The end of stories forever!

Sorry this has taken so long....This will be the last story ever written about Wild Will well in these particular circumstances.

A Multimedia of Problems Part 3: You’re so Kate…this story IS about you!

The smell of chocolately beavery goodness whiffed through the small kitchen.
“Mmmmm…smells nice,” said Kate.
“It sure does,” said Joan.Today there was a problem and it wasn’t because of the beaver brownies. Kate was upset because of her lack of appearances and involvement in previous stories. Also, she couldn’t figure out why she was wearing a pink tutu, it was most likely because of dastardly story written by the author.
This calls for a problem solver.
She dials 1-888 I-HAVE-A-PROBLEM
The operator comes on.
“Welcome to problem solvers network Australia. What can we do for you?”
“If you have any kind of problem just press two because that’s what everyone does. If you have a loathe problem press two. If you’re an idiot press two. Seriously just PRESS TWO.”
Kate wasn’t one to argue with the operator. So she pressed two.
All the way across the country an orange light flashes signifying a possible loathe problem.”
“Hello this is Fergus. How can I help you? Bare in mind I am understaffed due to current difficulties,” said a big brown dog.
“Hello I are Kate,” said Kate.
“Ummm…Melissa the Writer are hasn’t put me in any stories. I are made it in the last one by default. I are mad because of this.”
“Is this a loathe problem?”
“Well of course it is. Do you think I are like being left out. I ARE LOATHE THAT!”
“Hmmm…I see,” said Fergus. “And you what do you want me to do about that?”
“Solve my problem you dickhead!” said Kate.
Fergus sighs a heavy dog sigh full of contempt.
“Why don’t you just talk to the writer? I’m sure you can figure it out.”
“So is you on your way then?” Kate asked.
“No!” said Fergus. “If you need hands on solving I’ll transfer you to miscellaneous problems.”
The operator comes on, “Now transferring please hold.”
All the way across the Atlantic Ocean, all the way to Greenland a purple light flashes. A polar bear not Frostbite sits in a chair knitting some mittens for Adventure Joe. He is surprised by the sudden flashing lights.
“No again,” he cries. “That’s the second one this year.”
He picks up the phone apprehensively.
“Allo allo,” he said. He had an Italian accent. “I’m Gregorio Stupendo
“Ooooh you is Italian?” asked Kate. “Oh yeah I’m Kate!”
“Uh yeah how did you know?” said Gregorio.
“Well you are have an Italian accent,” said Kate.
“Ah yes…for sure so how can I assist you today?”
“My friend won’t write me in any of her stories. I only made the last one by default.”
“Ummm…I see,” said Gregorio. He feels nervous. This is a big problem he thought.
“Well can you are solve my problem or not?” Kate asked.
“I…never solved a problem before,” said Gregorio. “Well….you could just talk to your friend. She probably just forgot to add you.”
“Listen…I want you to solve my problem. Are that to much to ask?”
“Hmmm…well I could transfer you over to someone who will try to help you.”
“Bloody Hell,” said Kate.
“Please hold,” said Gregorio.
The operator comes on again.
“Now transferring please be patient. Thank you.”
Not far away a white light flashes signifying a transfer between problem solving networks. Wild Will answers the phone.
“Hello,” said Wild Will. “What do you want?”
“I am Kate and I are want someone to solve my problem.”
Wild Will growls, “and just what is this problem?”
“My friend wont write me in her stories and the…”
“Yeah, let me guess you made the last one by default and you’re so mad about this?” said Wild Will.
“YES! How are did you know?” said Kate.
“You’re use of grammar sounds familiar,” said Wild Will. “Is this Chris? Pray tell if it is…”
“I told you my name are Kate. I are Chris’s friend,” said Kate.
“I AM GOING TO EAT YOU!” said Wild Will.
“Oooh where?” said Kate.
“No no eat you not,” said Wild Will. “Never mind!”
“So can you are solve my problem?”
“There isn’t one. Think about it jack ass. If you’re not being written about right now, how else would you be talking to me?” said Wild Will.
“Hmmm…I see,” said Kate. “Oooh can I are talk to the koala?”
“What the blazing hells bells for?” Wild Will asked.
“Because maybe he will are solve problem.”
Wild Will stops and thinks. This could really annoy him. He laughs evilly.
“Oh Joe…Joe?”
“Joes sleeping,” said John.
“Well wake him up!” said Wild Will, “or I will eat you!”
“Yeah whatever!” said John. “Do you need help with a problem or something?”
“Well Kate on the phone is upset because her friend hasn’t written about her.”
“So tell her to talk to her friend,” John stops. “Let me guess she doesn’t get.”
John yanks the phone from Wild Will’s massively evil rottweiler paws.
“We’re on our way!” he said.
“What? John?” said Wild Will. “I am going to eat you!”
“We’re going to get her friend to talk to her,” John explained.
“Yay!” said Kate. “Wait are this the koala?”
“No its John.”
“But I are wanted to talk to the koala,” Kate whined.
John sighs, “we’ll bring the koala.”
“Why does she want to talk to Joe?” Wild Will asked.
“Because he speaks Australian,” said John. “Come on we better go.”
“We might need extra help,” said Wild Will. “I’ll make Ruthless Roy come.” He grinned a despicably evil grin.
“Yay!” said Kate. “She hangs up the phone. “This are will show Mel-issa.”
Joan sees Kate in the living room.
“Kate,” said Joan. “Were you using my phone?”
“Yeah why?” Kate looks at Joan suspiciously.
“Oh its not long distance is it? Or perhaps a call to a certain someone who will bring destruction and meaness towards me and/or Justin?”
“No,” said Kate. “Hey do you reckon I should name this shoe?”
“Oh that’s a great idea,” said Joan, ignoring Kate’s inquiry into the shoe. “The brownies are done!”
“Yay that are awesome!” said Kate.
“I know lets give some to Mel,” said Joan.
“Melinda?” said Kate.
“No silly, Melissa,” said Joan.
“You are know Mel-issa doesn’t like being called that don’t you?”
“I do, but I keep forgetting,” said Joan.
“We are shouldn’t give brownies to Mel-issa!” said Kate.
“Why?” said Joan.
“Because number 1. I are left out of her stories, 2. she are writes mean things about you and 3. she likes rottweilers.”
“Oh?” said Joan. “Oh wells to Melissa’s house I go. I’m giving her brownies.”
Kate frowns. “Oh no look a rottweiler,” she shouts.
“Kate!” said Joan. “You know I am scared of them!”
“No it are a rottweiler.”
“Ahhhhh,” said Joan, remembering all the previous encounters with this particular rottweiler.
“Ooooh there are two of them,” said Kate. “What are that one named?” She points to a slightly bigger eviler looking rottweiler.
“Why I’m Ruthless Roy,” the biggest rottweiler replied.
Justin was trying a man-bra upstairs in his room when he hears the screams of terror downstairs. He is however, confused on Kate’s delight.
“Don’t worry. I’ll save you!” said Justin, running down the stairs, his tall frame shaking the entire flat.
“We are about to prove this story is about you,” said Wild Will. “Joe: Translation please! Oh yeah Ruthless Roy, John get the cannon!”
“Oh look it are the koala,” said Kate.
“Kate we is going to prove this story are about you because of the following,” said Joe translating Wild Will. “Now he are sending John and Ruthless Roy to get a cannon.”
Justin stands there dumfounded. He looked like a big dumb stupid ape with man boobs.
Wheels can be heard John was pushing up the giant cannon. Ruthless Roy waits patiently with a box of matches.
“What’s going on here?” said Justin.
“You suck so we’re firing you…out of a cannon…into the sun,” said Wild Will.
“Yay!” said Kate.
“What?” said Justin.
“No don’t fire Justin out of a cannon,” said Joan.
“John?” said Wild Will. “Hurry up!”
John lumbers over. He picks Justin up with ease.
“Hey put me down!” Justin protests.
“No can do I’m under strict rules from the writer to fire you out of this here cannon,” said John.
“Everyone you need ear plugs,” said Joe. He hands them out eagerly.
“Nooo,” said Joan. She punches John in combative protest.
It was too late there was a deafening boom.
“Mwhahahahahaha!” said Wild Will.
Meanwhile at Melissa’s flat:
Melissa and Carol are sitting and watching TV, when all of a sudden they hear a loud boom.
“Melissa,” said Carol. “Did you just fart?”
“No,” said Melissa.
“Then what is that smell?” Carol asked. “And that loud boom?”
“Ummm…Justin?” said Melissa. “Being fired out of a cannon into the sun.”
There was a terrifying scream, Justin come crashing through Melissa’s the roof into the living room, leaving a ghastly hole in the ceiling.
“Oh the stench.” Carol passes out.
“Oh he’s dead,” said Antonia.
“Antonia?” said Melissa. “You’re not supposed to be here.”
“Nooo…” said Carol getting up off the floor. “He is not dead he is just smelly.”
“Alright,” said Melissa. “I think…I mean the writer thinks she has done enough Justin bashing therefore…”
“Melissa, stop bringing in random friends into your stories,” Carol said. “Unless there me!”
“Carol, I can explain” said Melissa. “Maybe Antonia came for a surprise visit from Hong Kong?”
Kate comes bursting through the back door. She looks unusually happy.
“Oh hello Kate,” said Melissa.
“Wait a minute,” said Kate she stops and looks at Melissa and Carol. “That rottweiler are lied to me!”
“Why?” said Melissa. “Oh shit is Wild Will here?”
“He are said this story was about me.”
“Oh good you noticed,” said Melissa. “I mean I am not the writer.”
“Yes you is,” said Kate.
“Is it because Carol is here?” said Melissa.
“Yes, the story are about her!” said Kate.
“No the story are making fun of her,” said Chris he walks out from the kitchen holding a can of soft drink. “Oh hi Melissa, I hope you don’t mind but I came over while Joan and Kate were making brownies and helped myself to some lemonade.”
“Chris, put the knife down,” said Melissa.
“Why Melissa? I have no idea what you’re talking about. You are convinced me it are was good,” said Chris. He looks at the knife and hides it behind his back.
“Making fun of me,” said Carol. “Melissa I thought we were friends.” She storms out of the flat, pushing past a very confused Antonia.
“So Melissa how come this are story are not about ME!” Kate bellows.
“Why it is about you!” Melissa replies. “Why do you insist that its not?”
“Well Justin never are made it to the sun and Antonia is here. Therefore this are story is not about be,” Kate replied. “It’s about Antonia.”
“No,” Melissa sighed. “It’s ABOUT you. I already wrote an Antonia story.”
“Ah ha!” said Kate. “So you admit you never wrote a story about me. Nor is you writing one now!”
“But Melissa is writing a story about you right now,” said Chris. He points at Melissa who at this very moment is writing ferociously.
“What I’m not the WRITER!” said Melissa. She throws her notebook across the room. It flies by Kate’s hand knocking the shoe from her grasp.
“Mel-issa!” said Kate. “You hurt George.”
“Who is George?” said Chris. He picks up the note book and inspects it thoroughly.
“See this story are about you,” said Chris. He points to a paragraph that says.
“This story is about Kate. In which she is written about and is the central character. The end by Melissa.”
“Oooh,” said Kate. “This are proves nothing. Oh and the shoe are named George.”
Antonia stands at the door way still confounded on why she had appeared. Then as quickly as this thought appeared in her mind she disappears in a puff of smoke.
“Mel-issa!” said Kate. “What’s with characters spontaneously combusting?”
“You mean Antonia?” said Melissa. “She didn’t combust she disappeared in a puff of smoke.”
“I are see,” Kate replied. “So why are this story not about me?”
“It is,” said Melissa. “See I’ll prove it too you.”
Just as Melissa mentioned this, the previously afore mentioned pathetic lump known as Justin was almost attacked by red fire ants.
“Uh I are see,” said Kate. “Why is the fire ants crawling away in a such a hurry?”
“It’s probably the smell. Nothing a little deodorant would cure,” said Melissa. “I’ll just go and get some from upstairs. I know I’m to mean… and Joan may possibly be reading this and I’m not THE WRITER!” She runs up the stairs.
“Yes you is,” said Kate.
“Melissa this has to stop,” said Chris. “First Antonia disappears and we get it you do not like Justin or beavers. JUST STOP IT!” He looks at Melissa angrily.
There was a knock at the front door. Chris answers it holding a knife in his right hand. Five angry ethnic type people stand at the door way. A Japanese-Canadian boy, an Italian-Korean boy, a blonde American cheerleader type, a typical Aussie bloke and a beautiful Norwegian or Swedish girl.
“WE WANT TO TALK TO THE WRITER!” said a girl with blue eyes and blonde hair. She had a very non-nerd like appearance.
“Fancy that,” said Chris. “Oi Mel-issa!”
“I’M NOT THE WRITER!” Melissa replied.
“Yes you is,” said Kate.
Melissa stomps into the living room. She knew who they were although she wouldn’t readily admit it to her friends because that would me she is the writer.
“The Extraterrestrial Interracial Club and Alyssa?” said Melissa.
“Yes the E.I.C.A,” said the girl. “I’m Alyssa.”
“Yes she’s the illustrator,” said a boy behind her with a foot ball shaped head. “I’m Lachlan.”
“I am,” said Alyssa agreeing to being the illustrator.
“Lachlan?” said Kate. She is confused. What’s he doing here she thought.
“Yes well beside me is Christina from Norway or Sweden, Naoki a Japanese Canadian and Antonio from Italy,” said Alyssa. “And I am from America.
“Get out of my story,” said Melissa. “I mean…Kate’s story. Also the story doesn’t have an illustrator. It’s all in my head…NOW BEAT IT!”
“Beat it, beat it, don’t you make me repeat it,” Lachlan sings.
“You like Michael Jackson?” Melissa asked.
“No I hate him,” said Lachlan. “It’s just when you said that I kind of got into the moment and that’s not tops!” He points his thumbs in downwards position.
“Amy does,” said Chris. “Hey you must be Amy’s polar opposite.”
“Oh yeah and Antonio must be Chris’s,” Kate points out.
“Nooooo that would be Christina,” said Melissa. “It’s as follows Lachlan: Amy, Chris: Christina, Antonia: Antonio, Kinwai: Naoki, her: me.
“Oh I see,” said Chris, “The A.E.S.M. is as the E.I.C.A. is to the A.E.S.M.”
“What about me?” said Kate. “Where are my alternate character?”
“Uh I don’t know,” said Melissa. “Doesn’t the E.I.C.A. have six members?”
“No we have five,” said Antonio. “Poor Karl.”
“Karl?” said Kate. “Who are he?”
“He was our sixth member, but he died in an air ballooning accident,” said Christina. She looks to the floor sadly.
“Kate, I got it,” said Chris. “This is a Melissa story because of the frequent change of tenses and it’s about you because of the bad grammar and Kate like language.”
“Yes and the inside jokes,” said Melissa. “Don’t forget those.”
“Yes and so badly illustrated,” Alyssa added.
“What! I thought I told you this story don’t have an illustrator. Nor a writer by my name,” said Melissa.
Carol wanders in, “hey did I just hear that were illustraded?”
“Illustrated Carol,” said Melissa. “No were not drawn up.”
“Yeah I’m not a cartoon,” said Carol. She looks at Alyssa angrily then shakes her fist in anger.
“Yes but I make all the strange things happen,” said Alyssa.
“No Melissa does,” said Chris.
“Yeah don’t take credit for her bizarre works,” said Kate, “even if this story isn’t about me.”
“But it is,” Melissa pleaded.
The group nine of people are suddenly interrupted by a shrill scream.
“Oh no Justin!” It was Joan, running to his rescue.
“Oh hi Joan,” said Chris.
“What’s with the knife?” Joan replied.
“I have no idea,” said Chris.
John, Wild Will, and Adventure Joe join in on the massive confusion.
John sees the E.I.C.A and then he remembers the problem solving gang already met their opposites in the previous story, Fergus: Wild Will, John: Carol, Joe: Captain Winky.
Ruthless Roy? He wasn’t in the previous story. Perhaps it was the moose he thinks.
Wild Will sees the madness engulfed in the room. He is disappointed in the appearance of Justin on Melissa’s living room floor.
“Ruthless Roy? John? How about a clean up?” Wild Will orders.
“Fine, fine!” said John. He lumbers over to Justin and begins to drag him of the room.
Adventure Joe sees the mess and thinks nothing unusual. This koala is used to this by now.
“Oi rottweiler!” said Kate. “You are lied to me. You are said this story are about me!”
“IT IS!” said Wild Will. “All the signs point towards it jackass!”
“Don’t call my friends names,” said Melissa. “Oh sorry about the last story by the way.”
“Its what I do Melissa,” said Wild Will. “Honestly have you forgotten? Have you noticed how mean I am?”
“Yeah really mean,” said Kate. “You are did threaten to eat me!”
“Melissa! I want to be in a different story,” said Wild Will. “Write me in a different one or I will eat you.”
“What is a Kate featured story not good enough for you?” Chris asked.
Melissa writes a paragraph or two in her notebook about Wild Will. She then shows it to Wild Will.
“A cameo appearance?” said Wild Will. “Whose idea was this?”
“Amy’s,” said Melissa.
“Wait, what are they doing here?” said Joe, finally coming out the silence.
“The E.I.C.A!” said Melissa. “Well, they…”
“GO AWAY I HATE YOU!” Kate bellows.
“Why?” said Christina. She is holding a spoon.
“Christina, put that spoon away,” said Alyssa.
Kate is not convinced the story is about her and if it is she’ll make sure it’s about her and that it goes her way or else.
“Because I don’t want you in my story!” said Kate.
“Why didn’t you say so,” said Melissa. “Wild Will?”
“What? Oh I see,” said Wild Will. He understands Melissa’s intentions. Wild Will growls evilly. The E.I.C.A. members gulp collectively in fear. Wild Will chase them into a ditch, which closely resembles a deep embankment. He trots back to Melissa’s house happily. This sort of activity made him unusually happy.
“Kate,” said Wild Will. “If this doesn’t prove this story is about you. I don’t know what will.”
“Banana’s” said Kate.
“What?” said Melissa.
“In the pants Chris’s pants,” Kate continued.
“Oh I see,” said Melissa.
Chris’s pants are suddenly filled with bananas.
“What! That’s not very nice,” said Chris.
“Chris, go make me a smoothy,” said Kate.
“Well, well, well, maybe I will,” said Chris. He walks off to the kitchen…the sound of a blender is heard.
“Ooooh Cool,” said Kate. “So anything I are want to happen you are will make happen?”
“Well if I was the writer,” said Melissa. “But that’s basically it.”
“Hmmm…” said Kate.
She is consumed by many possibilities and ideas. What fun, she thought and its all at the tip of a pen or fingers at the command of a keyboard.
“I want it to be THE END FOREVER!” Kate commands. “No more madness, no more Wild Will.”
Melissa had no choice in the matter. The universe of Melissa dissipates. It ceases to exist. Fortunately because Melissa wrote a cameo appearance for Wild Will in another story he is saved.
Melissa suddenly welcomes the real world.

