The story that no one will understand unless you are Amy or Chris or Me or Wild Will... Part 2

A Flat To Myself (You're So Chris I bet you think this story is about you!)

Chris was acting very strange today, very strange indeed. It had not been three minutes since the quarrelsome trio a.k.a Wild Will, John and Joe had left, that Chris decided to make way for a flat to himself. He loved this wonderful Italian, Russian, French house, so much in fact he wanted it to himself.
The reason for his insanity: not enough Coca Cola and too much masturbation.
Melissa runs to the phone and just like Amy decided. I mean Amelia decided. Wait! Aishwarya Patil Padama India decided a quick solving answer was needed. Melissa called the problem solvers network.
She dials 1-800-I-NEED-HELP-RIGHT-NOW
The operator comes on.
“Welcome to problem solvers network. How can we help you?”
“If you want to solve a garbage problem, for example to much garbage lying around your bathroom press 879324, if you have a miscellaneous problem, such as an eccentric flatmates who is about to kill you press 977322528, if you have a fat problem, press 6000 seven times, because you are a fat loser, if you have a love problem press one.”
Now normally Melissa would be smart enough to bring a note pad to copy down the insanely long code for the miscellaneous problem, seeing as that’s what it was, but Chris was attempting to murder her. She didn’t want to waste time. So she pressed one.
Across town… a far way across the Pacific Ocean all the way to Montréal, a pink light flashes, signifying a love problem.
John, Joe and Wild Will had just returned from the latest solving case, only to find that another had begun.
“Ugh… another love problem,” said John. “Seriously the network is a problem, if they would just fix the menu.”
He stomps like a mad banshee, flailing his limbs, his massive 7”3 figure, makes the floor shake. It crumbles. He falls in.
“Ahhhhhhh,” he screams. He hits the ground floor.
Wild Will appears over the hole.
“John?” he asks. “Where are you?”
“I am visiting with Bob,” John gulps.
“Oh no Bob,” said Joe. “Don’t worry mate, we’ll get you out.”
Silence ensues, they fear the worst.
“Don’t worry it’s the room next to Bob,” said John.
“Don’t tell him the glass is breakable,” said Joe.
“I wasn’t planning on it,” said John.
The reason for the sudden fear, Bob was a man eating Alien made of celery. He was in a sound proof room, but he read lips.
“Don’t move, don’t talk, hide under a desk or he will eat you,” said Wild Will. “And in the event that he does eat you. I will eat him.”
“Wild Will you are a vegetarian,” said John.
“Grrr…what did I tell you about telling my secret?” said Wild Will. “I will eat him because he is made of vegetables. Perhaps I should eat you because you’re a jerk with no balls.”
“Hey!” said John. “Since when am I No Balls?”
“Urgh… John shut up!” said Joe. “Better you then me.”
Carma stands behind the phone and taps her fingers impatiently.
“Wow Carma, you’re really patient, doctors must love you,” said Joe.
“Ah what a clever joke No Balls,” said Wild Will.
Joe furrows his eyebrows. At least I have a joke.
“Well?” said Carma. “Are you going to answer it or not?”
Meanwhile Melissa has been waiting on the phone for the last 20 minutes not that she was worried. It gave her time to think of a love problem. Chris was busy poisoning lemonade and being haunted by Antonia.
“Hello,” said Wild Will. “He answers the phone after a lengthy game of staring. Joe sits in the corner crying.
“What? It’s not my fault,” said Wild Will. “Just because a kangaroo and a koala happen to be marsupials doesn’t mean they can be together.”
“Wild Will, you’re on the line,” said Carma.
“Ummm… is anyone there?” said Melissa.
“Ah yes,” said Wild Will “What is your problem?”
“You are?” said Joe.
Wild Will looks at Joe.
“Iucking Fidiot. I wasn’t talking to you,” said Wild Will.
“Yeah, well for your information kangaroos and koalas can be together, their offspring is called koalaroos. So piss on you,” said Joe.
“You made that up,” said Wild Will.
“Ahhhhhhahahahahaha…” a girl screams.
“Hello, are you there?” said Wild Will.
“I almost wasn’t” said Melissa.
“What’s your problem? If in fact it is a love problem,” said Wild Will.
“Ten bucks says it’s not a love problem,” Johns voice echoes from below.
