A story only Chris and I will understand and possibly Amy, maybe Antonia

The Horror of Love…
(You’re so Kinwai…this story is definitely not about you.)

It was a dark Friday night. Chris and Melissa, two mismatched star crossed friends, walk down the dark path. Chris and Melissa were looking for Antonia. They were supposed to meet her and Kinwai at 7:30 at the bar, but she was mysteriously absent. Melissa feels like this is a beginning of a horror movie.
“You know Chris this reminds me of a horror movie because its dark and all,” she said.
“Yeah well, what would we kind of stuff would we talk about if we were in a horror movie and about to be mercifully dilapidated,” said Chris.
“Oh no its Freddy Kruger,” said Chris.
A Freddy Kruger look-alike jumps from behind a tree.
“Oh no, I won’t be sleeping tonight, better get my crucifix,” Melissa replied.
The friends keep walking unaware famous horror movie psychos were not around because the writer does not steal other characters.
“Whoo its Chucky and hey look its Jason,” said Melissa.
“And there is Michael Myers,” said Chris.
“Ahhh,” said Melissa.
“What? What is it?” said Chris. “Oh wait its only Joan and she is holding a knife.”
“Ahhh,” Melissa screamed. She runs away.
Joan is suspended in mid air after jumping from a near by bush.”Hi Mel!” said Joan in an annoying high pitched voice. “I mean sorry Mel…issa.”
“You want brownies?” she asks holding a pan of brownies.
“Umm…no thanks,” said Melissa. She is still running.
“But I baked them just for you,” she whined.
“I don’t want any,” said Melissa.
“But, Mel…issa?” said Joan.
“Noooo,” said Melissa.
“I’ll have brownies,” said Chris.
“Oh CK,” said Joan. “I knew you would.”
She cuts a chunk of brownie. Chris runs to catch up with Melissa. He eats the brownie, his face is smudged with chocolate goo.
“Where are you going?” said Joan.
“Uhhh…to hang out with friends at the bar,” said Chris.
“You’re not invited,” said Melissa. “A.E.S.M. members only.”
“Oh come on Melissa,” said Chris.
“Fine! Then you will have to change the name to the A.E.S.E.M,” Melissa replied. She storms off in a huff.
Chris sighs. “Geeze you really hate Joan, don’t you?”
“No I don’t hate her. I just don’t like her,” said Melissa.
Awkward silence, two eyes on four, four eyes on two, two of the eyes are angry eyes, the angry eyes being Melissa. Joan stands on the path silently.
“Umm…Joan I would run,” said Melissa.
“Why?” whined Joan.
“Because Wild Will is coming to threaten to eat you,” she replied.
“Ummm…Melissa doesn’t Wild Will, show up later?” said Chris. “This seems really inconsistent.”
“Urgh the writer accidentally wrote Joan in the story and now I, I mean the writer is trying to get her out of the plot,” said Melissa.
“How do you know?” said Chris. “Unless…”
“Unless what?” said Melissa.
“Unless you’re the writer,” said Chris.
“What! I’m not the writer.” She tosses the notebook and pen into the middle of the road. A car rides over it.
And sure enough Wild Will shows up and chases Joan away. Yay! I mean mwhahahahahaha!
“Wow the writer is really mean,” said Chris.
“Shut up!” said Melissa. “I mean, lets look for Antonia.”
“What about Joan?” said Chris.
“What about her?”
“Uh never mind,” said Chris. “Nooninooninooninoo!”
“Wow that’s such a trade mark,” said Melissa.
“Thank you,” said Chris.
The two friends make their way past the vast university buildings and the library. They finally arrive at the bar.
“Its Antonia!” said Chris.
“Say something Antonia,” said Melissa.
Chris looks at Melissa…
“What?” said Melissa.
“Nothing,” Chris replied.
“Ohhoho,” said Antonia, with excitement. “Wow you are here.”
“Hello Kinwai,” said Chris inconspicuously.
“Hi Chris,” said Kinwai. He is holding a digital camera.
Melissa sees the camera and as she a camera fiend, she brings out her own. I bet I can out take pictures with my camera, mwhahahahahahahahahhaa! Melissa thought.
