The story that no one will understand unless you are Amy or Chris or Antonia or Me or Wild Will... Part 3

Antonia French and the 12 Dozen Singing Koalaroos
(You’re so Antonia I bet you think this story is about you.)

The sirens blare, the ambulance races down the street. Melissa lies on the bed. She was bit by a psycho, rabid, demented, talking dog rottweiler.
“Owe, my leg,” said Melissa. “Her right leg was swollen and bleeding from the evil Wild Will.
Antonia looks after Melissa, but she is more concerned about her passport and the fact she may have drank Chris’s poison lemonade.
They arrive at the hospital. The doctors were puzzled by Melissa’s condition. She was starting to grow fur and threatening to eat people.
Dr. Harrison the smartest doctor present, decided that she should stay overnight for observation, while he met with other doctors to discuss her condition. It was also arranged that security made sure that evil dread journalists, who are about as trusted as used car sales men, didn’t find out.
While the doctors cared for Melissa, Antonia calls Kinwai and berates him for stealing her passport.
“Oh c’mon Antonia it’s only because I love,” said Kinwai on the phone.
They start to shout at each other in Cantonese, while confused people in the outpatients look on curiously. After much debate Kinwai agreed to give Antonia her passport back.

Antonia decides to visit Melissa while she waits, which she thinks will be forever, this is because Antonia has had contact with Melissa that they are now in quarantine, due to the fact that Melissa just, like a werewolf would is changing into not only a dog, but a rottweiler. So actually she never had a choice in the matter.
They sit together in silence. Melissa is lying on the hospital bed, while Antonia sits in the grey hospital chair beside her.
“Curse you Wild Will,” said Antonia. “You have brought great pain on my friend.”
“Whoo! Look I have a tail,” said Melissa. “And it wags. Yay!”
“Why?” said Antonia. “Why must my friend turn into a dog?”
“Because the writer wants her too,” said Melissa.
Melissa is holding a notepad and pen. Antonia looks at her and tilts her head in confusion.
“What?” I’m not the writer,” said Melissa. She throws the notepad and pen to the floor.
“Why would I turn myself into a dog?”
“Well,” said Antonia it appears that you are turning into a rottweiler.”
“A rottweiler? Is it really that obvious? Noooo…I mean right on!” said Melissa. “I have fangs, big ugly sharp fangs.”
Antonia feels frightened. What has become of Melissa and where is Amy? Surely she would be here for her friend in need.
“Melissa,” said Antonia. “Where is Amy?”
“With Raul,” said Melissa. “Raul Raul, I want to eat Raul.”
“Noooo,” said Antonia. “That would be bad.”
Melissa eyes some chicken which was brought in previously by a disgruntled straight forward nurse, named Louie, also known as Melissa’s flatmate.
“Can I have that piece of chicken over there?” said Melissa.
“Sure sure,” said Antonia. She delicately takes a piece of chicken off the white plate that sits on the brown tray. She hands the piece of chicken over to Melissa.
Perhaps this will make her feel better, thought Antonia in Cantonese.
“Blech,” said Melissa. “Chicken meat, chicken, yuck, must have vegetables!””Oh no,” said Antonia. “This is very serious.”
This calls for a problem solver. And just like Melissa out smarted the evil murderous Chris, Antonia called the problem solvers network. She picks up the phone in hospital room.
She dials 1-800-I-NEED-HELP-RIGHT-NOW
The operator comes on.
“Welcome to problem solvers network. How can we help you?”
“If you want to solve a garbage problem, such as a plethora of serviettes and popsicle sticks press 937217, if you have a miscellaneous problem, such as a missing passport or you’re friend is changing into an animal press 2727262687, if you have a fat problem, such as an addiction to McDonalds press 7000 twelve times, if you have a love problem press one.”
Now Antonia knew it was a miscellaneous problem. And she remembered to write the obscenely long code down, by grabbing the previously discarded pen and notebook, distastefully banished by the writer… I mean Melissa the writer… I mean Melissa who is not the writer. She writes down 2727262687, and then pressed the buttons accordingly with the menu.