© Melissa Canadian 2006

Only FERGUS!! knows about this story.

After a rather brief interlude...part 2 is now complete.... Warning it is a bit long.

A Multimedia of Problems Part 2: It’s all in the name

It’s a bright sunny morning Melissa was in class. Today a certain someone was on her mind, that someone was Multimedia Guy. You may have thought that he had been made up in order to bypass the cleverly confusing problem solving menu, but in fact he was real. And even though Chris, Melissa’s crazy friend mentioned the fact that it’s odd that no one sees Multimedia Guy but her. She still had a love problem. But it wasn’t Multimedia Guy it was someone completely different all together.
Melissa’s friend Chris was the one with a problem today. He wanted to help Melissa with Multimedia Guy, whom he secretly knew, but he had a class at the same time that he usually showed up. Actually his real problem was Melissa was too mean to Jill…I mean Joan. After he read a previous story about her in which Joan meets her demise on a hill, just like Jack and Jill and is almost eaten by a rottweiler named Ruthless Roy. He was over powered by a fit of rage, but then again he was going through caffeine withdrawals
He dials 1-888 I-HAVE-A-PROBLEM
The operator comes on.
“Welcome to problem solvers network Australia. What can we do for you?”
“If you have a cleaning problem, such lack of cleaners for your kitchen press 555, if you have a average every day problem, such as crap television shows interrupting the shows you want to watch, press 337, if you have a thin problem, such as people accusing you of having perplexia, press 5000.If you have a loathe problem press two.”
Chris forgot everything on the menu so he pressed two.
Wait! Did Chris just call a different problem solvers network?All the way across the country, all the way to Sydney an orange light flashes signifying a loathe problem.
“Hello this is Fergus, how can I help you?” said a big brown dog.
Chris hears the dogs name and bursts into giggles.
“What’s so funny?” Fergus asked.
“That name!” Chris replied.
“What name?”
“Your name!”
“Why is my name funny?”
“Because it is.”
“Soooo do you have a loathe problem?” said Fergus.
“I thought this number was for love problems?”
“That’s a different number sir,” Fergus replied. “May I ask who I am speaking with?”
“This are Chris,” said Chris.
“Fergus!” said a voice. “Captain Winky said I couldn’t be a waitress because I am fat.”
“God damn it Carol! How many times have I told you stop listening to Captain Winky and just be a waitress?” said Fergus. “I’m sorry that was terribly rude of me Chris.”
“He he FERGUS!” said Chris between fits of giggles.
“Just a minute,” said Fergus.
“Captain Winky! You’re a dickhead!” said Carol.
“You’re a dickhead eh!” said Captain Winky, who had just arrived back to the office illegally logging as he is a beaver. “And a big stinky poo poo face in the pants!”
“Nooo,” said Carol. “Peoples faces can’t be made of poo!”
“Carol it’s a figure of speech,” said Fergus.
“You’re a figure of speech,” said Captain Winky.
“Shut up! I’m on the phone mate,” said Fergus.
“Soooo Chris,” said Fergus. “What is the problem?”
“Well,” said Chris. “My friend Melissa is being mean to my other friend Joan. I are loathe that. I are just want them to be friends. It freaks me out when Melissa are mean!”
“I see,” said Fergus. “Were on our way.”
Wow that was fast thought Chris. Usually it takes hours for problem solvers to leave the building and where was Wild Will today? Had he been replaced by some other canine?
Who is this Fergus? Chris bursts into giggles again, just thinking about the name. Fergus! Fergus! Fergus!
Melissa shows up from class. “Hey Chris what’s so funny?”
“Fer-gus! He he!” said Chris.
“I’m sorry what?” Melissa replied.
“That name…”said Chris.
He grabs some paper and writes something down in the form of an acrostic poem.
Furry
Egotistical
Racists
Go
Under
Siege
“Ummm…Fergus?” Melissa asked after decoding the cryptic poem.
“He he yes it makes me laugh myself stupid,” Chris replied.
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
Moments later the problem solvers arrive.
“Wow! That was fast,” said Chris. “Hey where’s Wild Will?”
“Wild Who?” said Fergus.
“Melissa?” said Carol.
“Carol?” Melissa replied. “What the heck are you doing here?”
“Well obviously I’m a problem solver,” said Carol.
“I thought you wanted to be a waitress?” said Melissa.
“I’m too fat to be a waitress, REMEMBER!”
“Ummm….right well it’s nice to see you again.”
“Wait you called the problem solvers too?” said Chris.
“Ummm…noooo,” Melissa replied. “Usually I call the ones in Canada because I keep forgetting the Aussie number.”
“Noooo you forgot your brain,” said Carol.
“Shut up Carol!” said Melissa.
“Wow this are explain everything. I called the problem solvers in Australia but it are sounds to me like you is expecting Wild Will.”
“No I wasn’t,” said Melissa. “ Anyways I can guarantee two of them aren’t Australian.”
“How do you know?” said Chris.
“Well…” said Melissa. “The girl there, be my friend from Canada and that there is a beaver a very Canadian mammal.”
“Hey I have dual citizenship!” said Captain Winky.
“Ohhh this is the infamous Carol?” said Chris. “I are have wanted to meet you for a very long time. We are should call Amy and let her know Carol came to visit you.”
“I am assuming Carol didn’t come to visit she came to solve your problem. What ever it may be,” said Melissa.
“Oh I see,” said Chris.
“Right, you must be Melissa,” said Fergus.
“Yes,” said Carol. “Obviously it Melissa, she is the ONLY Nerdy weird retarded NERD girl here.”
“Where is Alyssa?” said Captain Winky.
“Who’s Alyssa?” said Melissa.
“The illustrator,” said Fergus.
“What this story doesn’t have an illustrator!” Melissa replied.
“Why not?” said Fergus.
“Because she is the writer!” said Chris.
“What! I’M NOT THE WRITER!” Melissa yelled. She throws her notebook across the refectory. It hits a guy guy in the back.
“Oh no,” said Chris. “You just hit Multimedia Guy!”
“Noooo Melissa’s not the writer. I am!” said Carol.
All of a sudden there was a blast of steam. Wild Will, John and Adventure Joe had arrived.
“Yay! Adventure Joe is back!” said Melissa and Chris.
“Booo!” said Wild Will.
“Carol, you’re not the writer,” said John.
“Wait, how did you get back Joe?” Chris asked.
“Customs wouldn’t let me leave,” said Joe.
“Wait! Did this fat girl say she was the writer?” said Wild Will. “I’m insulted. How dare you imply that you are my mommy! I AM GOING TO EAT YOU!”
“Do you need a plate, cutlery a nice soup base?” Fergus replied. “I brought mine just in case I needed a snack.”
“Ummm WHAT!” said Wild Will. “I was just threatening I really had no intentions of eating her.”
“Yeah I’m too fat to eat,” said Carol. “Fergus tried but he said all my fat made him lose his appetite.”
“He he Fergus!” said Chris.
“Stop laughing at my name!” said Fergus. “Pray tell you’re lucky I don’t eat skinny people.”
“Yes he hates vegetables,” said Captain Winky.
“Really? Wild Will loves vegetables,” said John.
“Shut up!” said Wild Will.
“Let me guess,” said Joe. “He says I’m not going to eat you but, then he does?”
“Yeah why?” said Fergus. “You got a problem with that?”
“Yes! Because it’s deceiving,” said Chris. “Wait a second; you said you weren’t going to eat me!”
There was a scrapping noise. Captain Winky and Carol are both pushing a giant cooking pot.
Chris gulps. “Oh no anything but that! A moose wearing a sweater walks by.
“What are you afraid of Chris? The moose or the pot?” said John.
“Don’t worry Chris I won’t let him eat you!” said Chris.
“Carol, get my soup base,” said Fergus. “And don’t forget to add the moose this time!”
“Wow! You’re a pig,” said Joe. “You can eat an entire moose, plus Chris, plus that tree? What the!”
Captain Winky brings over a palm tree. He dunks it in the pot. “Damn palm tree it hurts my teeth eh!” he replied.
“I’m confused,” said the moose. “Writer what am I doing here?”
“Yeah Melissa, what’s with the moose?” said Wild Will.
“I don’t know what Winkai is doing here, but…wait never mind Winkai is a girl. Sorry I don’t know why the moose is here?” said Melissa. “By the way, I’m not the writer!” She throws her note book it again hits Multimedia Guy.
“OK that’s it,” said Multimedia Guy. He turns around. He sees the assortment of talking animals, Chris, the moose.
“What the?” said Multimedia Guy.
“Ummm hello…said Chris. “How are you Multimedia Guy?”
“Ummm….OK I guess,” said Multimedia Guy. He sits and ponders for a minute. Why did he call me Multimedia Guy?
“Hi,” said Melissa. “I can explain this Chris and I called problem solvers each with our own respective problems. Umm…yes that’s it.”
“Melissa wants to make sweet sweet love to you,” said Chris. “That’s her problem Multimedia Guy.”
“Look my name isn’t Multimedia Guy its…”he said.
“Roo roo roo,” said Wild Will. “I don’t like Fergus!”
“Fergus!” Chris starts to laugh.
“Stop that!” said Fergus.
“Oh I am so embarrassed.” Melissa runs away.
“Melissa come back,” said John. We haven’t solved your problem.”
Melissa runs into none other than Joan.
“Hi Mel!” said Joan.
“Its Mel-ISSA!” said Melissa.
“Oh sorry Mel,” Joan replied.
Melissa cringes. I give up! She thought.
“Gee Mel you look worried are you OK? Did you want brownies,” Joan said, with a look of Joan like concern.
“Ummm…this big brown dog is about to cook Chris up and eat him and I’m embarrassed because the guy I like knows about my hidden affections, which doesn’t involve making sweet sweet love by the way,” said Melissa.
“Oh no!” said Joan. “Lets go save him!” She shouts.
“You know Joan you could be less obvious,” Melissa replied.
“Sorry Mel…”
“Listen its MEL-ISSA!”
Joan and Melissa arrive back at the refectory…Wild Will and Fergus were in the middle of a heated argument. To Melissa’s relief Multimedia Guy was gone.
“Nooooo! Don’t eat CK!” Joan yells in desperation.
“OK,” said Fergus. “Can I eat you then?”
“Well aren’t you a sick minded doggy,” Joan replied.
“Psst…Joan,” Melissa elbows Joan and whispers…“Not that kind of eating.”
“You mean?” Joan replied.
“Yes cannibalism,” Melissa said.
“Nooooo Fergus doesn’t eat cannon balls,” Carol said.
“Well actually its only cannibalism if you eat your own kind,” said John, “for instance if Fergus ate Wild Will.”
Wild Will looks at John angrily.
“OK how about I eat you,” said Wild Will.
“Ah rottweiler!” said Joan, remembering Glumps, Ruthless Roy chasing Justin and her down a hill and Wild Will making her cry.
Melissa contemplates, perhaps she is too mean to Joan and perhaps they should be friends.
“Joan I’m sorry if I am mean too you. Its just sometimes I don’t like you,” said Melissa.
“That’s OK,” said Joan. “Sometimes I don’t like you either!”
“Fine then!” Melissa snapped.
“Wow you are solved my problem,” said Chris.
“We did?” said Fergus.
“Well they agreed to be friends,” Chris pointed out.