“Can I take some pictures,” Melissa asked.
“Sure sure,” said Antonia.
She poses for Melissa. They each take pictures of each other. Chris joins in. Kinwai also takes pictures. Unfortunately for him his camera broke. It was all because of Antonia’s beautifulness.
Meanwhile across town, in an Italian French Russian house. Amy sits forlorn, her mother wouldn’t let her go out with friends because of her aspirations to be a bum dancer and lesbian firefighter. Actually her mum wouldn’t let her got because she stayed out to late the previous night. These are the many joys of being under 18.
Her mom never new about her secret ambitions, which didn’t include the previous fore mentioned careers…but actually she wanted to be a hard hitting journalist and animal patrol member, she had a beef with a certain rottweiler. Also she wanted to be a Bollywood star, but her problem, I mean story shall come later.
She sits in her room forlorn, plagued by cheerio’s, not the sausages and radioactive atomic men, pretending to be Raul, but are actually spies of Raj, who are stalking her and attempting to “capture a snap.”
And now back to the four friends, which includes three founding members of the A.E.S.M. The fourth person is merely Kinwai, for some reason he is unofficial, blame that one on Amy and Chris for not remembering and Melissa for having to ask the others who didn’t remember.
The group sit in the dark bar. Loud electronic music plays, bimbo blondes sit across from them.
Melissa can sense Chris’s madness from his lack of Coke a Cola. She gets up and walks to the counter. She buys a jug of coke. It costs her $5. No problem for Melissa. Ten minutes from now a chainsaw will be heard, but that’s ten minutes from now and an important part of the plot is about to begin.
While Melissa is being ripped off. Kinwai whispers to Chris inconspicuously.
“Chris,” said Kinwai, “can you do me a favour?”
“What would that be?” said Chris. “Can you convince me it is good?”
“Umm…,” said Kinwai. “Steal Antonia’s passport. I don’t want her to go away.”
“Neither do I,” said Chris. “But umm… how do I steal it?”
“Steal what?” said Antonia.
“Your hair,” said Chris.
Antonia pats her head. “What do you want with my hair Chris?”
“Umm…nothing…hey look, its Melissa with Coke,” said Chris.
Melissa arrives with a jug of Coke and four small glasses.
“Wow this jug only fills four glasses and tastes like crap,” said Melissa.
She shakes her fist in anger. The ice cubes spill on the black wooden table.
The four friends feel awkward, everyone is looking at them, including the blonde bimbos or so it seems.
“Hurry up and drink your Coke,” said Melissa.
“Sure sure,” said Antonia.
“What for?” said Chris.
Chris and Antonia begin playing with the spilt ice cubes. Melissa joins in, followed by Kinwai. Currently he is deep in thought, contemplating on how he will make Antonia stay.
All of a sudden a chainsaw can be heard.
“Ahahahahahah,” said a polar bear named Frostbite. “I have come to destroy this bar that charges too much for pop, I mean soft drinks and lets in blonde bimbos.”
Melissa checks her watch. It has indeed been 10 minutes.
“Hey guys,” said Chris. “You want to go to McDonalds?”
“Sure sure,” said Antonia.
“OK,” said Melissa.
“Alright,” said Kinwai.
The four friends escape the polar bears wrath, little did Chris know, he soon would be crossing paths with Frostbite and yet again that’s another story.

Chris, Antonia, Kinwai, Melissa and Amy walk down the dark path, towards McDonalds. Hey wait Amy isn’t there. She disappears in a puff of smoke. How odd thought Chris. What is going on here? he thinks.
“You know this reminds me of a horror movie,” said Melissa.” Chris and I were just talking about this before we met up with you.”
“Yeah and for some reason Joan jumped from out of nowhere and was suspended in mid air,” said Chris. “She offered us brownies.”
Antonia and Kinwai say nothing.
“Anyways,” Chris continued. “They tasted good, but Melissa didn’t want one because she hates Joan.”
“No I don’t,” said Melissa. “It’s the writer.”
“Why does the writer not like Joan?” Chris asked.
“Ummm….frick if I know. Why don’t you ask her?” said Melissa.
