The end of stories forever!

Sorry this has taken so long....This will be the last story ever written about Wild Will well in these particular circumstances.

A Multimedia of Problems Part 3: You’re so Kate…this story IS about you!

The smell of chocolately beavery goodness whiffed through the small kitchen.
“Mmmmm…smells nice,” said Kate.
“It sure does,” said Joan.Today there was a problem and it wasn’t because of the beaver brownies. Kate was upset because of her lack of appearances and involvement in previous stories. Also, she couldn’t figure out why she was wearing a pink tutu, it was most likely because of dastardly story written by the author.
This calls for a problem solver.
She dials 1-888 I-HAVE-A-PROBLEM
The operator comes on.
“Welcome to problem solvers network Australia. What can we do for you?”
“If you have any kind of problem just press two because that’s what everyone does. If you have a loathe problem press two. If you’re an idiot press two. Seriously just PRESS TWO.”
Kate wasn’t one to argue with the operator. So she pressed two.
All the way across the country an orange light flashes signifying a possible loathe problem.”
“Hello this is Fergus. How can I help you? Bare in mind I am understaffed due to current difficulties,” said a big brown dog.
“Hello I are Kate,” said Kate.
“Ummm…Melissa the Writer are hasn’t put me in any stories. I are made it in the last one by default. I are mad because of this.”
“Is this a loathe problem?”
“Well of course it is. Do you think I are like being left out. I ARE LOATHE THAT!”
“Hmmm…I see,” said Fergus. “And you what do you want me to do about that?”
“Solve my problem you dickhead!” said Kate.
Fergus sighs a heavy dog sigh full of contempt.
“Why don’t you just talk to the writer? I’m sure you can figure it out.”
“So is you on your way then?” Kate asked.
“No!” said Fergus. “If you need hands on solving I’ll transfer you to miscellaneous problems.”
The operator comes on, “Now transferring please hold.”
All the way across the Atlantic Ocean, all the way to Greenland a purple light flashes. A polar bear not Frostbite sits in a chair knitting some mittens for Adventure Joe. He is surprised by the sudden flashing lights.
“No again,” he cries. “That’s the second one this year.”
He picks up the phone apprehensively.
“Allo allo,” he said. He had an Italian accent. “I’m Gregorio Stupendo
“Ooooh you is Italian?” asked Kate. “Oh yeah I’m Kate!”
“Uh yeah how did you know?” said Gregorio.
“Well you are have an Italian accent,” said Kate.
“Ah yes…for sure so how can I assist you today?”
“My friend won’t write me in any of her stories. I only made the last one by default.”
“Ummm…I see,” said Gregorio. He feels nervous. This is a big problem he thought.
“Well can you are solve my problem or not?” Kate asked.
“I…never solved a problem before,” said Gregorio. “Well….you could just talk to your friend. She probably just forgot to add you.”
“Listen…I want you to solve my problem. Are that to much to ask?”
“Hmmm…well I could transfer you over to someone who will try to help you.”
“Bloody Hell,” said Kate.
“Please hold,” said Gregorio.
The operator comes on again.
“Now transferring please be patient. Thank you.”
Not far away a white light flashes signifying a transfer between problem solving networks. Wild Will answers the phone.
“Hello,” said Wild Will. “What do you want?”
“I am Kate and I are want someone to solve my problem.”
Wild Will growls, “and just what is this problem?”
“My friend wont write me in her stories and the…”
“Yeah, let me guess you made the last one by default and you’re so mad about this?” said Wild Will.
“YES! How are did you know?” said Kate.
“You’re use of grammar sounds familiar,” said Wild Will. “Is this Chris? Pray tell if it is…”
“I told you my name are Kate. I are Chris’s friend,” said Kate.
“I AM GOING TO EAT YOU!” said Wild Will.
“Oooh where?” said Kate.
“No no eat you not,” said Wild Will. “Never mind!”
“So can you are solve my problem?”
“There isn’t one. Think about it jack ass. If you’re not being written about right now, how else would you be talking to me?” said Wild Will.
“Hmmm…I see,” said Kate. “Oooh can I are talk to the koala?”
“What the blazing hells bells for?” Wild Will asked.
“Because maybe he will are solve problem.”
Wild Will stops and thinks. This could really annoy him. He laughs evilly.
“Oh Joe…Joe?”
“Joes sleeping,” said John.
“Well wake him up!” said Wild Will, “or I will eat you!”
“Yeah whatever!” said John. “Do you need help with a problem or something?”
“Well Kate on the phone is upset because her friend hasn’t written about her.”