All the way across the Atlantic Ocean, all the way to Greenland a purple light flashes. A polar bear, not Frostbite, is sitting knitting (ironically enough)Frostbite a toque, which is a Canadian hat. He is surprised by the sudden flashing of the light.
“An actually problem? What am I going to do?” He picks up the phone promptly.
“Allo Allo,” said the polar bear, he has an Italian accent. “This is Gregorio Stupendo.”
“Hello this is Chris French, no sorry I am Antonia French,” said Antonia.
“How can I assist you today Antonia French?”
“My passport is missing due to a love sick friend and my Russian Canadian friend is turning into a dog.”
“What kind of dog?’
“A rottweiler.”
“How did this happen?”
“A talking rottweiler bit her then laughed evilly, then threw up because she made him sick. I think he may have been allergic.”
“Is his name Wild Will by any chance?”
“Yes yes you got it right,” said Antonia. “How did you know.”
“Lucky Guess.”
“Can you solve my problem?”
“Nope,” said Gregorio. “I haven’t solved a problem in my life.”
“Then what was the point of calling then?” said Antonia. She curses at him in Cantonese.
Meanwhile Melissa was starting to acquire similarities to a rottweiler. A box shaped head, shot black fur and a tanned underbelly.
“Look,” said Gregorio, “I don’t know Cantonese, but your free to curse at me in Mandarin if you want. You know what, I’ll patch you through to people I know can help.”
“Sure sure,” said Antonia.
Not far way, in the country of Canada, in the province of Quebec, in city of Montreal, a white light flashes. Joe picks up the phone.
“Hellloooo,” said Joe.
“Allo Allo,” said Gregorio. “I have a problem for you.”
“Why do I want another problem? I already have one, his name is Wild Will.
“Actually that is the problem,” said Gregorio.
“I knew it,” said Joe, “stupid beastly rottweiler.”
Wild Will, over hearing the conversation, looks at Joe.
“Shut up Joe,” said Wild Will, “or I will eat you.”
“OK I am transferring you over now,” said Gregorio.
“No wait,” said Joe. But before he could protest Antonia was now on the line.
“Hello,” said Antonia.
“Hello,” said Joe.
“Can you help me? My Russian Canadian Friend Melissa is turning into a rottweiler.”
“You’re friend is turning into a rottweiler?” said Joe.
“I don’t see a problem with that,’ said Wild Will.
“I do,” said Joe.
“The more the merrier,” said Wild Will. “Mwhahahahahaha!”
“John walks in the office after a disastrous date with a woman called Love… I mean Carma…Yes John went on a date with Carma, who will now be know as Carma.
“How did this happen?” Joe asked Antonia.
“Tell her it is not a problem,” said Wild Will. “Rottweilers are good.”
“Well of course you would say that. You are one,” said Joe.
“What’s going on?” said John.
“I’ve got a girl on the line that says her friend Melissa is turning into a rottweiler,” said Joe.
“Is she hot?” said Wild Will.
“Melissa?” said John. “Isn’t she that girl you bit in order to save her from her murderous flatmate Chris?”
“Yeah the one who should have dialled 000,” added Joe.
“Oh yeah,” said Wild Will. “This isn’t the first time this has happened.”
“Do you have an anecdote?” asked Joe.
“Noooo,” said Wild Will. “Let’s go and see the hot girl rottweiler.”
“How do you know she is hot?” said John.
“Never you mind,” said Wild Will, “or I will eat you.”
“Sure you will,” said John.
“Will be on are way dear sweet Antonia,’ said Joe. He hangs up the phone.
The quarrelsome trio leave before they start fighting…before they have dinner…before Joe looks for his missing…ah never mind.
Back in the hospital in little old Rockhampton Australia, Melissa has almost completely transformed into a rottweiler.
“Noooo,” said Antonia. “I don’t want Melissa to be dog.”
“Neither do I!” said Amy, I mean Amelia, not wait Aishwarya Patil Padama India or Appi for short, who now goes by Amy again.