“OK sure,” said Chris.
“Who is Joan?” asked Antonia.
“Just another blonde,” said Melissa.
“Ah yes,” said Chris. “If this were a horror movie all of you would die, first Kinwai, the rest of you, followed by me, until its apparent I am the murderer.”
Kinwai stares at Chris. “Who me?” said Kinwai. He points to himself.
“Yes and right before you die, your holding a spatula,” said Chris. “And you say, ‘want pizza?’”
“Umm…OK,” said Kinwai.
“Yes and Chris says, meat pie!” said Melissa.
Chris sniffs. “Sniff sniff meat pie!” said Chris.
McDonalds was almost in sight. Chris is hungry, Melissa has blisters, Antonia is just happy to be with friends. Kinwai, who knows?
All of a sudden, they were interrupted by four normal university students. Melissa and Chris feel awkward. The writer contemplates how this story going and determines that this will be one long ass story, with no point, like most of the stories she writes.
Antonia explains that she is with her friends. The four university students feel as scared as Chris is staring at them and Melissa is just standing there writing in her notebook I mean doing nothing…no really.
While Antonia talks, one falls asleep; the others fall over, the remaining tow ogle Antonia. Kinwai feels jealous, but doesn’t appear so because he is good at hiding his feelings. One must wonder what goes on in the recesses of his mind, much like Chris, but we won’t go there. Although you can see something when you look in his eyes, a tiny flicker of light, the light of love, poor Kinwai.
Finally the four university students bugger off. Once they had arrive at McDonalds, Chris became a martyr and helped Melissa finish her mocha frappe, which she unintentionally bought. They sit outside at the silver metal table amongst curious onlookers.
“Melissa bought herself a frappe and she is unable to finish it and her pain is my pain,” said Chris, “and I have to sacrifice myself to save her from indigestion. I’m a martyr. Die you evil fiend.”
He stabs a straw into the cup. Ice slush sloshes out of the plastic cup.
“I want to make sweet sweet love to this frappe,” said Chris.
“Errr OK,” said Melissa.
“And I also want to make sweet sweet love to Gandhi,” said Chris between his frequent consumption of frappe.
“Well Gandhi doesn’t want to make sweet sweet love to you,” Melissa replied.
“Well Gandhi can go fuck herself,” Chris retorted.
He almost finishes the frappe.
“Don’t drink all of it,” Melissa wails.
“Oh no I’m falling in,” Chris screamed.
He grabs Melissa’s camera and dunks it in. The camera sparks and explodes.
“Oh no!” Antonia screams.
“That’s tops,” said Chris. He gives two thumbs up.
“No it isn’t Chris,” said Antonia. “You broke Melissa’s camera, shame shame on you.”
“Yeah sure it its tops Chris,” said Melissa. “Curse you.”
Kinwai was so deep in thought during this that he never even noticed any of the commotion. Why was Kinwai in such deep thought? As it was previously mentioned, He is in love with Antonia and his camera was broken. He has come to the conclusion that he needs a problem solver. A broken digital camera just won’t do.
Kinwai wanders off. The others pay no attention as Chris is busy being Chris and as of this very moment he is hiding under a table. Eventually after much psycho bantering between Melissa and Chris and Antonias sudden realization to the sudden disappearance of Kinwai, they leave, not just the messy table they were sitting at, but confused people.
Kinwai comes across a payphone He walks in he dials. He dials 1-800-I-NEED-HELP-RIGHT-NOW
The operator comes on:
“Welcome to problem solvers network. How can we help you?”
“If you want to solve a garbage problem, for example trash compactor problems, press 97233721, if you have a miscellaneous problem, such as broken digital camera, press 2726272628, if you have a fat problem, such as making frequent trips to the confectionary aisle at the supermarket press 3333 nine times, if you have a love problem press one.”
Now Kinwai definitely had a love problem, but he also had a miscellaneous problem, but he couldn’t remember the ridiculous code in which to dial so he pressed one.
Meanwhile across the Pacific Ocean, all the way to Montreal, the quarrelsome trio, Wild Will, Adventure Joe and John are fighting as usual. This time it’s because Wild Will is angry due to Joe’s discovery of his baby pictures.