“They didn’t solve nothing,” said John. “Fergus was just trying to have lunch. P.S. Wild Will is better so there!
“Well maybe we know how to solve problems with out really doing anything eh!” said Captain Winky.
“Me hungry! Me want food!” said Fergus.
Meanwhile Chris is giggling in the corner.
“What’s so funny Chris?” Melissa asked.
“That name!” Chris replied.
“You! What’s so funny about my name?” said Fergus.
“Is it because I’m fat?” said Carol.
“Oh please!” said Joe. “Its because the big brown dogs name is actually pretty funny…he he…” Joe points and laughs.
“Mwhahahahahaha!” Wild Will laughed.
“Ha ha ha ha,” John laughed.
“Why is everyone laughing at me?” Fergus asked.
“Well I’m not,” said Melissa.
“Me either!” said Joan.
“Well I’m not laughing because I’m fat,” said Carol.
“What! I’m not laughing because I’m a beaver, which is better than all of you because I can build stuff and you can’t,” said Captain Winky.”That didn’t make any sense you piss ant little fucker,” said Wild Will. “Grrr…. Melissa why have these annoyances appeared in the story?”
“Umm…What! I’m not the writer!” said Melissa.
“Umm…yes which is why you are writing ferociously in that there notebook,” said Chris.
“Oh yeah…Carol can you help me out?” said Melissa.
“Oh OK,” said Carol. She takes the notebook and eats it. “Melissa’s writer secrets are protected forever in my fat.”
“Hey it’s nice how you trust me,” said Chris.
“You can have this pen,” said Melissa. “The all knowing writer pen.”
“Ummm…OK,” said Chris. He takes the pen and swallows it.
“Ha!” said Melissa. “I protected Chris from rottweiler turning into disease.”
“Right considering I never bit him you loser! Writer!” said Wild Will. “Oh yeah Melissa’s the writer.”
“What! I’m not the writer!” said Melissa. She takes her notebook and lights it on fire.
“Ohhhhh fire!” said Captain Winky.
“What! Melissa, Captain Winky is a pyromaniac!” said Fergus.
“Ummm…Right I wasn’t expecting that,” said Melissa.
“Noooo Captain Winky is spontaneously combustible,” said Carol.
“Whoops!” said Melissa.
Captain Winky explodes.
“Hmmm…that are interesting,” said Chris. “Wait were are Wild Will?”
There was an agonizing scream. Wild Will drags Multimedia Guy the group.
“Melissa! I solved your problem,” said Wild Will.
“Umm…I never called you with a problem,” Melissa said.
“You called yesterday?” said John.
“Yeah because I couldn’t bike up a hill because I’m fat!”
“Noooo I’m fat!” said Carol.
“Yes but didn’t you say you had the inability to concentrate because of this?” said John.
“Melissa did you waste our time?” said Wild Will. “I AM GOING TO EAT YOU!”
“Oh go eat yourself you vegetable retard NERD weird dog!” said Carol.
“Don’t insult my rottweiler character Carol or I’ll write mean stories about you,” said Melissa.
“But, Melissa you already do,” said Chris.
“That’s if I was the writer, which I’m not,” Melissa said.
“Hey look it are Multimedia Guy,” said Chris.
“My name isn’t Multimedia Guy its…” Multimedia Guy started.
“What’s that Captain Winky just exploded and none of the characters are aware of this?” said John.
“Uh oh yeah oh no Captain Winky exploded!” said Joe.
Silence. Six eyes on 12eyes.
“I’m confused What’s going on here?” asked Joan.
All of a sudden 18 pairs of eyes on Melissa.
“Ummm…Joan, these are my friends Wild Will, Adventure Joe, although he prefers to be called Joe and John,” said Melissa. “They’re problem solvers you call them when you have a problem and anything and everything will be solved.”
“That’s stupid,” said Joan.
“Nooo your stupid,” said Carol.
“Noooo….friends don’t threaten to eat you or obliterate your secret crushes,” said Carol. “Oh no! the guy whose name isn’t Multimedia Guy is turning into a rottweiler…SUMO!”
“Oh no anything but this!” Multimedia Guy yelled. Carol lands on him. The ground shakes.
“Wait! What the!” said Melissa “What are Kate, Jack and Amy doing here?”
“Am I being weird?” said Jack. He looks around nervously.
“I don’t know what I am doing here. I was at a news desk in Canberra, when all of a sudden I ended up here standing beside Kate and this guy I have never met!” Amy replied.
Kate is wearing a pink tutu and holds a very large shoe. She stares blankly and says nothing.
“Carol! You solved a problem that was meant for me!” said Wild Will. “I AM GOING TO EAT YOU!”
“Melissa how could you?” said John. He gives a disapproving look.
Joe glares at Melissa. “I am ashamed of you!”
“You mean you planned to squish Multimedia Guy?” Melissa asked.
“Oooooh Multimedia Guy is your Aussie husband for sure,” said Amy.
Kate whispers into Amy’s ear…”You’ve been gone to long.”
“Oh?” said Amy.
Kate continues to whisper to Amy. She points and laughs at Jack. Jack stands beside them confounded.
“Ewww….”said Amy. “He’s the ugliest guy on the face of the Earth!”
Chris walks up to Amy.
“He also eats babies,” he whispers.
“He WHAT!” Amy replied. “OH MY GOSH MELISSA!”
John is startled by Amy’s sudden outburst. However he still continued on his anti-Melissa rant.
“No I was supposed too!” said John. “We have another problem. We’re out of here!”
Wild Will, Adventure Joe and John blast off on their jet packs.
“You know what,” Wild Will called. “I am so angry with you I never even left a present for you.”
“Yeah well I never even wanted one anyways!” Melissa yelled.
“Wait, by present does he mean,” Chris whispers to Melissa. “poo poo?”
“Yes,” said Melissa. “He was going to leave a rottweiler surprise.”
“Wild Will?” Melissa said. “Don’t be angry.”
“Ummm….Melissa, Wild Will are gone,” said Chris.
“Noooo,” Melissa cried.
“Ummm….this is weird!” said Jack.
“Yeah this is weird,” said Kate.
“Oh so you do speak!” said Melissa.
“GO AWAY I HATE YOU!” Kate replies.
“What?” Melissa asked, confused by the sudden outburst.
“No you him.” Kate points at Fergus.
“Who Fergus?” Melissa asked.
Chris bursts out laughing.
“Chris! Stop laughing at the big brown dog!” said Kate. She begins to beat Chris with the shoe.
“Owe! Stop it!” said Chris.
“It are the only way to stop you from laughing,” said Kate. “Sometimes you have to hurt the ones you hate…I mean love.”
“Kate!” said Melissa. “Why the sudden violence?”
“I just said why Mel-issa,” Kate replied.
“What did I do?” Fergus asked.
“Umm well you have been remarkably silent,” said Melissa.
“Mel?” Joan said. “Am I still needed here?”
“Mel-ISSA!” Melissa replied. “No its all good you saved Chris from becoming soup.”
“Yay!” said Joan. “I’m going home to make beaver brownies.”
“Ohhhh can I come too?” said Kate.
“OK let’s go!” said Joan.
Kate and Joan walk off from the refectory hand in hand, signing joyous tunes.
“Melissa?” said Chris.
“Melissa?” said Chris. “What are going on here?”
“Yes, Melissa what is going on here?” Fergus asked.
“Melissa,” said Carol. “Why am I here? I’m supposed to be a waitress character and you know it.”
“I thought you said you couldn’t be a waitress because your fat?” Melissa replied. “Besides that’s a different story.”
Amy and Jack stare blankly. Confused looks appear on their faces.
“Uh Melissa…” Amy started.
“Go back to Canberra!” Fergus shouts. He points at her.
“OK back to Canberra I go,” she disappears in a puff of smoke.
“Ummm…this is weird,” Jack said.
“Yes Jack this are weird,” Chris replied.
All a sudden a beanstalk appears. A sign on it says. “All people named Jack must climb me.”
“Well it appears this is your cue to leave,” said Melissa.
“That’s discrimination,” said Jack. “Just because my name is Jack doesn’t mean I should climb it. Is it because I’m weird?”
Melissa sighs. “Just climb already or I’ll get Wild Will to come and eat everyone you care about.”
“Yes he are a mean dog,” Chris added.
“Yes and he doesn’t like people who eat babies,” said Carol.
“I don’t eat babies!” Jack said, sounding surprised.
“God damn it! I’m the writer and I want you to climb the beanstalk,” said Melissa.
“What for?” Jack asked.
“Because I’m amazingly clever, your name being Jack and all,” Melissa replied.
“Wait!” said Fergus. “You’re the writer?”
“What? Did I just say I’m the writer? Because I’m not,” Melissa said, sounding frantic. “I’M NOT THE WRITER!”
“Noooo you’re a NERD retarded weird girl,” said Carol.
“Carol, that’s a completely different story,” Melissa said.
“Oh yes did you know dolphins and whales used to have legs?” said Chris.
“Dolphins and whales didn’t have legs because their ocean dwelling,” Carol replied.
“Chris, that’s a different story,” Melissa said. “One that you wrote.”
“Oh Chris is the writer?” Fergus asked.
“Noooo Melissa is,” said Carol.
Melissa glares at Carol menacingly.
“Noooo I mean Jack is.”
“What?” said Jack, still standing by the beanstalk, “if I wrote stories like this that would be weird. Am I being weird?”
“Nooo Jack your climbing a beanstalk,” Chris said.
All of a sudden Jack had the urge to climb the beanstalk.
Five minutes later a chainsaw can be heard.
“Ah ha ha ha ha!” said Frostbite the Polar Bear.”
“I’ve come to destroy the refectory and this beanstalk?”
He inspects the plant, looks at Melissa, Chris, Fergus and Carol.
“What? Ummm…Am I in the right story?”
“Yes,” said Melissa.
“Wait! I know you. You’ve been getting friendly with my wife. Lachlan’s Mum,” said Fergus.
“You’re married to a human?” Jack called from the beanstalk. “That’s weird!”
“Noooo that’s bestiality!” said Carol.
“Hmmm…” Frostbite inspects the beanstalk. He saws it down. Jack comes falling down, followed by Jill.”
“What the?” said Chris. “You killed Jack!”
“I’m not dead!” Jack declared happily.
“No you’re just weird,” said Chris. “Melissa, this madness has to end. I’m going to help Kate and Joan make brownies.”
He storms of angrily.
“And I quit problem solving!” said Carol.
“Why?” said Fergus. “You were doing just fine.”
“My fat gets in the way,” said Carol. She walks off into the refectory and carries out a red plane.
“I’m going back to Canada!” said Carol.
“Wow! You sure exhibit superhuman strength,” said Frostbite.
“Yeah my fat makes me strong,” Carol said proudly. She pats her stomach.
“Carol, that’s a toy plane. A Lego man wouldn’t even fit in there,” said Melissa. “Look, since you’re here do you want to come and hang out at my flat?”
“Melissa! I’m not that way,” Carol exclaimed.
“Ummm I think I am going to go home now,” said Jack. He saunters off…Jill following him. Jack turned around.
“Stop following me! You have the wrong guy. You’re weird!”
“But your name is Jack!” Jill cried.
“Melissa,” said Fergus. “Can I come back to your flat with you? I live in the same area.”
“Ohhhh you’re that Fergus,” said Melissa. “Fine whatever I don’t care.”
“Can I come to destroy…I mean visit too?” Frostbite asked.
“No go back to Canada!” said Melissa.
“Fine then,” said Frostbite. “But, you haven’t seen the last of me though aha ha ha ha!
“Carol, Melissa and Fergus stand in silence.
“Lets go home now,” said Melissa. “I need a way to apologize to Wild Will and Chris. And I want brownies.”