“Amy?” said Antonia. “You’re here?”
“Yes I was watching the news, when I saw our Italian, Russian French house in bits. They said a crazy polar bear destroyed it,” said Amy. “Oh Antonia I was so scared. The doctors called me and told me I had to be put in quarantine because of Melissa’s mysterious condition.”
“Me too,” said Antonia.
“Wait aren’t you supposed to be in Hong Kong?” said Amy.
“Aren’t you supposed to be in Canberra?” said Antonia.
“Aren’t you supposed to be married to Raul, the clone of Yogi?” said Melissa.
“Ah, he melted,” said Amy. “He just had to stand in the sun and drink grape juice.”
“Kinwai hid my passport?” said Antonia.
“Oh no,” said Amy. “He hid it on you? I reckon he must really like you.”
“Hey look at me, I’m a dog now,” said Melissa.
“Where is Melissa?” said Amy.
“Right there,” said Antonia.
“Oh no,” said Amy. “Kinwai hid your passport. He must really like you.”
“Yes but,” said Antonia, “Melissa is a dog.”
“Melissa is a dog?” said Amy. “Nawh I reckon she should stop putting herself down.”
“No dog as in dog, not ugliness,” said Antonia.
“Put me down?” said Melissa. “Appi! You wouldn’t do that?”
“I changed it back to Amy. The lemonade Chris gave me disillusioned me,” said Amy. “It was terrible.”
“Oh no Chris,” said Antonia.
“The three girls, I mean two girls and the rottweiler look behind their backs still fearful of Chris and the previous incident.
“Relax he isn’t here,” said Amy. “It’s just the hospital beds and the diffibularators and the windows with a koala looking through it.”
“What is a diffibularator?” said Melissa.
“Ah koalas,” said Antonia happily. She jumps up and down. “They are so cute, cute, cute, cute. I love koalas.
A shadow appears behind the two girls, plus newly transformed rottweiler. Standing in the door way was John.
“Oh my, she is a rottweiler.”
“Is she hot?” said Wild Will.
“Uh yeah sure,” said John.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” said Melissa. “Are you saying I am ugly?”
“No I’m saying I don’t look at dogs that way,” said John. “It’s called bestiality.”
“Oh OK,” said Melissa.
“Haven’t we met before?” said Amy.
“Yeah,” said John. “Aishwarya Patil Padama India right?”
“No Amy,” said Amy. “I changed it back.”
Joe’s face is pressed against the window. He looks in. Ah Antonia, she is the most beautiful human I have ever seen.
“Oh no,” said Amy. “Kinwai hid your passport. I reckon he really likes you.”
“You’ve said that three times,” said Antonia.
“Yeah and you seem oblivious to the fact that your friend Melissa has turned into a rottweiler,” said John.
“Johnnnn,” said Wild Will. “Open the window. I want to see.”
“You’re not allowed in,” said John.
“Don’t argue, just do it.”
John sighs. He opens the window. Wild Will travels in with his jet pack. Joe climbs in and sits on the windowsill.
“Helloooo beautiful,” said Wild Will.
Melissa smiles her new dog smile. “Oh thank you,” she gushes.
“Not you,” said Wild Will, “Antonia.”
“Me?” said Antonia. She points at herself.
“Oh yeah, your friend Kinwai gave me your passport back. He told me to give it to you.”
“Oh,” said Antonia. “What a relief.”
“Yeah he would have brought it personally but he had an extremely hard time letting you go. I mean letting it go, the passport I mean,” said John.
Antonia inspects her passport. It appears to be intact and in fact her actual passport.
Silence ensues, six eyes on six, Amy, Antonia and Melissa versus John, Joe and Wild Will. All of a sudden music can be heard.
“La la la la la la,” a dog like creature sings. “Loo loo loo loo loo.”
“What he heck is that?’ said Amy.
“Koalaroos!” said Joe. “’They have come to sing for you, Antonia.”
“The twelve dozen singing koalroos?” said John.
Wild Will sighs, “What are those morons doing here?”