“Ah ha,” said Joe. “I found Wild Wills puppy pictures.”
A picture of a cartoon can be seen.
“What the…” said Joe. “Since when is Wild Will a cartoon?”
“Hey where did you get that?” said Wild Will. “Tell me or I will eat you. Then I will throw the pictures into the fiery pits of dog hell. Mwhahahahahaha!’
“Umm…I found them,” said Joe. “Hey John come look at Wild Will’s baby photos.”
“Awhh,” said John. “There you are first being created.”
John points to a nerdy 18 year old girl writing in her note book, then to Wild Will sitting on a big yellow school bus.
“And there I am threatening to eat someone for the first time,” said Wild Will. He grins evilly. “Those were the days.”
“Oh look there’s your mom,” said John. “She is writing you down for the first time.”
“Mommy,” said Wild Will. “I love my Mommy.”
John and Joe look at Wild Will. This is a side of Wild Will I have never seen before, John thought.
“Well she is my Mummy too,” said Joe. “She created me as well.”
“Noooo,” said Wild Will.
“Why would my Mommy do this to me? Out of all the cruel and demented story lines,” Wild Will sobbed.
“Don’t worry Wild Will. She is my mom as well,” said John.
“Yeah only because she is basing you on her old journalism instructor, who is 6”5, except you don’t have a mustache or and Irish name,” said Wild Will.
“Wilson is an Irish name,” said John.
“In honour of her crazy math/science teacher?” said Wild Will.
“Guess what Joe? When you were invented you sounded like Guy Sebastian,” said Wild Will. “Mwhahahahahahahha!”
“Noooo,” said Joe. “I don’t know what is worse sounding like Guy Sebastian or Rove McManus.”
Writers note: There was a dove character that sang like Guy Sebastian, but Wild Will shot him with an air riffle. Unfortunately the writer didn’t think it was nice to write about animal cruelty, whether it was human vs. animal, animal vs. human or animal vs. animal. Wild Will laughs evilly at the memory of this. The tale of the doomed dove shall be told later, as of now a pink light flashes signifying a love problem.
“Oh dear God, not another love problem,” John whined.
Carma stands behind the desk.
“You know one of you is going to answer this don’t you?”
“Why don’t you answer it?” said Joe.
“Umm...that isn’t in my job description,” she replied.
“Actually it is,” said John.
“Yeah answer the phone or I will eat you,” added Wild Will.
“Puhlease!” she said.
“John, get Ruthless Roy for me,” Wild Will ordered.
“No not Ruthless Roy,” Carma cried.
“Then answered the phone,” said John.
“Fine, but I’m warning you, I’m sick of being the useless character that does f’ all,” Carma said.
“Hello Wild Will’s office Carma speaking,” she answered.
“Hello this is Kinwai,” said Kinwai.
“A problem solver will be with you in just a moment, please hold.”
“Here you go Joe,” she shoves the phone in the poor koala’s face.
“What?” said Joe. “I’m not answering it, here you go John.” He slides the phone to John, as he is perched on Johns shoulders.
“Hmm…” said John, “no way.” He throws the phone at Wild Will it makes a thud as it hits him in the face, so much for the writer’s stance on animal cruelty.
“Grr…” said Wild Will. “Fine, but your get the next one John.”
“Fine,” John sighs.
“Hello,” said Wild Will. “This is Wild Will, what do you want?”
Yes Kinwai is still on the line. He is really patient doctors love him.
“Hi this is Kinwai.”
“What’s you’re problem?” said Wild Will.
“You are,” said Joe.
“Not you No Balls, the guy on the phone,” Wild Will replied.
“Umm…actually I’m not sure, my camera is broken and the girl I love is leaving soon.”
“Does this girl love you?” said Wild Will.
“No, she is in love with some other guy.”
“Then give up and find some other girl, mwhaahahahahahah!”
“Wait,” said John, overhearing the conversation. “Is this an actual love problem?”
“Yes,” said Wild Will. “But he seems more concerned with his camera.”
“I think I can help and we may not even have to travel over there.”