© Melissa Canadian 2006

A story you wouldn't get even if you were a doo doo head...

Sorry about the absense...I have been busy with university but now that its done for the year I have time for more stories. Yay! I finally finished this one. Its a prelude to another that I am writing. This story sees the absense of Adventure Joe...he comes back in the next part and the addtion of a character called Carol.

A Multimedia of Problems Part 1: The created turns on the creator

It was a rainy morning. The grey overcast looms above. Melissa the writer… I mean bike rider is on her way to work as a Russian linguistic specialist as she is Russian Canadian, but actually she was working at a subs and sushi joint and would have rather stayed home and watched television all day. She feels rather energetic due to the enormous hill she has come across. Melissa loses her breath, her energy subsides. She determines she has a fat problem. This calls for a problem solver.
She dials 1-800-I-NEED-HELP-RIGHT-NOW
The operator comes on.
“Welcome to problem solvers network. How can we help you?”
“If you want to solve a garbage problem, such as collecting pop cans in hopes to go to South Australia press 90090027, if you have a miscellaneous problem, such as an eccentric friend who attempts to kill people, press 2727262697 , if you have a fat problem, such as a love of sweets and lollies press 7000 12 times, if you have a love problem press one.”
Now it was previously mentioned that Melissa had a fat problem, so she does attempt to dial 7000 12 times, but loses count after four tries. So she redials the number and presses one.
All the way across the Pacific Ocean, all the way to Montréal a pink light flashes, signifying a love problem. A new secretary named Rosie, the French Poodle answers the phone.
“Allo, velcome tu ze problem solverrrs office of William.”
“For the last time,” said an ominous rottweiler. “Its Wild Will. You’re fired.”
“He will be right with you,” said Rosie “Hold please.” She glares at Wild Will. “You only fire me because I am French.”
“What? I live in Montréal the most French city in Canada,” said Wild Will. “You see that plant over there that’s a French Lilly and I’ve been to an Italian, Russian, French house.”
“That’s actually a Queenslander,” added John.
Wild Will looks at John. “What’s the matter John?”
“I miss Joe,” John cried.
“Fine,” It appears that the problem is in Australia, so will find another ball-less koala and name him Captain Bottle pop Chris,” said Wild Will. “And he will hunt down Chris and agree with everything I say and make salad for me.”
“Or you will eat him,” said John.
“Yes, yes, I will, as long as he is made of carrots and celery and broccoli,” Wild Will added. “By the way Rosie, I’m firing you because you can’t get my name right.”
“And you’re not actually French,” said John. “You’re for Redneck Alberta.”
“I was born in Alberta,” said Wild Will. “Just because they’re a little conservative you have to label them as rednecks.”
“I’m from British Columbia,” said Rosie, “from a French community in New Westminster.”
“John, you get a cannon and I’ll take a gander at this ‘love problem’,” said Wild Will.
“A cannon?” said Rosie.
“Yes a cannon,” said John. “You are being fired in the literal sense, straight for the sun.”
Wild Will looks at John you’re a strange human he thought, an iucking fidiot. Wild Will answers the phone.
“Sorry that I kept you waiting, NOT!” said Wild Will. “Now what do you want?”
“Umm… I have a problem and it’s a love problem,” said Melissa.
“Good,” said Wild Will. “What is it? Wait! Your voice sounds familiar.”
“No it doesn’t. It sounds completely unfamiliar,” Melissa replied.
“Hmmm…are you sure?” said Wild Will.
“Yes,” said Melissa. “Anyways my problem is I am in love with this guy named Multimedia Guy and I can’t move my bike up this incredibly long gigantic elephantine hill because of it.”
“What?” said Wild Will. “It sounds like a fat problem in disguise of a love problem.”
“Right, well…I need help up a hill,” said Melissa.
“And where is this hill?” said Wild Will.
“Umm…it’s the same hill Jack and Jill fell down while being chased by Ruthless Roy.”
“Justin and Joan?” said Wild Will. “I knew it was you Melissa, unfamiliar my ass.”
“Well can you freaking help me or not?” said Melissa.
“Well we have to get a new Koala for John,” said Wild Will. “So we might as well come and see what we can do.”
“Look I’m using valuable time here,” said Melissa.
“I said we were coming you bum dancing lesbian firefighter,” said Wild Will.
“What?” said Melissa. “Amy is the bum dancing lesbian firefighter, but she is actually a journalist in Canberra.”
“Yeah well, I’m the lead character, so I can say what ever I want,” said Wild Will.
“Says who?” said Melissa.
“The writer,” said Wild Will.
“No I didn’t,” said Melissa. “I mean I’m not the writer.”
“Yes you did,” said Wild Will.
Melissa sighs. “Fine Wild Will have it your way.”
Boom! A loud explosion can be heard.
“What was that?” said Melissa.
“Oh it’s just John firing our new secretary Rosie,” said Wild Will, “out of a cannon.”
“Oh dear God,” said Melissa. “Why would you do that?”
“You should know writer,” said Wild Will. “I mean Mommy...he he.”
Wild Will hangs up the phone, grinning happily firings of staff made him unusually cheerful. It was the satisfaction of being in charge or perhaps it was the loud boom.
“Come on John, we have a problem to solve,” said Wild Will cheerfully.
“What?” said John. His face was black from smoke. He was deaf from the loud boom.
“Damn it John, I told you to wear ear plugs you iucking fidiot,” he trots off.
“What?” said John.
Wild Will writes a message for by the use of paw paints as he is a dog and cannot use a pen. The sign says. “JOHN TIME TO GO SOLVE A PROBLEM.”
John gives a thumbs up, signifying he understood.
John takes out his ear plugs. He flicks them at Wild Will.
“Damn it John!” said Wild Will. “I went through all that trouble for nothing?”
“Yep!” said John. “I did wear my ear plugs. Who’s the iucking fidiot now?”
“Well it appears I am,” said Wild Will. “Therefore I am going eat you, rip out your heart and fire everyone you love out of a cannon.”
“That was unneeded and mean,” said John. “Its like saying I’m going to make glue out of your massively evil rottweiler paws.”
“Yes, well you won’t because I will have eaten you,” said Wild Will.
“So what are you not a vegetarian now?” John asked.
“Shut up!” Wild Will shouted. “We will discuss this later at a time that is inconvenient for you, but first we have to solve another problem.”
“Fine!” said John.
The giant monstrosity know as John and the ridiculous rabid rottweiler a.k.a. Wild Will walk to the silver platform, strap on their jet packs and blast off.
Meanwhile, Melissa waits patiently at the bottom of the hill. It looms before her taunting her. “Ah ha I’m a big hill,” it says to Melissa while she ponders how she will mount it and be rid of the evil height and exasperation of travelling up it.
All of a sudden, John and Wild Will land beside her. They stand beside her silently.
“What’s a matter writer, I mean Melissa?” said Wild Will.
“I don’t have enough energy to make it up the hill. I think its because I’m fat!” Melissa replied.
“You’re not fat!” said John. “That’s fat!” He points to a short brunette girl in the shape of a barrel.
“What?” said the girl. “Melissa! What did I tell you about bringing me into your stories? I told you I was too fat to fit into them!”
“Oh hello Carol…I mean Melora,” said Melissa.
“What?” said John. “Are you making fun of people who are gravity, weight proportionately challenged?”
“You mean making fun of fat people?” said Wild Will.
Carol stands across the hill. She glares at Melissa in discontent.
“Melissa, I thought you were my friend. I think you should stop making fun of my fat!”
“But, Carol I wasn’t,” said Melissa.
“Unless I’m going to be a waitress character I see no point in you writing me in,” said Carol.
“Ummm….what? I’m not the writer!” Melissa throws her notebook it hits Carol in the arm.
“Owe,” Carol cried. “I thought this would get sucked into my fat, but it bounced off of it instead.” She picks up the notebook and begins to read it. “Oh I see your plans for this story,” Carol stated. “In this case I should not be offended.” She eats the notebook and belches. Carol walks off towards the service station.
“That was weird,” said John.
“Soooo Melissa about this hill,” said Wild Will. “I have a plan I will chase you up the hill in fear of me Wild Will because I am evil and I want to eat you.”
“But, Wild Will,” said Melissa. “You’re a vegetarian.”
“Yes but put that thought aside,” said John.
“Or how about you remember the time my bite turned you into a rottweiler,” said Wild Will
“What was the anecdote anyways?” said John.
“Pen ink,” said Melissa.
“That’s it?” said John.
“What do you mean?” said Melissa.
“I don’t know I thought that since your stories are so bizarre and complicated that you would have a more complicated anecdote,” said John.
“Shut up! I’m not the writer!” said Melissa.
“Umm… Melissa,” said John. “We know you’re the writer, but you can be assured we won’t tell anyone.”
“Right John,” said Wild Will. “Not tell anyone.” He grins evilly.
“OK How about you race John on that there tricycle over there,” said Wild Will.
“What?” said John. “That’s insane.”
“hmmm that’s scary,” said Melissa. “And it’s also a challenge. OK I’ll give it a whirl.”
“How exactly is this supposed to help?” said John.
“Well…” said Wild Will. “Melissa will be so ashamed of losing that I will be able to chase her like I first suggested.”
2001 A Space Odyssey music plays. A elephantine man on a red and white tricycle looms up the hill, followed by a girl on a green and white bike.
“What?” said Wild Will. “John actually beat you?”
Without any warning Wild Will chased Melissa up the hill.
“Squish!” Wild Will got a hold of Melissa’s bike tire. Air gushes out.
“Melissa, you’re supposed to ride away,” said Wild Will.
“I’m not scared enough too,” she replied.
John falls over on the tricycle. He crushes Melissa’s bike.
“Ah ha ha! You broke my bike. How am I supposed to get to work now?” Melissa whined.
“Ummm…your own two feet fat ass!” said Wild Will. “Mwhahahahahaha!”
“Great I could have just got the tire fixed but now my bike is butch. Thanks for not helping me,” said Melissa. She storms off.
“Melissa, come back will help you,” John called.
“It’s too late jack ass!” Melissa snapped.
“Oh no Melissa is being mean! Cure you pen ink!” said Wild Will.
“Ummm…Wild Will isn’t she like your MOM!” said John.
Wild Will shudders… “Oh yeah!”
“I’m so late for work now!” Melissa said while walking up the hill.
“Wait!” said John. “I have an idea.”
Two minutes later Melissa had a ride, John. He piggy backed her all the way to work Wild Will cracks a whip. “Mule mule, hurry hurry, “ he cackles.
“Oh would you piss off!” said John.
“Yes and to that I say. Roo roo roo roo roo!”

(c) Melissa Canadian 2006

A story only Chris and I will understand and possibly Amy, maybe Antonia

The Horror of Love…
(You’re so Kinwai…this story is definitely not about you.)

