A story you wouldn't get even if you were a doo doo head...

Sorry about the absense...I have been busy with university but now that its done for the year I have time for more stories. Yay! I finally finished this one. Its a prelude to another that I am writing. This story sees the absense of Adventure Joe...he comes back in the next part and the addtion of a character called Carol.

A Multimedia of Problems Part 1: The created turns on the creator

It was a rainy morning. The grey overcast looms above. Melissa the writer… I mean bike rider is on her way to work as a Russian linguistic specialist as she is Russian Canadian, but actually she was working at a subs and sushi joint and would have rather stayed home and watched television all day. She feels rather energetic due to the enormous hill she has come across. Melissa loses her breath, her energy subsides. She determines she has a fat problem. This calls for a problem solver.
She dials 1-800-I-NEED-HELP-RIGHT-NOW
The operator comes on.
“Welcome to problem solvers network. How can we help you?”
“If you want to solve a garbage problem, such as collecting pop cans in hopes to go to South Australia press 90090027, if you have a miscellaneous problem, such as an eccentric friend who attempts to kill people, press 2727262697 , if you have a fat problem, such as a love of sweets and lollies press 7000 12 times, if you have a love problem press one.”
Now it was previously mentioned that Melissa had a fat problem, so she does attempt to dial 7000 12 times, but loses count after four tries. So she redials the number and presses one.
All the way across the Pacific Ocean, all the way to Montréal a pink light flashes, signifying a love problem. A new secretary named Rosie, the French Poodle answers the phone.
“Allo, velcome tu ze problem solverrrs office of William.”
“For the last time,” said an ominous rottweiler. “Its Wild Will. You’re fired.”
“He will be right with you,” said Rosie “Hold please.” She glares at Wild Will. “You only fire me because I am French.”
“What? I live in Montréal the most French city in Canada,” said Wild Will. “You see that plant over there that’s a French Lilly and I’ve been to an Italian, Russian, French house.”
“That’s actually a Queenslander,” added John.
Wild Will looks at John. “What’s the matter John?”
“I miss Joe,” John cried.
“Fine,” It appears that the problem is in Australia, so will find another ball-less koala and name him Captain Bottle pop Chris,” said Wild Will. “And he will hunt down Chris and agree with everything I say and make salad for me.”
“Or you will eat him,” said John.
“Yes, yes, I will, as long as he is made of carrots and celery and broccoli,” Wild Will added. “By the way Rosie, I’m firing you because you can’t get my name right.”
“And you’re not actually French,” said John. “You’re for Redneck Alberta.”
“I was born in Alberta,” said Wild Will. “Just because they’re a little conservative you have to label them as rednecks.”
“I’m from British Columbia,” said Rosie, “from a French community in New Westminster.”
“John, you get a cannon and I’ll take a gander at this ‘love problem’,” said Wild Will.
“A cannon?” said Rosie.
“Yes a cannon,” said John. “You are being fired in the literal sense, straight for the sun.”
Wild Will looks at John you’re a strange human he thought, an iucking fidiot. Wild Will answers the phone.
“Sorry that I kept you waiting, NOT!” said Wild Will. “Now what do you want?”
“Umm… I have a problem and it’s a love problem,” said Melissa.
“Good,” said Wild Will. “What is it? Wait! Your voice sounds familiar.”
“No it doesn’t. It sounds completely unfamiliar,” Melissa replied.
“Hmmm…are you sure?” said Wild Will.
“Yes,” said Melissa. “Anyways my problem is I am in love with this guy named Multimedia Guy and I can’t move my bike up this incredibly long gigantic elephantine hill because of it.”
“What?” said Wild Will. “It sounds like a fat problem in disguise of a love problem.”
“Right, well…I need help up a hill,” said Melissa.
“And where is this hill?” said Wild Will.
“Umm…it’s the same hill Jack and Jill fell down while being chased by Ruthless Roy.”
“Justin and Joan?” said Wild Will. “I knew it was you Melissa, unfamiliar my ass.”
“Well can you freaking help me or not?” said Melissa.
“Well we have to get a new Koala for John,” said Wild Will. “So we might as well come and see what we can do.”
“Look I’m using valuable time here,” said Melissa.
“I said we were coming you bum dancing lesbian firefighter,” said Wild Will.
“What?” said Melissa. “Amy is the bum dancing lesbian firefighter, but she is actually a journalist in Canberra.”
“Yeah well, I’m the lead character, so I can say what ever I want,” said Wild Will.
“Says who?” said Melissa.
“The writer,” said Wild Will.
“No I didn’t,” said Melissa. “I mean I’m not the writer.”
“Yes you did,” said Wild Will.
Melissa sighs. “Fine Wild Will have it your way.”
Boom! A loud explosion can be heard.
“What was that?” said Melissa.
“Oh it’s just John firing our new secretary Rosie,” said Wild Will, “out of a cannon.”
“Oh dear God,” said Melissa. “Why would you do that?”
“You should know writer,” said Wild Will. “I mean Mommy...he he.”
Wild Will hangs up the phone, grinning happily firings of staff made him unusually cheerful. It was the satisfaction of being in charge or perhaps it was the loud boom.
“Come on John, we have a problem to solve,” said Wild Will cheerfully.
“What?” said John. His face was black from smoke. He was deaf from the loud boom.
