The story that no one will understand unless you are Amy or Chris or Me or Wild Will...

In search of a name

(You’re So Amy I bet you Think This Story Is About You!)

Amelia McQuinn, had a problem. She was most loved resident of Rockhampton, Queensland Australia, most people knew she wanted to be a Bollywood star. She was an Australian who was a part time bum dancer and lesbian firefighter, except she wasn’t a lesbian or a bum dancer, but a university student. Actually the problem had nothing to do with career, race or schooling. People often mistook her for being Indian, which she took as a gracious compliment. The real problem was she didn’t have a stage name. She could sing the most beautiful songs. So good in fact babies never cried, glasses never broke, dogs stopped howling and the elderly stopped running in fear. These were many of the compliments and praise she has received, now and in the future.
Just like Maria took down the duo Jack and Jill. Amelia called the problem solvers network. She dials 1-800-I-NEED-HELP-RIGHT-NOW
The operator comes on.
“Welcome to problem solvers network. How can we help you?”
“If you want to solve a garbage problem, for example a missing wheelie bin press3379237923, if you have a miscellaneous problem, such as missing limbs or murderous flatmates press 50093270, if you have a fat problem, for example you become stuck in doorways or are made fun of because of your weight press 5000 nine times, if you have a love problem press one.”
Now obviously Amelia had a miscellaneous problem, but she couldn’t remember the numbers to dial so she pressed one.
Across, the Pacific Ocean all the way to Montreal, a pink light flashes, signifying a love problem or at least that was what it was thought to be.
“Ugh…another freaking love problem, that makes it the 500th this week,” said Carma.
“Shut up you fat lard,” said Wild Will. “Or I will eat you.”
“You better be nice to me or I will call the network and dial 5000 nine times.”
Carma was middle sized weight, and was deep conscious about it. It was only this week it offended her because it was her period. Normally she would be flattered by Wild Wills comment. “I know,” said John. “They should fix the network, so the choices are comprehensible. That way they wouldn’t keep pressing one.”
“Change the menu?” said Wild Will. “Do you know how much that would cost? We’re problems solvers, not problem makers.”
“I see,” said John. “Are you going to answer it?”
“No he isn’t because he is a big stupid, beastly, psycho, rabid, talking, rottweiler,” said Joe.
“Shut up Joe. I am not rabid. I am just a psycho,” said Wild Will. “And you are just a girly koala with no balls.”
Joe stops eating his eucalyptus and looks between his legs.
“What the…” said Joe.
“Hey Joe, is that a pouch?” said Wild Will.
John rolls his eyes…
“Ahh… the evil scientist put me in a shelias body.”
He looks inside his pouch.
“Oh wait its just fanny pack,” said Joe. “And there they are, my twig and berries.”
“Eww!” said Carma. “Umm…. John, Wild Will are you going to answer the problem?”
“Make Red or Joe do it,” said Wild Will, “or I will eat you.”
“Umm… Wild Will Red was eaten by a giraffe yesterday,” said John.
“Oh yeah,” said Wild Will.
Meanwhile, Amelia has been waiting on the phone patiently, considering she has been waiting for 30 minutes or more.
“Wow this is just like calling the government or Australian Idol.”
On the phone: the operator says, “We are busy, hang up now. No seriously hang up, you love sick fiend!”
Ten minutes have passed, John answers the phone, after a lengthy game of Scategories.
“Umm… sorry to keep you waiting,” said John.
“No worries,” said Amelia. “I realize you have many problems to solve.”
“Right,” said John sounding confused. “Well, do you really have a love problem?”
“Well no,” said Amelia.
“Well then, hang up and try again.”
A falsetto male voice comes on, “I’m in love with my can of Coke a Cola does that count?”
“It sounds like a garbage problem,” said Joe. “In fact all problem cases we get are garbage.”
“Ah No Balls, you’ve done it again,” said Wild Will.
“STOP CALLING ME NO BALLS!”
“Look Joe, I think what Wild Will means is you’re a pansy, a girly man. It has nothing to do physically with your testicles,” said John.
“Umm… right,” said Joe.
“Is anyone going to answer her problem?” said Carma.
“What is her problem?” asked Joe.
“You are,” said John.
“What was that?” said Amelia.
“Nothing,” said John. “I guess being in love with a soft drink is a problem so we’ll be right over,” said John.
“Wow, really problem solvers,” said Amelia. “Want me to save some bed sheets for your monkeys?”
“There not our monkeys anymore, they went on strike” said John.
“Oh, said Amelia.
“By the way who are we speaking with?” asked John.
“Amelia McQuinn.”
“Rightio, John and Wild Will, will be on their way. While I sit, sleep and eat,” said Joe. “Good night.”
“What! you will come with us, or I will eat you,” said Wild Will. “Do you think I pay you to do nothing?”
“You might as well,” said Joe.
“John snap up Joe and let’s go,” said Wild Will.
“Ha, Joe and go rhyme,” said Carma.