“Oh oh oh,” said Antonia. “Koalaroos! So cute cute cute.”
“Ah that’s right,” said Wild Will. “They look like deformed rats.”
“Hey! Those are my kids you’re talking about,” said Joe.
“So,” said John. “How are we going to solve Melissa’s problem?”
“Marry her and make rottweiler babies with her,” said Wild Will. “Melissa I was so over come with you when I first met you at the Italian Russian French house.
“You’re sick Wild Will!” said Joe.
“And you have insert: explicit word here,” said Wild Will.
“Do too,” said Joe. “Oh no my insert: explicit word here are gone.”
“Ah, should we blame this on the writer?” said John.
Melissa the rottweiler is standing over a notepad with a pen.
“What! I’m not the writer.” She pees on the notebook and burros it under the pillows like a dog would. “Why would the writer do such a mean thing to Joe?”
“Awh,” said Amy. “Kinwai hid your passport so you couldn’t leave its so romantic Antonia.”
“You’ve already said that,” said Wild Will. “I think I am going to eat you.”
“Noooo,” said Melissa. “Don’t eat my friend. I’m taken with you as well. Since I invented you, I mean met you at the old Italian Russian French house.”
“Really?” said Wild Will.
“Really?” said Antonia.
“Really,” said Amy. “Kinwai hid your passport.”
Everyone looks at Amy.
“Amy,” said Antonia. “John made Kinwai give me my passport back.”
“Wait! You know Kinwai?” said Melissa.
“Yeah we know Kinwai,” said Wild Will. “He called with a love problem a couple of months ago.”
“I didn’t make him give it back to you,” said John. “I told him that he should wait till he went back to Hong Kong.”
“That friendship is just as wonderful and beautiful,” said Joe.
“Urgh…I hate sentimental crap,” said Wild Will. “I told him to give up and find some other girl mwhahahahahaha!”
“Wild Will I love you,” said Melissa.
“I do too Melissa,” said Wild Will. “If you wasn’t for you writing about me I wouldn’t be here.”
The notepad slips off the bed. The pen rolls across the floor.
“What?” said Melissa. “I’m not the writer, nor did I create you.”
“Then what is the meaning of this madness?” said John. “Why does Wild Will talk? Why is Joe preoccupied with his you know what? Why am I 7’3?’
“Genetics?” said Melissa. “Wild Will you’re my cult figure.”
“Hey I said that!” said Amy.
“Shut up!” said Melissa. “Wild Will is my imaginary dog hero.”
“Imaginary?” said Wild Will. He licks himself, looks in the mirror across the room. I am not imaginary he thought.
“No worries Wild Will, that is rule 10 of the A.E.S.M statement of principles,” said Melissa. “Imaginary means make believe and since you are made and believed you’re not imaginary.”
“Oh I get it. I think therefore I exist,” said Wild Will.
“I guess,” said Melissa.
“What the?” said Joe.
“Right,” said John.
“Joe is copying Rove McManus,” said Amy.
“Rove McManus,” said Wild Will. “Sounds like a TV host. I eat TV hosts.”
“Maybe because he is one,” said Melissa. “And it would be appreciated it you ate him or at least threatened too or had John stomp on him, since he is just a little guy.”
“How the insert:explicit word here are we supposed to know he is,” said Wild Will. “We’re from Canada.”
“So I am,” said Melissa. “I just happen to be able to watch Australian Television, due to the fact that I am going crazy from studying here and spending obscene amounts of money. What else am I supposed to do on a Tuesday night?”
“Stomp on who?” said John. “Joe or Rove McManus.”
“Rove you idiot,” said Joe.
“Well you said little guy,” said John. By the way, what do I sound like? What do I look like?” said John.
“Leave that to the reader,” said Melissa.
Awkward silence… “Lee lee lee lee lee,” sing the koalaroos.
Amy has an epiphany Melissa is the writer, she is just too stubborn to admit it. This explains why she and Antonia are acting out of character. This must be a Antonia story it’s free of swears.