It was a dark Friday night. Chris and Melissa, two mismatched star crossed friends, walk down the dark path. Chris and Melissa were looking for Antonia. They were supposed to meet her and Kinwai at 7:30 at the bar, but she was mysteriously absent. Melissa feels like this is a beginning of a horror movie.
“You know Chris this reminds me of a horror movie because its dark and all,” she said.
“Yeah well, what would we kind of stuff would we talk about if we were in a horror movie and about to be mercifully dilapidated,” said Chris.
“Oh no its Freddy Kruger,” said Chris.
A Freddy Kruger look-alike jumps from behind a tree.
“Oh no, I won’t be sleeping tonight, better get my crucifix,” Melissa replied.
The friends keep walking unaware famous horror movie psychos were not around because the writer does not steal other characters.
“Whoo its Chucky and hey look its Jason,” said Melissa.
“And there is Michael Myers,” said Chris.
“Ahhh,” said Melissa.
“What? What is it?” said Chris. “Oh wait its only Joan and she is holding a knife.”
“Ahhh,” Melissa screamed. She runs away.
Joan is suspended in mid air after jumping from a near by bush.”Hi Mel!” said Joan in an annoying high pitched voice. “I mean sorry Mel…issa.”
“You want brownies?” she asks holding a pan of brownies.
“Umm…no thanks,” said Melissa. She is still running.
“But I baked them just for you,” she whined.
“I don’t want any,” said Melissa.
“But, Mel…issa?” said Joan.
“Noooo,” said Melissa.
“I’ll have brownies,” said Chris.
“Oh CK,” said Joan. “I knew you would.”
She cuts a chunk of brownie. Chris runs to catch up with Melissa. He eats the brownie, his face is smudged with chocolate goo.
“Where are you going?” said Joan.
“Uhhh…to hang out with friends at the bar,” said Chris.
“You’re not invited,” said Melissa. “A.E.S.M. members only.”
“Oh come on Melissa,” said Chris.
“Fine! Then you will have to change the name to the A.E.S.E.M,” Melissa replied. She storms off in a huff.
Chris sighs. “Geeze you really hate Joan, don’t you?”
“No I don’t hate her. I just don’t like her,” said Melissa.
Awkward silence, two eyes on four, four eyes on two, two of the eyes are angry eyes, the angry eyes being Melissa. Joan stands on the path silently.
“Umm…Joan I would run,” said Melissa.
“Why?” whined Joan.
“Because Wild Will is coming to threaten to eat you,” she replied.
“Ummm…Melissa doesn’t Wild Will, show up later?” said Chris. “This seems really inconsistent.”
“Urgh the writer accidentally wrote Joan in the story and now I, I mean the writer is trying to get her out of the plot,” said Melissa.
“How do you know?” said Chris. “Unless…”
“Unless what?” said Melissa.
“Unless you’re the writer,” said Chris.
“What! I’m not the writer.” She tosses the notebook and pen into the middle of the road. A car rides over it.
And sure enough Wild Will shows up and chases Joan away. Yay! I mean mwhahahahahaha!
“Wow the writer is really mean,” said Chris.
“Shut up!” said Melissa. “I mean, lets look for Antonia.”
“What about Joan?” said Chris.
“What about her?”
“Uh never mind,” said Chris. “Nooninooninooninoo!”
“Wow that’s such a trade mark,” said Melissa.
“Thank you,” said Chris.
The two friends make their way past the vast university buildings and the library. They finally arrive at the bar.
“Its Antonia!” said Chris.
“Say something Antonia,” said Melissa.
Chris looks at Melissa…
“What?” said Melissa.
“Nothing,” Chris replied.
“Ohhoho,” said Antonia, with excitement. “Wow you are here.”
“Hello Kinwai,” said Chris inconspicuously.
“Hi Chris,” said Kinwai. He is holding a digital camera.
Melissa sees the camera and as she a camera fiend, she brings out her own. I bet I can out take pictures with my camera, mwhahahahahahahahahhaa! Melissa thought.
“Can I take some pictures,” Melissa asked.
“Sure sure,” said Antonia.
She poses for Melissa. They each take pictures of each other. Chris joins in. Kinwai also takes pictures. Unfortunately for him his camera broke. It was all because of Antonia’s beautifulness.
Meanwhile across town, in an Italian French Russian house. Amy sits forlorn, her mother wouldn’t let her go out with friends because of her aspirations to be a bum dancer and lesbian firefighter. Actually her mum wouldn’t let her got because she stayed out to late the previous night. These are the many joys of being under 18.
Her mom never new about her secret ambitions, which didn’t include the previous fore mentioned careers…but actually she wanted to be a hard hitting journalist and animal patrol member, she had a beef with a certain rottweiler. Also she wanted to be a Bollywood star, but her problem, I mean story shall come later.
She sits in her room forlorn, plagued by cheerio’s, not the sausages and radioactive atomic men, pretending to be Raul, but are actually spies of Raj, who are stalking her and attempting to “capture a snap.”
And now back to the four friends, which includes three founding members of the A.E.S.M. The fourth person is merely Kinwai, for some reason he is unofficial, blame that one on Amy and Chris for not remembering and Melissa for having to ask the others who didn’t remember.
The group sit in the dark bar. Loud electronic music plays, bimbo blondes sit across from them.
Melissa can sense Chris’s madness from his lack of Coke a Cola. She gets up and walks to the counter. She buys a jug of coke. It costs her $5. No problem for Melissa. Ten minutes from now a chainsaw will be heard, but that’s ten minutes from now and an important part of the plot is about to begin.
While Melissa is being ripped off. Kinwai whispers to Chris inconspicuously.
“Chris,” said Kinwai, “can you do me a favour?”
“What would that be?” said Chris. “Can you convince me it is good?”
“Umm…,” said Kinwai. “Steal Antonia’s passport. I don’t want her to go away.”
“Neither do I,” said Chris. “But umm… how do I steal it?”
“Steal what?” said Antonia.
“Your hair,” said Chris.
Antonia pats her head. “What do you want with my hair Chris?”
“Umm…nothing…hey look, its Melissa with Coke,” said Chris.
Melissa arrives with a jug of Coke and four small glasses.
“Wow this jug only fills four glasses and tastes like crap,” said Melissa.
She shakes her fist in anger. The ice cubes spill on the black wooden table.
The four friends feel awkward, everyone is looking at them, including the blonde bimbos or so it seems.
“Hurry up and drink your Coke,” said Melissa.
“Sure sure,” said Antonia.
“What for?” said Chris.
Chris and Antonia begin playing with the spilt ice cubes. Melissa joins in, followed by Kinwai. Currently he is deep in thought, contemplating on how he will make Antonia stay.
All of a sudden a chainsaw can be heard.
“Ahahahahahah,” said a polar bear named Frostbite. “I have come to destroy this bar that charges too much for pop, I mean soft drinks and lets in blonde bimbos.”
Melissa checks her watch. It has indeed been 10 minutes.
“Hey guys,” said Chris. “You want to go to McDonalds?”
“Sure sure,” said Antonia.
“OK,” said Melissa.
“Alright,” said Kinwai.
The four friends escape the polar bears wrath, little did Chris know, he soon would be crossing paths with Frostbite and yet again that’s another story.

Chris, Antonia, Kinwai, Melissa and Amy walk down the dark path, towards McDonalds. Hey wait Amy isn’t there. She disappears in a puff of smoke. How odd thought Chris. What is going on here? he thinks.
“You know this reminds me of a horror movie,” said Melissa.” Chris and I were just talking about this before we met up with you.”
“Yeah and for some reason Joan jumped from out of nowhere and was suspended in mid air,” said Chris. “She offered us brownies.”
Antonia and Kinwai say nothing.
“Anyways,” Chris continued. “They tasted good, but Melissa didn’t want one because she hates Joan.”
“No I don’t,” said Melissa. “It’s the writer.”
“Why does the writer not like Joan?” Chris asked.
“Ummm….frick if I know. Why don’t you ask her?” said Melissa.
“OK sure,” said Chris.
“Who is Joan?” asked Antonia.
“Just another blonde,” said Melissa.
“Ah yes,” said Chris. “If this were a horror movie all of you would die, first Kinwai, the rest of you, followed by me, until its apparent I am the murderer.”
Kinwai stares at Chris. “Who me?” said Kinwai. He points to himself.
“Yes and right before you die, your holding a spatula,” said Chris. “And you say, ‘want pizza?’”
“Umm…OK,” said Kinwai.
“Yes and Chris says, meat pie!” said Melissa.
Chris sniffs. “Sniff sniff meat pie!” said Chris.
McDonalds was almost in sight. Chris is hungry, Melissa has blisters, Antonia is just happy to be with friends. Kinwai, who knows?
All of a sudden, they were interrupted by four normal university students. Melissa and Chris feel awkward. The writer contemplates how this story going and determines that this will be one long ass story, with no point, like most of the stories she writes.
Antonia explains that she is with her friends. The four university students feel as scared as Chris is staring at them and Melissa is just standing there writing in her notebook I mean doing nothing…no really.
While Antonia talks, one falls asleep; the others fall over, the remaining tow ogle Antonia. Kinwai feels jealous, but doesn’t appear so because he is good at hiding his feelings. One must wonder what goes on in the recesses of his mind, much like Chris, but we won’t go there. Although you can see something when you look in his eyes, a tiny flicker of light, the light of love, poor Kinwai.
Finally the four university students bugger off. Once they had arrive at McDonalds, Chris became a martyr and helped Melissa finish her mocha frappe, which she unintentionally bought. They sit outside at the silver metal table amongst curious onlookers.
“Melissa bought herself a frappe and she is unable to finish it and her pain is my pain,” said Chris, “and I have to sacrifice myself to save her from indigestion. I’m a martyr. Die you evil fiend.”
He stabs a straw into the cup. Ice slush sloshes out of the plastic cup.
“I want to make sweet sweet love to this frappe,” said Chris.
“Errr OK,” said Melissa.