"Obviously," said John. "Perhaps Wild Will would not of said it if it didn't"

Wild Will looks John. Such a strange bloke he thought, not to mention an iuking fidiot.
“No,” said Joe. “Maybe you should…”
“Shut up,” said Wild Will. “Or …”
“I’ll eat you,” said Joe, finishing Wild Will’s sentence.
“How about you get your own catchphrase?” said Wild Will.
“How about you die,” said Joe.
Wild Will glares at Joe, he is lucky I am a vegetarian.
“Put me down John I am not coming,” said Joe.
“Yes you are,” said John.
“No I’m not. Put me back.”
“No, shut up.”
“Put me back or I’ll bite you.”
“Oh how original. I say I’ll eat you and you change it to I’ll bite you. That’s copyright infringement,” said Wild Will.
“Is not,” said Joe.
“You know you could’ve put us out of our misery if you actually ate him and you weren’t a vegetarian,” said John.
The quarrelsome trio made their way towards the stairs.
“You gave away my secret,” Wild Will’s voice echoes. “Now I will eat you.”
“Oh please,” said John.

A few seconds later...
“Ahhhh, he bit me,” said John.
“Told you I would,” said Joe.
After much unneeded arguing, John, Joe and Wild Will make their way to the silver platform. Wild Will straps on his jet powered pack. While John and Joe each take a jet powered rocket. They zoom through the air, clouds and buildings wiz by.
They arrive at a beautiful Italian, French, Russian house. The initials A.E.S.M were stamped on the large wooden door.
A.E.S.M what does that mean? Thought John.
They knock on the door. Unfortunately, Wild Will is always under the impression that rudeness was necessary for a love problem.
“Oh wow, they came already?” said a serene voice.
Umm… were being rude thought Wild Will. Perhaps she is not busy and is prepared for our visit. It’s about time our solvees did that.
Ahha not everyone is insane, she must be Australian because she took it as politeness thought Joe.
What does the A.E.S.M mean? Thought John.
“G’day,” said Amelia, a green eyed brunette with long wavy hair.
“Hallo you’re so pretty,” said Wild Will, intending to be mean and hurt Amelia’s feelings.
“Oh well thank you. You look quite handsome yourself,” she replied.
“What?” said Wild Will.
“Oh wow, the cola really has affected you,” said Joe.
“Maybe it’s the A.E.S.M.,” said John.
Joe and Wild Will look at John inquisitively.
Iucking Fidiot, thought Wild Will.
“Ah do come in,” said Amelia. “You just came during my daily meeting with my fellow A.E.S.M members.
“Ah excellent,” said Wild Will. “We were being rude after all.”
“Oh no, not at all,” said Amelia.
“Geeze Wild Will you didn’t insult her,” said Joe.
“Shut up Joe or I will eat you,” said Wild Will.
A moment of silence. Amelia smiles. Four pairs of eyes stare at six pairs or eyes. The four pairs being the A.E.S.M members.
John stares blankly. Amelia sings and dances. Joe hums along. Wild Will stares angrily.
“What is the A.E.S.M?” asked John.
“I thought you would never ask,” said Amelia. “It is the Alien Ethnic Society and Melissa.”
“Umm… OK said John.
“Hey who are these morons?” said Wild Will.
The two members of the A.E.S.M., one a cynical Russian Canadian, the other and eccentric Eurasian Australian stare blankly at Wild Will. How odd thought the Russian Canadian girl.