“You’re on mate,” said Joe.
“Didn’t I tell you not to talk?” said Wild Will. “I am going to eat you.”
“Which currency is it?” asked Joe.
“Does it matter?” asked Wild Will.
“Uh Canadian…no wait Russian…no wait Canadian…actually Australian, no Canadian,” said John.
“Australian,” said Joe.
Wild Will rolls his eyes. He leaves Joe and John to fight over currency. They’re nothing but a bunch of iucking fidiots, he thought.
“Well I am not sorry for keeping you waiting,” Wild Will laughs evilly.
“Yes thank you for not wasting my time,” said Melissa sarcastically.
“Are you being sarcastic?” said Wild Will. “Maybe I will eat you, then hang up.”
“No I wasn’t. I actually have a problem and it involves love,” said Melissa.
“Well in that case, tell me,” said Wild Will. “I am angry and hungry… perhaps I will eat you.”
Silence….
“Hello?” said Wild Will. “Is anyone there?”
“Ah sorry, my flatmate was chasing me with a knife,” said Melissa.
“That’s a problem,” said Wild Will, “a miscellaneous problem.”
“Well yes but, that’s not the main problem, its one of many,” said Melissa.
“Alright,” said Wild Will. “Tell me what it is already or I will eat you.”
“Well,” said Melissa. “I have a crush on this guy at university. He is in the same class as me. My friends and I call him Multimedia Guy. Anyways, my flatmate Chris, who is in love with Coca Cola is jealous and is attempting to kill me.”
“Oh wow that is a problem,” said Wild Will. “A stupid one, mwhahahahahaha! We will be on our way, Miss…”
“Melissa Canadian,” said Melissa, “a.k.a Gandhi.”
“OK Gandhi, just hide behind something impenetrable to sharp objects like a brick wall or really hard wood,” said Wild Will. “I have to get my team ready.”
Wild Will hangs up the phone.
“Mwhahahahahaha! John you owe Joe 10 bucks,” said Wild Will.
“No I don’t,” said John.
“John you said $10 says its not a love problem,” said Joe, “which it turned out to be, so you owe me $10 Australian or $7 Canadian.”
“Ah I don’t have the money,” said John, who had managed with great difficulty to climb back up to Wild Will’s office.
“Pay up you mug,” said Joe. He puts out his silver paw and initiates the pay me move.
“Ah but the bet is not over Joe. They could be smart enough to make up a love problem in order for us to come, because the menu is f**ked up,” said John.
“Doubt it,” said Joe. “Loser!”
“Lets wait to see what the problem is, then take it from there,” said John.
“How about we go solve the problem or I will eat you iucking fidiots,” said Wild Will.
“You’re a jack ass Wild Will,” said Joe.
“You’re a master debater, that’s why you have no balls, ahahahahahahaahahah!” said Wild Will.
“John laughs with him. “Ahahahahahahaahahah, Wild Will you are priceless.”
“Since when do you suck up?” said Wild Will.
“Since its you who agrees its not a love problem.”
“I never said that you wanker,” said Wild Will.
“C’mon guys, lets have a sticky at the situation so I can go home and cool my heals,” said Joe. “John’s a wanker!”
The three anti amigos make their way to the silver platform, where they strap on their jet packs.
They arrive once again at the Italian, Russian, French House.
“What the hell? Didn’t we leave here a few hours ago?” said John.
“Ah ha, this is an Australian Queenslander house,” said Joe. “I know because I am from Queensland Australia. It just looks Italian, Russian and French because ethnic people live there.”
“Ah, that’s right the A.E.S.M.,” said John.
“The what?” said Wild Will.
“The Alien Ethnic Society and Melissa,” said John.
“Oh yeah,” said Wild Will. “Let’s just walk in and be rude. They don’t understand the concept of answering the door properly.”
Joe sighs. God he is a s dumb Rottweiler, psycho, dumb ugly dog and dumb, he thought. I wish Wild Wills owners had fixed him.
“Joe lets go,” said Wild Will. “John you break down the door.”
“Isn’t that illegal?” said John.
“Yes but it’s rude,” said Wild Will. “Don’t argue, just do it.”
“Fine, fine,” said John.