“And I also want to make sweet sweet love to Gandhi,” said Chris between his frequent consumption of frappe.
“Well Gandhi doesn’t want to make sweet sweet love to you,” Melissa replied.
“Well Gandhi can go fuck herself,” Chris retorted.
He almost finishes the frappe.
“Don’t drink all of it,” Melissa wails.
“Oh no I’m falling in,” Chris screamed.
He grabs Melissa’s camera and dunks it in. The camera sparks and explodes.
“Oh no!” Antonia screams.
“That’s tops,” said Chris. He gives two thumbs up.
“No it isn’t Chris,” said Antonia. “You broke Melissa’s camera, shame shame on you.”
“Yeah sure it its tops Chris,” said Melissa. “Curse you.”
Kinwai was so deep in thought during this that he never even noticed any of the commotion. Why was Kinwai in such deep thought? As it was previously mentioned, He is in love with Antonia and his camera was broken. He has come to the conclusion that he needs a problem solver. A broken digital camera just won’t do.
Kinwai wanders off. The others pay no attention as Chris is busy being Chris and as of this very moment he is hiding under a table. Eventually after much psycho bantering between Melissa and Chris and Antonias sudden realization to the sudden disappearance of Kinwai, they leave, not just the messy table they were sitting at, but confused people.
Kinwai comes across a payphone He walks in he dials. He dials 1-800-I-NEED-HELP-RIGHT-NOW
The operator comes on:
“Welcome to problem solvers network. How can we help you?”
“If you want to solve a garbage problem, for example trash compactor problems, press 97233721, if you have a miscellaneous problem, such as broken digital camera, press 2726272628, if you have a fat problem, such as making frequent trips to the confectionary aisle at the supermarket press 3333 nine times, if you have a love problem press one.”
Now Kinwai definitely had a love problem, but he also had a miscellaneous problem, but he couldn’t remember the ridiculous code in which to dial so he pressed one.
Meanwhile across the Pacific Ocean, all the way to Montreal, the quarrelsome trio, Wild Will, Adventure Joe and John are fighting as usual. This time it’s because Wild Will is angry due to Joe’s discovery of his baby pictures.
“Ah ha,” said Joe. “I found Wild Wills puppy pictures.”
A picture of a cartoon can be seen.
“What the…” said Joe. “Since when is Wild Will a cartoon?”
“Hey where did you get that?” said Wild Will. “Tell me or I will eat you. Then I will throw the pictures into the fiery pits of dog hell. Mwhahahahahaha!’
“Umm…I found them,” said Joe. “Hey John come look at Wild Will’s baby photos.”
“Awhh,” said John. “There you are first being created.”
John points to a nerdy 18 year old girl writing in her note book, then to Wild Will sitting on a big yellow school bus.
“And there I am threatening to eat someone for the first time,” said Wild Will. He grins evilly. “Those were the days.”
“Oh look there’s your mom,” said John. “She is writing you down for the first time.”
“Mommy,” said Wild Will. “I love my Mommy.”
John and Joe look at Wild Will. This is a side of Wild Will I have never seen before, John thought.
“Well she is my Mummy too,” said Joe. “She created me as well.”
“Noooo,” said Wild Will.
“Why would my Mommy do this to me? Out of all the cruel and demented story lines,” Wild Will sobbed.
“Don’t worry Wild Will. She is my mom as well,” said John.
“Yeah only because she is basing you on her old journalism instructor, who is 6”5, except you don’t have a mustache or and Irish name,” said Wild Will.
“Wilson is an Irish name,” said John.
“In honour of her crazy math/science teacher?” said Wild Will.
“Guess what Joe? When you were invented you sounded like Guy Sebastian,” said Wild Will. “Mwhahahahahahahha!”
“Noooo,” said Joe. “I don’t know what is worse sounding like Guy Sebastian or Rove McManus.”
Writers note: There was a dove character that sang like Guy Sebastian, but Wild Will shot him with an air riffle. Unfortunately the writer didn’t think it was nice to write about animal cruelty, whether it was human vs. animal, animal vs. human or animal vs. animal. Wild Will laughs evilly at the memory of this. The tale of the doomed dove shall be told later, as of now a pink light flashes signifying a love problem.
“Oh dear God, not another love problem,” John whined.
Carma stands behind the desk.
“You know one of you is going to answer this don’t you?”
“Why don’t you answer it?” said Joe.
“Umm...that isn’t in my job description,” she replied.
“Actually it is,” said John.
“Yeah answer the phone or I will eat you,” added Wild Will.
“Puhlease!” she said.
“John, get Ruthless Roy for me,” Wild Will ordered.
“No not Ruthless Roy,” Carma cried.
“Then answered the phone,” said John.
“Fine, but I’m warning you, I’m sick of being the useless character that does f’ all,” Carma said.
“Hello Wild Will’s office Carma speaking,” she answered.
“Hello this is Kinwai,” said Kinwai.
“A problem solver will be with you in just a moment, please hold.”
“Here you go Joe,” she shoves the phone in the poor koala’s face.
“What?” said Joe. “I’m not answering it, here you go John.” He slides the phone to John, as he is perched on Johns shoulders.
“Hmm…” said John, “no way.” He throws the phone at Wild Will it makes a thud as it hits him in the face, so much for the writer’s stance on animal cruelty.
“Grr…” said Wild Will. “Fine, but your get the next one John.”
“Fine,” John sighs.
“Hello,” said Wild Will. “This is Wild Will, what do you want?”
Yes Kinwai is still on the line. He is really patient doctors love him.
“Hi this is Kinwai.”
“What’s you’re problem?” said Wild Will.
“You are,” said Joe.
“Not you No Balls, the guy on the phone,” Wild Will replied.
“Umm…actually I’m not sure, my camera is broken and the girl I love is leaving soon.”
“Does this girl love you?” said Wild Will.
“No, she is in love with some other guy.”
“Then give up and find some other girl, mwhaahahahahahah!”
“Wait,” said John, overhearing the conversation. “Is this an actual love problem?”
“Yes,” said Wild Will. “But he seems more concerned with his camera.”
“I think I can help and we may not even have to travel over there.”
“Really?” said Wild Will. He scratches his chin with his massively evil rottweiler paws.
“OK,” said Wild Will. “You have a go, you’re speaking with Kinwai.”
“Hello Kinwai,” said John. “This is John. I’m understanding that this is an actual love problem?”
“Yes and my camera, it is broken,” said Kinwai.
“The girl you love is leaving. I think your Kodak Easy Share digital camera is hardly the problem.”
“How did you know what kind it was?” Kinwai asked.
“Lucky guess?” said John. “Listen, she is from Hong Kong as well right?”
“How did you know we’re from Hong Kong?”
“Shut up! I’m psychic,” John replied.
“What’s this girls name anyway? Is it Antonia?”
“Yes,” said Kinwai. “How did you know?”
“The writer told him,” said Joe. “How else?”
“The writer, who would that be?” said Kinwai.
“That’s classified,” said John, “which means I don’t know but I want to sound like I actually do.”
“Umm…OK,” said Kinwai.
“So anyways dude, what you have to doe is steal her passport,” said John.
“That’s it?” said Kinwai.
“Well you could buy her some flowers,” said Joe.
“Or lock her in your cupboard,” said Wild Will.
“You’re sick,” said Joe. He furrows his eyebrows. “If I had a shoe, I’d throw it at you.”
“I do,” said Carma. She hand it over to Joe. He eagerly throws it at Wild Will. It bounces off his box shaped head.
“Owe!” said Wild Will. “You’re going to the sausage factory, you piss ant little fucker.”
“Wild Will we have someone on the line, watch your language,” said Carma.
“Weight watchers,” said Wild Will. He laughs evilly. Carma bursts into tears.
“Urhg, you guys keep it down,” said John. “I’m busy here.”
“Sorry about that Kinwai,” John continues. “As I was saying if you take her passport then she can’t leave the country.”
“I already thought of that!” said Kinwai. “It’s a matter of distracting her.”
“Ummm hmmm…” said John. “You could use some friends to distract her.”
“I guess,” said Kinwai.
“Ummm…distract her by some sort of diversion. Are you right?” said John. “Or do you need our assistance?”
“No!” said Kinwai.
Kinwai was much to smart for this. To smart for this story in fact. So he hung up in anger. Staring across from him were his friends, Antonia, Chris and Melissa.
“What are you doing Kinwai?” said Antonia.
“Hmm…yes Kinwai, what are you doing?” said Chris. “Was it Amy? Did she convince you it was good?”
Melissa says nothing she knew what Kinwai was doing.
“Umm…calling for pizza?” said Kinwai. “But it will take too long so I change my mind.”
“Uh huh,” said Melissa. The quartet walk back to Antonia’s.
A problem unsolved or so it seemed at the time. Kinwai and Antonia walk side by side. All of a sudden an ominous rottweiler appears from the shadows. Good old Wild Will. John sent him as a quick diversion on suggestion from Adventure Joe…who needed time to poison his vegetarian dog food.
Chris and Antonia see this as a malicious man eating attack. They run away, followed by Melissa. Kinwai was more concerned about his camera.Chris falls over into a ditch screaming. Melissa loses her breath because she thought about her friend Carol and Melissa remembered that she was fat. Antonia stops in her tracks she sees Wild Will rise in the air with his jet pack.
“I left you a going away present Antonia,” said Wild Will. “Mwhahahahahaha.”
“That’s not very nice,” said Melissa. “Well I’m not cleaning it up. Hey wait it’s a digital camera.”
“Bye Mommy,” said Wild Will. “By the way John said ‘Good luck Kinwai’ and I’m giving you a camera as a memento.”
“Since when are you so nice?” said Melissa.
“Hey, yeah since when am I so nice?” said Wild Will. “Oh well I must go vegetables to eat, people to threaten.” He blasts off, all that is left is a fiery trail.
Antonia is mystified by the flying talking rottweiler. Melissa is amused by Wild Wills antics and Chris is in a state of shock, because kangaroos and koalas can’t procreate. It was during this bizarre commotion, that Kinwai quickly steals Antonia’s passport. It was weeks latter, until she realised this.