“Damn it John, I told you to wear ear plugs you iucking fidiot,” he trots off.
“What?” said John.
Wild Will writes a message for by the use of paw paints as he is a dog and cannot use a pen. The sign says. “JOHN TIME TO GO SOLVE A PROBLEM.”
John gives a thumbs up, signifying he understood.
John takes out his ear plugs. He flicks them at Wild Will.
“Damn it John!” said Wild Will. “I went through all that trouble for nothing?”
“Yep!” said John. “I did wear my ear plugs. Who’s the iucking fidiot now?”
“Well it appears I am,” said Wild Will. “Therefore I am going eat you, rip out your heart and fire everyone you love out of a cannon.”
“That was unneeded and mean,” said John. “Its like saying I’m going to make glue out of your massively evil rottweiler paws.”
“Yes, well you won’t because I will have eaten you,” said Wild Will.
“So what are you not a vegetarian now?” John asked.
“Shut up!” Wild Will shouted. “We will discuss this later at a time that is inconvenient for you, but first we have to solve another problem.”
“Fine!” said John.
The giant monstrosity know as John and the ridiculous rabid rottweiler a.k.a. Wild Will walk to the silver platform, strap on their jet packs and blast off.
Meanwhile, Melissa waits patiently at the bottom of the hill. It looms before her taunting her. “Ah ha I’m a big hill,” it says to Melissa while she ponders how she will mount it and be rid of the evil height and exasperation of travelling up it.
All of a sudden, John and Wild Will land beside her. They stand beside her silently.
“What’s a matter writer, I mean Melissa?” said Wild Will.
“I don’t have enough energy to make it up the hill. I think its because I’m fat!” Melissa replied.
“You’re not fat!” said John. “That’s fat!” He points to a short brunette girl in the shape of a barrel.
“What?” said the girl. “Melissa! What did I tell you about bringing me into your stories? I told you I was too fat to fit into them!”
“Oh hello Carol…I mean Melora,” said Melissa.
“What?” said John. “Are you making fun of people who are gravity, weight proportionately challenged?”
“You mean making fun of fat people?” said Wild Will.
Carol stands across the hill. She glares at Melissa in discontent.
“Melissa, I thought you were my friend. I think you should stop making fun of my fat!”
“But, Carol I wasn’t,” said Melissa.
“Unless I’m going to be a waitress character I see no point in you writing me in,” said Carol.
“Ummm….what? I’m not the writer!” Melissa throws her notebook it hits Carol in the arm.
“Owe,” Carol cried. “I thought this would get sucked into my fat, but it bounced off of it instead.” She picks up the notebook and begins to read it. “Oh I see your plans for this story,” Carol stated. “In this case I should not be offended.” She eats the notebook and belches. Carol walks off towards the service station.
“That was weird,” said John.
“Soooo Melissa about this hill,” said Wild Will. “I have a plan I will chase you up the hill in fear of me Wild Will because I am evil and I want to eat you.”
“But, Wild Will,” said Melissa. “You’re a vegetarian.”
“Yes but put that thought aside,” said John.
“Or how about you remember the time my bite turned you into a rottweiler,” said Wild Will
“What was the anecdote anyways?” said John.
“Pen ink,” said Melissa.
“That’s it?” said John.
“What do you mean?” said Melissa.
“I don’t know I thought that since your stories are so bizarre and complicated that you would have a more complicated anecdote,” said John.
“Shut up! I’m not the writer!” said Melissa.
“Umm… Melissa,” said John. “We know you’re the writer, but you can be assured we won’t tell anyone.”
“Right John,” said Wild Will. “Not tell anyone.” He grins evilly.
“OK How about you race John on that there tricycle over there,” said Wild Will.
“What?” said John. “That’s insane.”
“hmmm that’s scary,” said Melissa. “And it’s also a challenge. OK I’ll give it a whirl.”
“How exactly is this supposed to help?” said John.
“Well…” said Wild Will. “Melissa will be so ashamed of losing that I will be able to chase her like I first suggested.”
2001 A Space Odyssey music plays. A elephantine man on a red and white tricycle looms up the hill, followed by a girl on a green and white bike.
“What?” said Wild Will. “John actually beat you?”
Without any warning Wild Will chased Melissa up the hill.
“Squish!” Wild Will got a hold of Melissa’s bike tire. Air gushes out.
“Melissa, you’re supposed to ride away,” said Wild Will.
“I’m not scared enough too,” she replied.
John falls over on the tricycle. He crushes Melissa’s bike.
“Ah ha ha! You broke my bike. How am I supposed to get to work now?” Melissa whined.
“Ummm…your own two feet fat ass!” said Wild Will. “Mwhahahahahaha!”
“Great I could have just got the tire fixed but now my bike is butch. Thanks for not helping me,” said Melissa. She storms off.
“Melissa, come back will help you,” John called.
“It’s too late jack ass!” Melissa snapped.
“Oh no Melissa is being mean! Cure you pen ink!” said Wild Will.
“Ummm…Wild Will isn’t she like your MOM!” said John.
Wild Will shudders… “Oh yeah!”
“I’m so late for work now!” Melissa said while walking up the hill.
“Wait!” said John. “I have an idea.”
Two minutes later Melissa had a ride, John. He piggy backed her all the way to work Wild Will cracks a whip. “Mule mule, hurry hurry, “ he cackles.
“Oh would you piss off!” said John.
“Yes and to that I say. Roo roo roo roo roo!”

(c) Melissa Canadian 2006