He charges like a Rhinoceros and bursts down the door. It slams to the ground. Chris stands there silently, holding a giant spoon in one hand and a knife in the other. He looks at John, then Joe, then Wild Will.
“Want lemonade?” he asks.
The staring game begins, two eyes on six. Six eyes on two, Chris versus Wild Will and company.
“Ummm… no thanks,” said John.
“Lemonade is for losers,” said Wild Will, “and look who is offering it to us. Coincidence?”
“What?’ Joe looks at Wild Will. “You know the last couple of days you’ve been less mean, like your psycho comments are forced.’
“Blame that one on the writer,” said Wild Will.
Melissa pops up behind the knife proof couch. Holding a note book and a pen.
“What, I’m not the writer,” she replied.
“Are you the one with the problem?” said Wild Will.
“No, but I am,” said Joe. “His name is Wild Will, who is dumb, stupid, dumb and also stupid rottweiler.”
“I AM GOING TO EAT YOU,” said Wild Will, “you herbivorous, eucalyptus eating little fuckwit, with no balls.”
“Wow that’s much better,” said Melissa.
“Go stuff yourself,” said Joe. “Hey Chris can I borrow your knife?”
“Melissa I am scared. Why is there a talking dog, koala and some giant guy here?” said Chris. “I wasn’t trying to hurt you Melissa. Amy convinced me it was good.”
“What are you babbling on about?” asked Wild Will.
“That’s tops!” said Chris. He gives a thumbs up and makes a distinct facial expression. “P.S. Wild Will.”
“No its not,” said Joe.
“Yes it is,” said Melissa.
“What is it tops, Chris?” said John. “Is it the A.E.S.M, The lemonade, your incredibly sharp knife?’
Everyone looks at John.
“Iucking Fidiot,” said Wild Will. “What exactly is your problem?”
“Chris,” said Melissa.
“What about Chris?” said Joe.
“Chris who,” said John.
“Chris Woo,” said Chris.
John looks at Chris inquisitively. Chris feels slightly awkward.
“Nooninooninooninoo!” said Chris.
“That rhymes,” said John.
“Obviously,” said Joe. “Wild Will, sucks.”
“You’re stupid John,” said Wild Will. “Joe sucks monkey balls.”
The house goes silent. The light flickers. Melissa looks around with fear.
“It’s nothing to worry about, its just the electricity,” said Melissa
“No its not,” said Wild Will. “It’s Appi and Raul announcing their return.”
“Really?” said Melissa. She walks towards the door.
“Mwhahahahahaha,” Wild Will laughs evilly. “Made you look.”
“Wow that was such a good joke, I almost laughed,” said Melissa, “Almost.”
“Are you being sarcastic again,” said Wild Will. “I eat sarcastic people.”
John rolls his eyes. No he doesn’t he a freaking vegetarian.
“Wild Will are you not a vegetable eater?’ said Chris. “I eat celery Wild Will, you convinced me it was good.”
“Yes I do,” said Wild Will. “Melissa is made of vegetables.”
“No I am not,’ said Melissa.
“Yes you are. I shall prove it,” said Wild Will.
“Owe,” said Melissa. “He bit me.”
“Ewww…guck human, ah yuck,” Wild Will spits, “gucky human.”
“OK biting my friend is just not cool,” said Chris. “You’re a sissy vegetarian, loser, who has been neutered.”
“Hahahahaha, sissy vegetarian. I like you mate,” said Joe.
“What? As opposed to chasing your friend around with a knife and poisoning their lemonade?” said Wild Will. “And you dare to call me names. You wankster.”
Wild Will advances towards Chris. “Chris Woo, I am going to eat you,” said Wild Will.
Meanwhile John is attending to Melissa’s wound, in which John notices Antonia silting at the top of the stairs.
“Antonia is that you?” said Melissa.
“Yeeeeeesss,” said Antonia.
“Are you dead?”
“Nooooooo,” she replied.
“Then what are you doing up there?” said Melissa.
“And talking so ghost like,” added John.
“Chris stole my passport,” She replied.
Chris walks robotically towards the stairs.
“Shut up!” he said. “That was Kin wai.”
“I am in need of medical attention and Antonia needs her passport,” said Melissa
“Ah rightio,” said Joe. Not at all paying attention to the situation, but contemplating on stealing the giant wooden spoon, I mean knife in Chris’s hand.