© Melissa Canadian 2006 All rights reserved.

The story that no one will understand unless you are the writer. Or possible Amy or Chris or Antonia or Me or Wild Will... Part 4

Wild Will and Melissa the Writer vs. Justin and Joan P.S. Ruthless Roy

Jill was a short blonde girl, the kind that made you jealous. It wasn’t because Jill was pretty. It was because she had style and confidence. This caused a problem for Maria because she only saw Jill’s bad qualities. Jill was extroverted, loud, lively, the parallel opposite of Maria. Maria was tall, kind of frumpy, sarcastic and witty, with a mean streak.
Then there was Jack he was the male version of Jill. He annoyed Melissa I mean Maria by he constant points about the Australian way, which really wasn’t the way. It was peanut butter on stale bread.
Now Jack liked Jill. Maria unfortunately kind of liked Jack, but not really. Jack and Jill made Maria’s life miserable. Jack and Jill had to go she needed a problem solver. A problem solver helped, listened and anything and everything was solved.
It was late Saturday afternoon. Maria was slumped in the chair by the telephone. Jill lay on the couch beside her while Jack attempted to be nice to Melissa I mean Maria out of politeness, but his intentions were for Jill. Today was the day Maria had enough. She picked up the telephone. She dials inconspicuously as not to let Jack and Jill know what she was up too.
She dials 1-800-I-NEED-HELP-RIGHT-NOW
The operator comes on.
“Welcome to problem solvers network. How can we help you?”
“If you want to solve a garbage problem press33998723, if you have a miscellaneous problem to press 2798665, if you have a love problem press one , if you have a fat problem press 3000 three times..”
Obviously Maria had a miscellaneous problem not a love problem, but she was too lazy to press 2798665 so she pressed 1. Across town a pink light flashes, “beep, beep, beep”
“Oh no it’s a love problem,” said Carma a chubby girl with brown hair and eyes.
“Grr…,” said Wild Will, a beastly Rottweiler. “I hope I don’t have to eat a blonde again, you know how they upset my stomach.”
“Oh Wild Will, just threaten to eat her. She’ll get the message.
“’Nah I’ll send Ruthless Roy.”
Ruthless Roy was Wild Wills little brother. He was ten times more vicious and when he says he’ll eat you he actually will.
“Beep, beep, beep.”
“Answer the problem already,” said Carma.
“Fine,” said Wild Will. “Don’t order me or I will eat you.”
“Oh Wild Will you’re one of a kind,” said Carma she flashes a smile.
“Put the speaker on,” Wild Will commanded.
“Hello,” said a child like voice.. “I have a problem.”
“What is it?” said Wild Will. “You better not be another eight year old.”
“I’m twenty one,” she replied. “My problem is I am kind of sort of having problems with my flatmates they are getting on my nerves.”
“Elaborate,” said Wild Will.
“Well one is in love with himself and the other she won’t shut up. She talks when I am talking, when no one is talking, when everyone is talking and its always about total shit.”
Carma rolls her eyes. Good grief she thought why doesn’t she just move out?
“She already did,” said the writer. “This story takes place before she moves out, before her friends go insane.”
“What?” said Carma she looks around the office.
“Ummm…. Disregard that last comment,” said the writer. “The voice you are hearing is just a figment of your imagination. Oooooohhhhhh, P.S. Ruthless Roy.”
“Wow that is a problem,” said Wild Will. “I’ll be on my way. By the way who am I speaking with?”
“Melissa I mean Maria.”
Wild Will hangs up the phone he turns to Carma. She sits at the desk forlorn and bored.
“Page Ruthless Roy. Tell him I am waiting for him at back entrance,” said Wild Will.
“What about John and Joe?” asked Carma.
“Screw them!” said Wild Will. “John has taken Joe to Vancouver so Joe can learn to speak Canadian.”
“Oh, can I come,” said Carma.
“No Carma you have to be bilingual,” said Wild Will. “I’m going to Australia. You can’t go there speaking Canadian can you?”
“But I am sick of waiting here at the office,” said Carma.
“Well what happens if my friend Frostbite shows up or Reds parents,” said Wild Will. “Someone has to tell them about the giraffe.”
“You’re a jack ass,” said Carma.
“What? Two minutes ago. I was one of kind, now I am a jack ass?” said Wild Will.
“You’re a one of kind jack ass,” said Carma.
Wild Will starts to get annoyed. “Fine! I’m a one of a kind jack ass.” He trots out and laughs evilly, “Mwhahahahahahah!”
Carma stands there at the desk. She pouts.
“WILD WILL I QUIT!”
“FINE!” said Wild Will from the hallway, “but before you go tell Ruthless Roy to meet me at the back entrance.”
Carma sighs.
“FINE!” she screams.
A moment has passed Carma is still fuming, yet she calls Ruthless Roy.
“Heloooo,” said Ruthless Roy.
“Wild Will wants you to meet him at the back entrance,” said Carma. She hangs up the phone. She has done her part. Now she shall leave never to be seen again….or so she thinks.
“Why does Wild Will want me?” said Ruthless Roy.
There was silence.
“Hello?” he said.
Still silence. Now Ruthless Roy wasn’t stupid so he figured he should hightail it to the back entrance.
He arrives at the back entrance. Wild Will is waiting for him.
“Hello,” said Wild Will.
“What is it this time?” Ruthless Roy growled evilly.
“Love problem I think it calls for Lunch disposal.”
“Wonderful,” said Ruthless Roy.
Wild Will and Ruthless Roy strap on their jet packs and blast of the silver platform. The sky zips by them, flying around buildings as they wiz by. The Rottweilers arrive at an ugly bungalow. They knock on the door they figure rudeness was necessary for a love problem. The reason: Wild Will and Ruthless Roy knock on the door is because people have to stop what they are doing to answer it, which the rottweilers interpreted as rude.
“Hello?” said a voice. The door creaks opens.
“Hallo you’re so pretty,” said Wild Will.
“Yes so very pretty,” said Ruthless Roy.
Jill burst into tears and then screams. For Wild Will ugly meant pretty and pretty meant ugly, but that wasn’t the reason. The reason Jill was crying and screaming? To her rottweilers whether they talk or not, meant death pain and humiliation. She once had a bad run in with a rottweiler named Glumps, who bit her and ran off with her pet rabbit Toby.
“Curse you Glumps,” she screams.
“May we please come in?” said Wild Will rudely.
The door slams in their faces.
“Ahhhha, rotty’s are evil and rude and scary ahhha,” said Jill.
“Alright, that was not nice. Let us in,” said Wild Will.
The door opens. It was Melissa, I mean Maria. She stands there gleefully.
“You must be Wild Will?” she said.
“Melissa?” said Wild Will. “Not again. I have had enough of you and your A.E.S.M. friends.”
“For purposes only known to the writer and her A.E.S.M friends, my name is Maria.”
“Why?” said Wild Will.
“Because the writer said so,” said Melissa. She is holding a notepad and pen. She looks at it.
“What I am not the writer.” She tosses the notepad and pen, a dozen vicious rats come and tear the notepad a part. The pen rolls under the wicker couch.
“Psst. Writer,” said Ruthless Roy.
“Yes,” said the writer, who was really Melissa, but is known as Maria.
“What’s the A.E.S.M?”
“The Alien Ethnic Society and Melissa,” said Melissa.
“OK writer what is Jill’s real name?” said Ruthless Roy.
“Joan,” said Melissa.
“Ah ha,” said Wild Will. “Now I know why you wrote short blonde and annoying.”
“Ummm…I’m not the writer,” said Melissa, known as Maria.
Joan I mean Jill can be hear sobbing in the background.
“Ahhhha rotty’s scare me.”
“Stop calling us rottys. We’re called rottweilers,” said Wild Will, “or I will eat you.”
“Aren’t you a vegetarian?” said Maria.
“Who told you that?” said Wild Will.
“The writer…I mean John,” said Maria.
“John?” said Wild Will. “He is such a useless character.”
“Since I am talking to the writer…” started Wild Will.
“I’M NOT THE WRITER!” said Melissa I mean Maria.
She throws the note pad and pen across the room. They bounce of the wall, the note book kills the rats.
“Alright, lets get this over with,” said Wild Will. “Maria likes Jack but, Jack likes Jill.”
“Jill also gets on Maria’s nerves,” added Ruthless Roy.
“That’s exactly it,” said Maria. “Except I don’t like Jack”
“Who would?” said Wild Will. “By the way is Jack’s name Justin?”
“Uh…yes, but for reasons only known to the writer, his name is Jack.”
“So why is he wearing a shirt that says Justin?” said Ruthless Roy.
“Because he is umm,” said Maria. “Gosh I have no idea why. I don’t remember writing that…I mean he is an idiot.”
“No I’m not an idiot. My name is Justin,” said Jack.
“No its Jack.”
“Justin!”
“Jack!”
“OK why is it Jack?”
“Because the writer says so, she is the creator of this universe and she can do what ever she wants including naming you Jack and Joan Jill. One more peep out of you and I’ll make so Ruthless Roy eats both of you and have an insane polar bear come and destroy this obscenely ugly house with a chain saw.”
“Not the writer eh?” said Ruthless Roy.
“Noooo,” said Maria. “She’s a…hey look over there!” She runs over to the table and starts to write on her laptop a horribly hilarious scene in which Jack and Jill meet their demise on a hill and Ruthless Roy comes after them.”
“Hey writer!” said Wild Will. “Can you un-create Joe?”
“Noooo, I like Joe,” said Melissa, yes Melissa not Maria.
“Can you un-create Chris?” said Wild Will.
“Noooo, he’s a real person and my friend so piss off!”
“What’s going on here?” said Jack, ah forget it Justin.
“Make the rottys leave,” said Joan.
“Noooo,” said Melissa. “I’m the writer. I’ll do what I want too. I mean I am not the writer.”
“What a second…are you making fun of us?” said Justin.
He reads Melissa’s story over her shoulder. She slams her arms over her laptop protectively.
“Haven’t you ever heard of privacy Mr. I read peoples journals and MSN conversations,” said Melissa. “That’s right Joan. He read your journal. Mwhahahahahahahaha!”
Ruthless Roy and Wild Will look at Justin. Geeze he is dumb thought Ruthless Roy. Iucking fidiot, thought Wild Will.
“Noooo,” I didn’t,” said Justin.
“Mel…why are you writing a mean story about us? I thought you were are friend,” said Joan.
“Stop reading my note book,” said Melissa. “I’m not the writer.”
She pushes her laptop off the table it lands with a clunk on the stone floor. It bursts into flames.
“Really, it’s pretty evident that you are,” said Wild Will.
“Shut up!” said Melissa. “Or I will find a way to write Chris in the story.”
“You write him in and I’ll eat you,” said Wild Will.
“Mel…” said Joan.
“ITS MELISSA It’s only three syllables its not that hard to say. I don’t want to be called Mel,” said Melissa. “No keep quiet or I have you turn a wild bore with no sense of smell and a love of curious cats.”
“Yeah,” said Wild Will. “Call her Melissa or Ruthless Roy will eat you.”
“Yeah,” said Ruthless Roy. “I will eat you.”
“Listen,” said Justin. “Aussies abbreviate names. Everyone calls people named Melissa…Mel.”
“Yeah and most Aussies are smart enough to listen when someone says they don’t want to be called Mel,” said Melissa. “Like Amy and Chris.”
Chris, Melissa’s elusive friend waltz’s in the door.”
“Hi Melissa,” he said.
She starts to go up the stairs.
“Nooooo Chris!” said Wild Will. “He torments me, my rottweiler soul howls in pain.”
“CK, CK!” said Joan.
“Uh Chris, what are you doing here?” said Melissa. She looks around inconspicuously.
“Who is Chris?” said Ruthless Roy.
Melissa shows Ruthless Roy a story about Chris in another notebook.
“Oh OK,” he replied.
“Umm I don’t know. Hey look over there.” Chris runs out the door.
Ruthless Roy looks at Melissa. “I’m confused why did he just show up?”
“I don’t know,” said Melissa. “I am just showing how powerful I am as the writer.”
“So you are the writer,” said Wild Will.
“Yes I am the writer,” said Melissa. “But don’t tell anyone or I will erase you from existence.”
“All hale the great writer,” said Ruthless Roy.
“Stop it,” “said Melissa. “I get embarrassed when people praise me.”
“Umm…I’m a rottweiler,” said Ruthless Roy.
“Ah yes them too,” said Melissa.
“Would you hurry up and end this story,” said Wild Will. “I’m hungry I eat writers. Grrrr…”
“Noooo, you don’t,” said Melissa. “Wild Will does not eat writers because without a writer there be no Wild Will.”
“Fair enough,” said Wild Will, “Mommy.”
“OK I will end the story but not before I tell Joan that…” said Melissa. “Wait a second did you just call me Mommy?”
“Tell me what?” said Joan.
“That no one likes you. Ahhahahahaha,” said Wild Will. “How’s that Mommy. Am I being meaner now?”
“Uh yes perfectly mean,” said Melissa. “Thank you Wild Will. I mean my surrogate character in the form of a rottweiler.”
“Yes they do,” said Joan. “I have heaps of friends.”
Joan looks like she is on the brink of tears.
Awkward silence.
“I don’t believe you,” Joan shouts. She cries uncontrollably, while Justin is stands in the room dumbfounded.
“OK, so how does this wonderfully mean story end Mommy?” said Wild Will. He grins happily.
“Ummm…like this,” said Melissa. “Justin. Joan. Run!”
“Why Mel why?” Joan whines in a high pitch. The rottweilers howl in pain. Sorry rottweilers that’s just how it has to be.
The sinister Ruthless Roy has had enough of Justin and Joan. So he and Wild Will chase them to a hill. They go tumbling down a hill like Jack and Jill and Ruthless Roy goes running after them. The end. Oh yes and Frostbite, Wild Wills elusive polar bear friend came to destroy the ugly house with a chainsaw. He brings a friend, a friend named Chris.
“Noooo,” said Wild Will. “You stole my friend.”
“Yes, yes I did,” said Chris. “The writer convinced me it was good.”
“Curse you Melissa the Writer,” said Wild Will. “I am going to eat you.”