“Oh forgive me for being rude,” said Amelia. “That there is Melissa, we call her Gandhi and that is Chris, we call him Tori Pocoshrew.”
“How’s it going eh?” said Melissa.
“Nooninooninooninoo,” said Chris.
“There is another member, Antonia but she is not here,” said Amelia.
“Oh what, did Wild Will eat her?” said John sarcastically.
“No she is a distance member,” said Melissa.
“Hmm… right,” said John. “So you’re problem is you’re in love with Coke a Cola?”
“No that’s Chris’s problem,” said Melissa.
“That’s tops,” said Chris. He gives a thumbs up and makes a weird facial expression. Melissa attempts to copy him.
“Right, but Amelia called us,” said John. “What’s her problem?”
“Hell if I know,” said Melissa.
“Oh stop wasting our time or I will eat you,” said Wild Will.
“That’s tops,” said Chris.
“It is, is it,” said Joe.
“Yes, yes it is,” said Melissa.
“Shush you guys,” said Amelia. “OK here is the problem. I’m in love with India and I want to be a Bollywood star.”
“I don’t see a problem with that,” said John.
“I do,” said Wild Will. “She wasted our time. I think I will eat her.”
“Actually it is a problem,” said Melissa. “She changed her name from Amy McQuire to Amelia McQuinn, in hopes she would sound Indian, when really she sounds British.”
“Ah a pommy,” said Joe. "That is a problem."
“So, what’s the problem?” said John.
“She needs an Indian name so she can be a Bollywood star,” said Melissa.
“Don’t forget Raul,” said Chris. “Note to Wild Will, nooninooninooninoo. P.S Wild Will nooninooninooninoo!”
“Raul?” said John.
“Her favourite name,” said Melissa.
“Oh, I just love the name Raul,” said Amelia, formerly known as Amy. “If I have kids I will name them all Raul.”
“Well we can all agree that Raul is a very good name,” said John. “There is no problem with that.”
“What is Bollywood?” said Wild Will. “Tell me or I will eat you.”
“Its Indian film, it’s beautiful. They sing at odd moments and have corny dialogue,” said Amelia.
“Amelia, Raul is a terrible name,” said Wild Will. “Mwhahahahahaha!”
“What do you reckon Wild Will can you help Amy… I mean Antonia, no wait Amelia?” said Chris. “You’re my hero Wild Will, you convinced me it was good.”
“What’s good?” said John.
Awkward silence. The six pairs of eyes stare at the other six pairs of eyes, the six pairs being John, Wild Will and Joe.
Joe wispers something into Wild Wills ear. Wild Will laughs appreciatively or perhaps evily. Joe scampers off. “I’ll be right back.”
The door slams behind him. Car tires screech in the background. It is now left to four on six. A few minutes later. Wild Will and John vs. the A.E.S.M.
“I have an Indian name for you,” said Wild Will, after much thought. "John and I came up with it."
“It isAishwarya Patil Padama India, Aishwarya after the famous star, Patil and Padama after Harry Potter characters and India because you love it, which is beautiful,” said John.
“Wow, you’re a genius,” said Amelia… I mean Aishwarya Patil Padama India.
“Yes and for short you can be called Appi because it sounds similar to Amy,” said John.
“Wow, brilliant,” said Appi. “I’ll put in a name change this afternoon.”
The door burst open. Joe scampers in; followed by the most beautiful, gorgeous Indian boy you have ever seen.
“I found Raul,” exclaimed Joe.