“Right,” said John. “I’ll call the dentist.”
“The dentist?” said Melissa. “I have deep flesh wounds from a dog who potentially has rabies. What is the dentist going to do?”
Antonia shakes her head disapprovingly.
“Sorry I meant doctor,” said John.
“Rabies?” said Wild Will. “I don’t have that. I am just a psycho.”
“No you’re neutered,” said Chris. “Nooninooninooninoo!”
“Ahahahahahahhahahahahahah!” laughed Joe.
“When?” said Wild Will.
“It was the dentist,” said Chris.
Wild Will looks down between his legs. Joe takes a peak as well.
“Oh my I can’t believe I never noticed before,” said Wild Will, “maybe because they are still there, you iucking fidiot.”
“Ah nuts… you destroyed my hopes Chris,” said Joe.
“You perv! Stop looking at my balls,” said Wild Will. “Or I will eat you, you perverted little shit.”
“What are you doing John,” said Wild Will.
“Calling an ambulance,” said John. “P.S. the amazing bum dancing animal patrol.”
“Oh no,” said Joe. “You wanker, why the heck did ya call them for.”
“We’re screwed,” said Wild Will. . “John, you’re lucky I am a vegetarian.”
“The police are sending them not me,” said John.
“I thought you said you called the ambulance?” said Joe.
“Don’t worry Joe, Wild Will, I have a back up plan,” said John.
They stand in silence… Chris stares at them…
“Hi Wild Wild,” said Chris “P.S. Wild Will.”
“P.S. Chris,” said Wild Will. “Wild Will, is watching you.”
“Oh really not if I can help it, ahhahaahahaahahah,” said Chris. He hides behind the couch. John looks on with disbelief. Like the couch is going to stop Wild Will, he thought.
“Quick, quick bring him Coca Cola,” said Antonia, sitting beside Melissa. Its odd to note that she was unaffected by the fact that there was talking animals in the house. All she really wanted was her passport.
“Will this help with his apparent madness?” said John.
“Sure, sure,” she replied.
The ambulance arrives, Wild Will and Joe hide behind the couch with Chris. Sadly Chris doesn’t get his Coca Cola.
“Hello Wild Will,” said Chris.
“Hello Chris,” said Wild Will evilly.
“Ahhh!” said Chris. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
The paramedics storm in. They carry Melissa out on a stretcher. Antonia follows.
“Melissa, where is Amy?
“With Raul,” Melissa replied.
Melissa is carted off to safety.
Moments later the amazing bum dancing animal patrol arrived. The patrol sirens can be heard. “Bom, bom, bom, bom, bubba, bubba, bom, bom, bom, bom, bubba, bubba, bom, bom, bom, bom.”
John stands in the empty house. Two officers appear at the door way. They walk over the trampled door. They start to dance.
“Is there at vicious, evil looking rottweiler around here?” asked one of the officers.
“No,” said John casually. “And he is not vicious or evil, he is just a psycho.”
“You’re darn right,” said Wild Will from behind the couch.
“He’s behind the couch,” said Joe.
“Shut up No Balls!” said Wild Will.
“What was that?” said the officer. “By the way have you seen a koala? His girlfriend Kate is looking for him.”
“Isn’t Kate a kangaroo?” asked John.
“No she’s a wallaby.”
“He’s behind the couch,” said Wild Will.
“Get stuffed,” said Joe.
John stares around inconspicuously. The two officers stand there with their nets and ropes ready.
“That’s at talking couch,” said John. Hoping they will fall for his ploy.
“Really,” said the other officer, “It sounds like the infamous Wild Will and his reluctant side kick Adventure Joe.”
“Umm he goes by Joe now,” said John.
“Really,” said the second officer. “Perhaps you won’t mind if we take a gander behind that couch.”
“You look like Wild Wills left hand, right hand man, John Dunny” said the first officer.
“Actually, it’s just some kid with a knife imitating them,” said John. “And my last name isn’t Dunny, its Wilson.”
“Don’t waste our time,” said the first officer. “We’ve been after this problem maker for months.”
“He’s a problem solver,” said John.
John begins to feel nervous… it appears that Wild Will, will be caught and adventure Joe, sent packing. When all of a sudden, a chainsaw can be heard in the background. It was no other Wild Will’s elusive friend Frostbite the polar bear. He appears at the door holding a chainsaw.