© Melissa Canadian 2006 All rights reserved.

The story that no one will understand unless you are Amy or Chris or Antonia or Me or Wild Will... Part 3

Antonia French and the 12 Dozen Singing Koalaroos
(You’re so Antonia I bet you think this story is about you.)

The sirens blare, the ambulance races down the street. Melissa lies on the bed. She was bit by a psycho, rabid, demented, talking dog rottweiler.
“Owe, my leg,” said Melissa. “Her right leg was swollen and bleeding from the evil Wild Will.
Antonia looks after Melissa, but she is more concerned about her passport and the fact she may have drank Chris’s poison lemonade.
They arrive at the hospital. The doctors were puzzled by Melissa’s condition. She was starting to grow fur and threatening to eat people.
Dr. Harrison the smartest doctor present, decided that she should stay overnight for observation, while he met with other doctors to discuss her condition. It was also arranged that security made sure that evil dread journalists, who are about as trusted as used car sales men, didn’t find out.
While the doctors cared for Melissa, Antonia calls Kinwai and berates him for stealing her passport.
“Oh c’mon Antonia it’s only because I love,” said Kinwai on the phone.
They start to shout at each other in Cantonese, while confused people in the outpatients look on curiously. After much debate Kinwai agreed to give Antonia her passport back.

Antonia decides to visit Melissa while she waits, which she thinks will be forever, this is because Antonia has had contact with Melissa that they are now in quarantine, due to the fact that Melissa just, like a werewolf would is changing into not only a dog, but a rottweiler. So actually she never had a choice in the matter.
They sit together in silence. Melissa is lying on the hospital bed, while Antonia sits in the grey hospital chair beside her.
“Curse you Wild Will,” said Antonia. “You have brought great pain on my friend.”
“Whoo! Look I have a tail,” said Melissa. “And it wags. Yay!”
“Why?” said Antonia. “Why must my friend turn into a dog?”
“Because the writer wants her too,” said Melissa.
Melissa is holding a notepad and pen. Antonia looks at her and tilts her head in confusion.
“What?” I’m not the writer,” said Melissa. She throws the notepad and pen to the floor.
“Why would I turn myself into a dog?”
“Well,” said Antonia it appears that you are turning into a rottweiler.”
“A rottweiler? Is it really that obvious? Noooo…I mean right on!” said Melissa. “I have fangs, big ugly sharp fangs.”
Antonia feels frightened. What has become of Melissa and where is Amy? Surely she would be here for her friend in need.
“Melissa,” said Antonia. “Where is Amy?”
“With Raul,” said Melissa. “Raul Raul, I want to eat Raul.”
“Noooo,” said Antonia. “That would be bad.”
Melissa eyes some chicken which was brought in previously by a disgruntled straight forward nurse, named Louie, also known as Melissa’s flatmate.
“Can I have that piece of chicken over there?” said Melissa.
“Sure sure,” said Antonia. She delicately takes a piece of chicken off the white plate that sits on the brown tray. She hands the piece of chicken over to Melissa.
Perhaps this will make her feel better, thought Antonia in Cantonese.
“Blech,” said Melissa. “Chicken meat, chicken, yuck, must have vegetables!””Oh no,” said Antonia. “This is very serious.”
This calls for a problem solver. And just like Melissa out smarted the evil murderous Chris, Antonia called the problem solvers network. She picks up the phone in hospital room.
She dials 1-800-I-NEED-HELP-RIGHT-NOW
The operator comes on.
“Welcome to problem solvers network. How can we help you?”
“If you want to solve a garbage problem, such as a plethora of serviettes and popsicle sticks press 937217, if you have a miscellaneous problem, such as a missing passport or you’re friend is changing into an animal press 2727262687, if you have a fat problem, such as an addiction to McDonalds press 7000 twelve times, if you have a love problem press one.”
Now Antonia knew it was a miscellaneous problem. And she remembered to write the obscenely long code down, by grabbing the previously discarded pen and notebook, distastefully banished by the writer… I mean Melissa the writer… I mean Melissa who is not the writer. She writes down 2727262687, and then pressed the buttons accordingly with the menu.
All the way across the Atlantic Ocean, all the way to Greenland a purple light flashes. A polar bear, not Frostbite, is sitting knitting (ironically enough)Frostbite a toque, which is a Canadian hat. He is surprised by the sudden flashing of the light.
“An actually problem? What am I going to do?” He picks up the phone promptly.
“Allo Allo,” said the polar bear, he has an Italian accent. “This is Gregorio Stupendo.”
“Hello this is Chris French, no sorry I am Antonia French,” said Antonia.
“How can I assist you today Antonia French?”
“My passport is missing due to a love sick friend and my Russian Canadian friend is turning into a dog.”
“What kind of dog?’
“A rottweiler.”
“How did this happen?”
“A talking rottweiler bit her then laughed evilly, then threw up because she made him sick. I think he may have been allergic.”
“Is his name Wild Will by any chance?”
“Yes yes you got it right,” said Antonia. “How did you know.”
“Lucky Guess.”
“Can you solve my problem?”
“Nope,” said Gregorio. “I haven’t solved a problem in my life.”
“Then what was the point of calling then?” said Antonia. She curses at him in Cantonese.
Meanwhile Melissa was starting to acquire similarities to a rottweiler. A box shaped head, shot black fur and a tanned underbelly.
“Look,” said Gregorio, “I don’t know Cantonese, but your free to curse at me in Mandarin if you want. You know what, I’ll patch you through to people I know can help.”
“Sure sure,” said Antonia.
Not far way, in the country of Canada, in the province of Quebec, in city of Montreal, a white light flashes. Joe picks up the phone.
“Hellloooo,” said Joe.
“Allo Allo,” said Gregorio. “I have a problem for you.”
“Why do I want another problem? I already have one, his name is Wild Will.
“Actually that is the problem,” said Gregorio.
“I knew it,” said Joe, “stupid beastly rottweiler.”
Wild Will, over hearing the conversation, looks at Joe.
“Shut up Joe,” said Wild Will, “or I will eat you.”
“OK I am transferring you over now,” said Gregorio.
“No wait,” said Joe. But before he could protest Antonia was now on the line.
“Hello,” said Antonia.
“Hello,” said Joe.
“Can you help me? My Russian Canadian Friend Melissa is turning into a rottweiler.”
“You’re friend is turning into a rottweiler?” said Joe.
“I don’t see a problem with that,’ said Wild Will.
“I do,” said Joe.
“The more the merrier,” said Wild Will. “Mwhahahahahaha!”
“John walks in the office after a disastrous date with a woman called Love… I mean Carma…Yes John went on a date with Carma, who will now be know as Carma.
“How did this happen?” Joe asked Antonia.
“Tell her it is not a problem,” said Wild Will. “Rottweilers are good.”
“Well of course you would say that. You are one,” said Joe.
“What’s going on?” said John.
“I’ve got a girl on the line that says her friend Melissa is turning into a rottweiler,” said Joe.
“Is she hot?” said Wild Will.
“Melissa?” said John. “Isn’t she that girl you bit in order to save her from her murderous flatmate Chris?”
“Yeah the one who should have dialled 000,” added Joe.
“Oh yeah,” said Wild Will. “This isn’t the first time this has happened.”
“Do you have an anecdote?” asked Joe.
“Noooo,” said Wild Will. “Let’s go and see the hot girl rottweiler.”
“How do you know she is hot?” said John.
“Never you mind,” said Wild Will, “or I will eat you.”
“Sure you will,” said John.
“Will be on are way dear sweet Antonia,’ said Joe. He hangs up the phone.
The quarrelsome trio leave before they start fighting…before they have dinner…before Joe looks for his missing…ah never mind.
Back in the hospital in little old Rockhampton Australia, Melissa has almost completely transformed into a rottweiler.
“Noooo,” said Antonia. “I don’t want Melissa to be dog.”
“Neither do I!” said Amy, I mean Amelia, not wait Aishwarya Patil Padama India or Appi for short, who now goes by Amy again.
“Amy?” said Antonia. “You’re here?”
“Yes I was watching the news, when I saw our Italian, Russian French house in bits. They said a crazy polar bear destroyed it,” said Amy. “Oh Antonia I was so scared. The doctors called me and told me I had to be put in quarantine because of Melissa’s mysterious condition.”
“Me too,” said Antonia.
“Wait aren’t you supposed to be in Hong Kong?” said Amy.
“Aren’t you supposed to be in Canberra?” said Antonia.
“Aren’t you supposed to be married to Raul, the clone of Yogi?” said Melissa.
“Ah, he melted,” said Amy. “He just had to stand in the sun and drink grape juice.”
“Kinwai hid my passport?” said Antonia.
“Oh no,” said Amy. “He hid it on you? I reckon he must really like you.”
“Hey look at me, I’m a dog now,” said Melissa.
“Where is Melissa?” said Amy.
“Right there,” said Antonia.
“Oh no,” said Amy. “Kinwai hid your passport. He must really like you.”
“Yes but,” said Antonia, “Melissa is a dog.”
“Melissa is a dog?” said Amy. “Nawh I reckon she should stop putting herself down.”
“No dog as in dog, not ugliness,” said Antonia.
“Put me down?” said Melissa. “Appi! You wouldn’t do that?”
“I changed it back to Amy. The lemonade Chris gave me disillusioned me,” said Amy. “It was terrible.”
“Oh no Chris,” said Antonia.
“The three girls, I mean two girls and the rottweiler look behind their backs still fearful of Chris and the previous incident.
“Relax he isn’t here,” said Amy. “It’s just the hospital beds and the diffibularators and the windows with a koala looking through it.”
“What is a diffibularator?” said Melissa.
“Ah koalas,” said Antonia happily. She jumps up and down. “They are so cute, cute, cute, cute. I love koalas.
A shadow appears behind the two girls, plus newly transformed rottweiler. Standing in the door way was John.
“Oh my, she is a rottweiler.”
“Is she hot?” said Wild Will.
“Uh yeah sure,” said John.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” said Melissa. “Are you saying I am ugly?”
“No I’m saying I don’t look at dogs that way,” said John. “It’s called bestiality.”
“Oh OK,” said Melissa.
“Haven’t we met before?” said Amy.
“Yeah,” said John. “Aishwarya Patil Padama India right?”
“No Amy,” said Amy. “I changed it back.”
Joe’s face is pressed against the window. He looks in. Ah Antonia, she is the most beautiful human I have ever seen.
“Oh no,” said Amy. “Kinwai hid your passport. I reckon he really likes you.”
“You’ve said that three times,” said Antonia.
“Yeah and you seem oblivious to the fact that your friend Melissa has turned into a rottweiler,” said John.
“Johnnnn,” said Wild Will. “Open the window. I want to see.”
“You’re not allowed in,” said John.
“Don’t argue, just do it.”
John sighs. He opens the window. Wild Will travels in with his jet pack. Joe climbs in and sits on the windowsill.
“Helloooo beautiful,” said Wild Will.
Melissa smiles her new dog smile. “Oh thank you,” she gushes.
“Not you,” said Wild Will, “Antonia.”
“Me?” said Antonia. She points at herself.
“Oh yeah, your friend Kinwai gave me your passport back. He told me to give it to you.”
“Oh,” said Antonia. “What a relief.”
“Yeah he would have brought it personally but he had an extremely hard time letting you go. I mean letting it go, the passport I mean,” said John.
Antonia inspects her passport. It appears to be intact and in fact her actual passport.
Silence ensues, six eyes on six, Amy, Antonia and Melissa versus John, Joe and Wild Will. All of a sudden music can be heard.
“La la la la la la,” a dog like creature sings. “Loo loo loo loo loo.”
“What he heck is that?’ said Amy.
“Koalaroos!” said Joe. “’They have come to sing for you, Antonia.”
“The twelve dozen singing koalroos?” said John.
Wild Will sighs, “What are those morons doing here?”
“Oh oh oh,” said Antonia. “Koalaroos! So cute cute cute.”
“Ah that’s right,” said Wild Will. “They look like deformed rats.”
“Hey! Those are my kids you’re talking about,” said Joe.
“So,” said John. “How are we going to solve Melissa’s problem?”
“Marry her and make rottweiler babies with her,” said Wild Will. “Melissa I was so over come with you when I first met you at the Italian Russian French house.
“You’re sick Wild Will!” said Joe.
“And you have insert: explicit word here,” said Wild Will.
“Do too,” said Joe. “Oh no my insert: explicit word here are gone.”
“Ah, should we blame this on the writer?” said John.
Melissa the rottweiler is standing over a notepad with a pen.
“What! I’m not the writer.” She pees on the notebook and burros it under the pillows like a dog would. “Why would the writer do such a mean thing to Joe?”
“Awh,” said Amy. “Kinwai hid your passport so you couldn’t leave its so romantic Antonia.”
“You’ve already said that,” said Wild Will. “I think I am going to eat you.”
“Noooo,” said Melissa. “Don’t eat my friend. I’m taken with you as well. Since I invented you, I mean met you at the old Italian Russian French house.”
“Really?” said Wild Will.
“Really?” said Antonia.
“Really,” said Amy. “Kinwai hid your passport.”
Everyone looks at Amy.
“Amy,” said Antonia. “John made Kinwai give me my passport back.”
“Wait! You know Kinwai?” said Melissa.
“Yeah we know Kinwai,” said Wild Will. “He called with a love problem a couple of months ago.”
“I didn’t make him give it back to you,” said John. “I told him that he should wait till he went back to Hong Kong.”
“That friendship is just as wonderful and beautiful,” said Joe.
“Urgh…I hate sentimental crap,” said Wild Will. “I told him to give up and find some other girl mwhahahahahaha!”
“Wild Will I love you,” said Melissa.
“I do too Melissa,” said Wild Will. “If you wasn’t for you writing about me I wouldn’t be here.”
The notepad slips off the bed. The pen rolls across the floor.
“What?” said Melissa. “I’m not the writer, nor did I create you.”
“Then what is the meaning of this madness?” said John. “Why does Wild Will talk? Why is Joe preoccupied with his you know what? Why am I 7’3?’
“Genetics?” said Melissa. “Wild Will you’re my cult figure.”
“Hey I said that!” said Amy.
“Shut up!” said Melissa. “Wild Will is my imaginary dog hero.”
“Imaginary?” said Wild Will. He licks himself, looks in the mirror across the room. I am not imaginary he thought.
“No worries Wild Will, that is rule 10 of the A.E.S.M statement of principles,” said Melissa. “Imaginary means make believe and since you are made and believed you’re not imaginary.”
“Oh I get it. I think therefore I exist,” said Wild Will.
“I guess,” said Melissa.
“What the?” said Joe.
“Right,” said John.
“Joe is copying Rove McManus,” said Amy.
“Rove McManus,” said Wild Will. “Sounds like a TV host. I eat TV hosts.”
“Maybe because he is one,” said Melissa. “And it would be appreciated it you ate him or at least threatened too or had John stomp on him, since he is just a little guy.”
“How the insert:explicit word here are we supposed to know he is,” said Wild Will. “We’re from Canada.”
“So I am,” said Melissa. “I just happen to be able to watch Australian Television, due to the fact that I am going crazy from studying here and spending obscene amounts of money. What else am I supposed to do on a Tuesday night?”
“Stomp on who?” said John. “Joe or Rove McManus.”
“Rove you idiot,” said Joe.
“Well you said little guy,” said John. By the way, what do I sound like? What do I look like?” said John.
“Leave that to the reader,” said Melissa.
Awkward silence… “Lee lee lee lee lee,” sing the koalaroos.
Amy has an epiphany Melissa is the writer, she is just too stubborn to admit it. This explains why she and Antonia are acting out of character. This must be a Antonia story it’s free of swears.
“Oh my goodness,” said Amy. “This is all figments of Melissa’s imagination? And Antonia really hasn’t lost her passport and she is really in Hong Kong and I am in Canberra free from boring old Rocky? And Melissa is all by herself writing utterly bizarre stories about Antonia, Chris and I.”
“Noooo,” said Melissa. “I’m not the writer.” She eats the note book and pen. Blue ink runs down her face.
A moment of silence passes and yet again six eyes on six, you know the drill.
“La la la la la la la la,” sing the koalaroos.
“Amy,” said Antonia. “I have my passport.” She shows Amy her passport. Amy grabs it and runs.
“Ahahahaha, now you can never leave,” said Amy. “You’ll never catch me. I am the gingerbread man I mean gingerbread woman or should I be politically correct and say gingerbread person.”
“Oh no,” said Antonia. “My passport!”
Melissa runs after Amy and snatches Antonia’s passport just before Amy was out of sight.
“Here you go Antonia,” said Melissa. She has the passport in her mouth. It was covered in dog drool, pen ink and Amy’s tears. Poor Amy!
“Oh thank you Melissa,” said Antonia. “You are so sweet.”
Antonia goes to grab it. Melissa backs up.
“Wait Antonia,” said Melissa. “If you want your passport back you have to A: keep in contact with Kinwai and all of your A.E.S.M friends and B: you have to take Joe with you.”
“OK sure,” said Antonia. “Why do I have to take Joe?”
“Because he annoys her sweet, lovey dovey rotty love doggy smoo,” said John. “Joe accent sucks.”
They all look at John.
“I mean I get to have Joe. He is so cute cute cute. I love his little Australian accent,” said Antonia.
“That’s basically it, without all the romantic stuff,” said Melissa. “Oh yeah it’s not Joe’s fault that he sounds like Rove McManus. It’s the writer and creator, which I am not.”
“Rove McManus, why do I have sound like him?” said Joe.
“Didn’t I just why?” said Melissa. “If you don’t smarten up I will un create you and write a billion Wild Will stories without you, if I were the writer that is.”
“What you’re pawning me off?” said Joe. “Oh yeah, you’re obsessed with Rove aren’t you?”
“Yep!” said Melissa. “Besides Antonia will be nicer too you…no more stupid problems…no more jokes about your masculinity…your choice in species…no more Australian television.”
“What if my friends don’t want me to go,” said Joe.
“What friends?” said Wild Will.
“Good bye Joe,” said John.
“Traitors!” said Joe.
Melissa lets Antonia have her passport. Antonia scoops up Joe from the windowsill.
“Now I have a souvenir,” said Antonia. And she walks out of the room Joe struggling the whole way.
“Nooooo!” said Joe. “I am being koalanaped and I sound like Rove McManus.”
“What’s your problem Joe? It was written about ten million paragraphs ago that you thought Antonia was the most beautiful human you have ever seen,” said Melissa. “And you had your annoying koalaroos sing for her.”

"Say hello to your mum for me!" Joes screams as he is being dragged down the hallway.
“How’s she going to get him on the plane?” asked John changing the subject. “What do I sound like? What look like?”
“Don’t know, don’t care,” said Melissa. “Don't you know what you look like? C’mon Wild Will, lets boogie.”
“Yes Melissa,” said Wild Will, “lets.”
The two rottweilers trot off.
“Who do I sound like?” said Wild Will.
“Don Cherry,” said Melissa.
“Don Cherry,” said Wild Will. “Right on!” Wild Will is happy, he sounds like the famous CBC sports guy, on Hockey Night In Canada.
“La la la la la la la la,” sing the koalaroos.
John stands there, puzzled. “Wait! Don’t leave without me,” said John. “Curse you Melissa you stole my friend.”
Dr Harrison walks in the hospital room. He looks in with curiosity.
“Where are Melissa and that beautiful Chinese French girl Antonia?”
Too bad he thought I had the anecdote. It is pen ink.
“La la la, loo loo loo, lee lee lee,” sing the koalaroos. “Theeeee ennnnddd. La la la”

© Melissa Canadian 2006 All rights reserved.