“Really?” said Wild Will. He scratches his chin with his massively evil rottweiler paws.
“OK,” said Wild Will. “You have a go, you’re speaking with Kinwai.”
“Hello Kinwai,” said John. “This is John. I’m understanding that this is an actual love problem?”
“Yes and my camera, it is broken,” said Kinwai.
“The girl you love is leaving. I think your Kodak Easy Share digital camera is hardly the problem.”
“How did you know what kind it was?” Kinwai asked.
“Lucky guess?” said John. “Listen, she is from Hong Kong as well right?”
“How did you know we’re from Hong Kong?”
“Shut up! I’m psychic,” John replied.
“What’s this girls name anyway? Is it Antonia?”
“Yes,” said Kinwai. “How did you know?”
“The writer told him,” said Joe. “How else?”
“The writer, who would that be?” said Kinwai.
“That’s classified,” said John, “which means I don’t know but I want to sound like I actually do.”
“Umm…OK,” said Kinwai.
“So anyways dude, what you have to doe is steal her passport,” said John.
“That’s it?” said Kinwai.
“Well you could buy her some flowers,” said Joe.
“Or lock her in your cupboard,” said Wild Will.
“You’re sick,” said Joe. He furrows his eyebrows. “If I had a shoe, I’d throw it at you.”
“I do,” said Carma. She hand it over to Joe. He eagerly throws it at Wild Will. It bounces off his box shaped head.
“Owe!” said Wild Will. “You’re going to the sausage factory, you piss ant little fucker.”
“Wild Will we have someone on the line, watch your language,” said Carma.
“Weight watchers,” said Wild Will. He laughs evilly. Carma bursts into tears.
“Urhg, you guys keep it down,” said John. “I’m busy here.”
“Sorry about that Kinwai,” John continues. “As I was saying if you take her passport then she can’t leave the country.”
“I already thought of that!” said Kinwai. “It’s a matter of distracting her.”
“Ummm hmmm…” said John. “You could use some friends to distract her.”
“I guess,” said Kinwai.
“Ummm…distract her by some sort of diversion. Are you right?” said John. “Or do you need our assistance?”
“No!” said Kinwai.
Kinwai was much to smart for this. To smart for this story in fact. So he hung up in anger. Staring across from him were his friends, Antonia, Chris and Melissa.
“What are you doing Kinwai?” said Antonia.
“Hmm…yes Kinwai, what are you doing?” said Chris. “Was it Amy? Did she convince you it was good?”
Melissa says nothing she knew what Kinwai was doing.
“Umm…calling for pizza?” said Kinwai. “But it will take too long so I change my mind.”
“Uh huh,” said Melissa. The quartet walk back to Antonia’s.
A problem unsolved or so it seemed at the time. Kinwai and Antonia walk side by side. All of a sudden an ominous rottweiler appears from the shadows. Good old Wild Will. John sent him as a quick diversion on suggestion from Adventure Joe…who needed time to poison his vegetarian dog food.
Chris and Antonia see this as a malicious man eating attack. They run away, followed by Melissa. Kinwai was more concerned about his camera.Chris falls over into a ditch screaming. Melissa loses her breath because she thought about her friend Carol and Melissa remembered that she was fat. Antonia stops in her tracks she sees Wild Will rise in the air with his jet pack.
“I left you a going away present Antonia,” said Wild Will. “Mwhahahahahaha.”
“That’s not very nice,” said Melissa. “Well I’m not cleaning it up. Hey wait it’s a digital camera.”
“Bye Mommy,” said Wild Will. “By the way John said ‘Good luck Kinwai’ and I’m giving you a camera as a memento.”
“Since when are you so nice?” said Melissa.
“Hey, yeah since when am I so nice?” said Wild Will. “Oh well I must go vegetables to eat, people to threaten.” He blasts off, all that is left is a fiery trail.
Antonia is mystified by the flying talking rottweiler. Melissa is amused by Wild Wills antics and Chris is in a state of shock, because kangaroos and koalas can’t procreate. It was during this bizarre commotion, that Kinwai quickly steals Antonia’s passport. It was weeks latter, until she realised this.

© Melissa Canadian 2006 All rights reserved.