“I’ve come to destroy this Italian, Russian, French House.”
“It’s a Queenslander,” said Joe
“I don’t care,” said Frostbite. “Ahahahahaaha!”
Frostbites real intentions were to distract the amazing bum dancing animal patrol so Wild Will and maybe Joe, mostly Wild Will could escape. And just as Frostbite had hoped the amazing bum dancing animal patrol were on their way after him as he was also on their most wanted list.
After a few moments and it they were certain that it was safe, Joe and Wild Will appears from behind the couch.
“Quick lets get out of here,” said John.
“Good idea,” said Wild Will. “It’s lucky Frostbite showed up.”
“Yes, yes it is,” said Joe.
“How did he know to come?” asked Wild Will.
“I called him,” said John.
“Ah John you are useful after all,” said Wild Will. “Mwhahahahahaha!”
The quarrelsome trio get ready to leave.
“Wild Will, I don’t think we solved Melissa’s problem,” said John.
“Yes we did,” said Wild Will. “She was being hunted by her murderous flatmate so I bit her, that way the paramedics would come.”
“Wouldn’t it have been easier if you just told her to dial 000,” said Joe.
“Shut up Joe” said Wild Will, “you kangaroo loving fiend.”
“Let’s go John,” said Wild Will, “before I eat you.”
John rolls his eyes. He follows Wild Will out the door. Joe scampers behind them. John was happy he made $10 and he was useful, for now aways.
The house grows silent. Chris pops up from behind the couch.
“Ahhhh a flat to myself,” said Chris. “Now I can do whatever I want. Like drink coke and masterbate and walk around naked.”
Chris joy was about to end. A chainsaw can be heard again as well as manically laughing.
“Ahahahahahahaahahah!” It was Frostbite.
Chris gulps. Figures thought Chris. If only learnt how to share, this never would have happened.
Frostbite lumbers in the house, chainsaw in tow.
“I’ve come to destroy your Queenslander house that looks very Italian, Russian and French, maybe even Canadian or Chinese.”
Chris stares at the giant bear.
“You want lemonade?” said Chris, still holding a giant wooden spoon and a knife.
“Nope,” said Frostbite.
He saws down the railing, followed by the stairs.
Chris stands while the house is torn to bits.
Sometime later… Chris’s house was torn and demolished to bits.
Did he too need a problem solver? Was he satisfied that he still had the house to himself, even thought it wasn’t there anymore? Yes he was happy. No he didn’t need a problem solver.
Chris and Frostbite sit on the rubble of what once was the Italian, Russian, French house that was actually a Queenslander. They each have a Coca Cola. Chris’s madness slips away.
“I never knew you were in those commercials,” said Chris.
“Ah yes I was,” said Frostbite. “But, it was those damn Canadians and their seal hunt that ended it.” He shakes his fist in anger.
“Really are you sure you didn’t eat any seals?” said Chris.
“Nooo,” said Frostbite. “It was the Canucks I tell you.”
“What are Canucks?” Chris asked.
“Canadians,” said Frostbite.
Awkward silence…
“Don’t you find the climate in Australia a bit hard to bear?” said Chris. “I mean from what you’re used to?”
“Duh,” said Frostbite. “I am from the Calgary Zoo.”
“You’re from Canada? Alanis Morissette is my idol,” said Chris.
“Meh, she’s alright,” Frostbite. “I’m Barenaked Ladies fan myself.”
“Ever meet Santa Claus?” said Chris, changing the subject.
“No,” said Frostbite. “Have you ever seen the Six White Boomers?”
“You killed Santa didn’t you?” said Chris. It’s apparent he is not really listening to him.
“Nooo!” said Frostbite. “Why would I do that? He gives presents.”
“Wild Will gives presents,” said Chris.”
“Yes but not the same as Santa,” said Frostbite.
“Look, there is one of Wild Will’s presents over there!” said Chris.
“No, that’s me,” said Frostbite.
Awkward silence:
“Want to demolish and destroy houses with me?” asked Frostbite.
“OK sure,” said Chris.
And off they went to destroy homes and bungalows, never to be seen again, only the distance sound of a chainsaw was heard. Wild Wills nemesis has emerged.

© Melissa Canadian 2006 all rights reserved.