"What took you so long, No Balls?" said Wild Will.

Joe starts to look between his legs, when John reminded him of their earlier conversation.
“You found Raul?” said Melissa.
“I am going to eat you Raul,” said Wild Will.
“Noooo,” said Appi. “Don’t eat Raul. I love Raul.”
“That’s not Raul. That’s Yogesh a.k.a. Yogi,” said Melissa.
“Ha ha Amy has a crush on Yogi,” said Chris.
“Appi,” said Melissa. “She changed it again.”
Amy, I mean Appi blushes. “Melissa, you’re not supposed to tell him till ‘the weekend,’” said Appi.
“Oh yes, the weekend,” said Melissa. “Sorry Amy I mean Appi. Can I still call you Amy?”
“Quit changing your name Amy,” said Chris, “or Wild Will will eat you.”
Wild Will furrows his eyebrows. No one can tell me who I can and cannot threaten to eat he thought.
“What was that,” said Wild Will he glares at Chris menacingly. “You stole my famous line, how dare you steal my line. Maybe I’ll eat you”
“Umm…” Chris gulps. “Nooninooninooninoo!”
“Chris doesn’t really look like a vegetable does he?” said John.
It goes silent again. Once again the staring ensues, mostly at John and Chris, mostly John.
“Gosh darn it. If you gave me a second to explain, it’s not Yogi, but merely a clone of him named Raul,” said Joe.
“Ah I see,” said John.

"I told Wild Will my idea. He liked it," said Joe.

"Yeah well, Wild Will like the name I came up with," said John.
“Oh Raul,” said Appi.
“Oh, Aishwarya Patil Padama India,” said Raul.
“Lets get married,” said Appi.
“OK,” said Raul.
They walk off together hand in hand, singing Bollywood tunes happily. The door closes behind them. Alanis Morissette waits out side in the front lawn to marry them.

“Keep him away from grape juice and excessive sunlight,” yelled Joe, “or he’ll melt.”

"What! I thought I was invited to her wedding!" said Melissa.

"Well you're not so there," said Wild Will. "Cry baby! I eat cry babies."

"Yeah, " said John. "Haven't you heard of spur of the moment."

"You know she didn't go on about the name changing business until she drank the lemonade Chris gave her," said Melissa.

"And your point?" said Joe.

Chris looks around inconspicuously He looks at Melissa. "Shut up!"

Awkward silence. Wild Will starts to sniff his butt. Joe sighs, hungry and travel worn. John looks around nervously.

"I think we solved the problem,” said John. “Good work Joe.”
“Good work John,” said Joe. “You no longer need to be distressed we put our problem solving skills to the test, Oh yeah Wild Will you suck.”
“You suck, let’s go,” said Wild Will. “Oh yeah, I left a present for you, Chris and Melissa, a memento for the A.E.S.M. mwhahahahahaha!”
“By present, do you mean dog doo?” said Chris.
“I’ll let you figure that one out on your own,” said Wild Will. “By the way, Joe sucks.”
John sighs. “Let’s just go already.
Melissa looks at them apprehensively, then looks at Chris. Don’t leave me alone with him she thought.
The eccentric trio exit the house, glad to be rid of this troublesome problem. Melissa runs to the door. They blast off the sidewalk with there jet fuelled rockets.
“Wait you didn’t solve Chris’s caffeine addiction or his love for Coke a Cola,” she cries.
She sits back down. Melissa and Chris sit in silence. Two pairs of eyes on two, a ball rolls down the stairs.
“Curse you Chris,” said a voice.
“What the hell was that?” said Melissa. “That sounded an awful lot like Antonia.”
“Who do you think it would be?” said Chris. “Amy convinced me it was good.”
“You killed Antonia?” said Melissa.
“No of course not, I have great love for you, it comes from my appendix” said Chris. He stands up there’s a knife behind his back.
Melissa runs to the phone. This calls for a problem solver.

© Melissa Canadian 2006