“Oh my goodness,” said Amy. “This is all figments of Melissa’s imagination? And Antonia really hasn’t lost her passport and she is really in Hong Kong and I am in Canberra free from boring old Rocky? And Melissa is all by herself writing utterly bizarre stories about Antonia, Chris and I.”
“Noooo,” said Melissa. “I’m not the writer.” She eats the note book and pen. Blue ink runs down her face.
A moment of silence passes and yet again six eyes on six, you know the drill.
“La la la la la la la la,” sing the koalaroos.
“Amy,” said Antonia. “I have my passport.” She shows Amy her passport. Amy grabs it and runs.
“Ahahahaha, now you can never leave,” said Amy. “You’ll never catch me. I am the gingerbread man I mean gingerbread woman or should I be politically correct and say gingerbread person.”
“Oh no,” said Antonia. “My passport!”
Melissa runs after Amy and snatches Antonia’s passport just before Amy was out of sight.
“Here you go Antonia,” said Melissa. She has the passport in her mouth. It was covered in dog drool, pen ink and Amy’s tears. Poor Amy!
“Oh thank you Melissa,” said Antonia. “You are so sweet.”
Antonia goes to grab it. Melissa backs up.
“Wait Antonia,” said Melissa. “If you want your passport back you have to A: keep in contact with Kinwai and all of your A.E.S.M friends and B: you have to take Joe with you.”
“OK sure,” said Antonia. “Why do I have to take Joe?”
“Because he annoys her sweet, lovey dovey rotty love doggy smoo,” said John. “Joe accent sucks.”
They all look at John.
“I mean I get to have Joe. He is so cute cute cute. I love his little Australian accent,” said Antonia.
“That’s basically it, without all the romantic stuff,” said Melissa. “Oh yeah it’s not Joe’s fault that he sounds like Rove McManus. It’s the writer and creator, which I am not.”
“Rove McManus, why do I have sound like him?” said Joe.
“Didn’t I just why?” said Melissa. “If you don’t smarten up I will un create you and write a billion Wild Will stories without you, if I were the writer that is.”
“What you’re pawning me off?” said Joe. “Oh yeah, you’re obsessed with Rove aren’t you?”
“Yep!” said Melissa. “Besides Antonia will be nicer too you…no more stupid problems…no more jokes about your masculinity…your choice in species…no more Australian television.”
“What if my friends don’t want me to go,” said Joe.
“What friends?” said Wild Will.
“Good bye Joe,” said John.
“Traitors!” said Joe.
Melissa lets Antonia have her passport. Antonia scoops up Joe from the windowsill.
“Now I have a souvenir,” said Antonia. And she walks out of the room Joe struggling the whole way.
“Nooooo!” said Joe. “I am being koalanaped and I sound like Rove McManus.”
“What’s your problem Joe? It was written about ten million paragraphs ago that you thought Antonia was the most beautiful human you have ever seen,” said Melissa. “And you had your annoying koalaroos sing for her.”

"Say hello to your mum for me!" Joes screams as he is being dragged down the hallway.
“How’s she going to get him on the plane?” asked John changing the subject. “What do I sound like? What look like?”
“Don’t know, don’t care,” said Melissa. “Don't you know what you look like? C’mon Wild Will, lets boogie.”
“Yes Melissa,” said Wild Will, “lets.”
The two rottweilers trot off.
“Who do I sound like?” said Wild Will.
“Don Cherry,” said Melissa.
“Don Cherry,” said Wild Will. “Right on!” Wild Will is happy, he sounds like the famous CBC sports guy, on Hockey Night In Canada.
“La la la la la la la la,” sing the koalaroos.
John stands there, puzzled. “Wait! Don’t leave without me,” said John. “Curse you Melissa you stole my friend.”
Dr Harrison walks in the hospital room. He looks in with curiosity.
“Where are Melissa and that beautiful Chinese French girl Antonia?”
Too bad he thought I had the anecdote. It is pen ink.
“La la la, loo loo loo, lee lee lee,” sing the koalaroos. “Theeeee ennnnddd. La la la”

© Melissa Canadian 2006 All rights reserved.