“So tell her to talk to her friend,” John stops. “Let me guess she doesn’t get.”
John yanks the phone from Wild Will’s massively evil rottweiler paws.
“We’re on our way!” he said.
“What? John?” said Wild Will. “I am going to eat you!”
“We’re going to get her friend to talk to her,” John explained.
“Yay!” said Kate. “Wait are this the koala?”
“No its John.”
“But I are wanted to talk to the koala,” Kate whined.
John sighs, “we’ll bring the koala.”
“Why does she want to talk to Joe?” Wild Will asked.
“Because he speaks Australian,” said John. “Come on we better go.”
“We might need extra help,” said Wild Will. “I’ll make Ruthless Roy come.” He grinned a despicably evil grin.
“Yay!” said Kate. “She hangs up the phone. “This are will show Mel-issa.”
Joan sees Kate in the living room.
“Kate,” said Joan. “Were you using my phone?”
“Yeah why?” Kate looks at Joan suspiciously.
“Oh its not long distance is it? Or perhaps a call to a certain someone who will bring destruction and meaness towards me and/or Justin?”
“No,” said Kate. “Hey do you reckon I should name this shoe?”
“Oh that’s a great idea,” said Joan, ignoring Kate’s inquiry into the shoe. “The brownies are done!”
“Yay that are awesome!” said Kate.
“I know lets give some to Mel,” said Joan.
“Melinda?” said Kate.
“No silly, Melissa,” said Joan.
“You are know Mel-issa doesn’t like being called that don’t you?”
“I do, but I keep forgetting,” said Joan.
“We are shouldn’t give brownies to Mel-issa!” said Kate.
“Why?” said Joan.
“Because number 1. I are left out of her stories, 2. she are writes mean things about you and 3. she likes rottweilers.”
“Oh?” said Joan. “Oh wells to Melissa’s house I go. I’m giving her brownies.”
Kate frowns. “Oh no look a rottweiler,” she shouts.
“Kate!” said Joan. “You know I am scared of them!”
“No it are a rottweiler.”
“Ahhhhh,” said Joan, remembering all the previous encounters with this particular rottweiler.
“Ooooh there are two of them,” said Kate. “What are that one named?” She points to a slightly bigger eviler looking rottweiler.
“Why I’m Ruthless Roy,” the biggest rottweiler replied.
Justin was trying a man-bra upstairs in his room when he hears the screams of terror downstairs. He is however, confused on Kate’s delight.
“Don’t worry. I’ll save you!” said Justin, running down the stairs, his tall frame shaking the entire flat.
“We are about to prove this story is about you,” said Wild Will. “Joe: Translation please! Oh yeah Ruthless Roy, John get the cannon!”
“Oh look it are the koala,” said Kate.
“Kate we is going to prove this story are about you because of the following,” said Joe translating Wild Will. “Now he are sending John and Ruthless Roy to get a cannon.”
Justin stands there dumfounded. He looked like a big dumb stupid ape with man boobs.
Wheels can be heard John was pushing up the giant cannon. Ruthless Roy waits patiently with a box of matches.
“What’s going on here?” said Justin.
“You suck so we’re firing you…out of a cannon…into the sun,” said Wild Will.
“Yay!” said Kate.
“What?” said Justin.
“No don’t fire Justin out of a cannon,” said Joan.
“John?” said Wild Will. “Hurry up!”
John lumbers over. He picks Justin up with ease.
“Hey put me down!” Justin protests.
“No can do I’m under strict rules from the writer to fire you out of this here cannon,” said John.
“Everyone you need ear plugs,” said Joe. He hands them out eagerly.
“Nooo,” said Joan. She punches John in combative protest.
It was too late there was a deafening boom.
“Mwhahahahahaha!” said Wild Will.
Meanwhile at Melissa’s flat:
Melissa and Carol are sitting and watching TV, when all of a sudden they hear a loud boom.
“Melissa,” said Carol. “Did you just fart?”
“No,” said Melissa.
“Then what is that smell?” Carol asked. “And that loud boom?”
“Ummm…Justin?” said Melissa. “Being fired out of a cannon into the sun.”
There was a terrifying scream, Justin come crashing through Melissa’s the roof into the living room, leaving a ghastly hole in the ceiling.
“Oh the stench.” Carol passes out.
“Oh he’s dead,” said Antonia.
“Antonia?” said Melissa. “You’re not supposed to be here.”
“Nooo…” said Carol getting up off the floor. “He is not dead he is just smelly.”
“Alright,” said Melissa. “I think…I mean the writer thinks she has done enough Justin bashing therefore…”
“Melissa, stop bringing in random friends into your stories,” Carol said. “Unless there me!”
“Carol, I can explain” said Melissa. “Maybe Antonia came for a surprise visit from Hong Kong?”
Kate comes bursting through the back door. She looks unusually happy.
“Oh hello Kate,” said Melissa.
“Wait a minute,” said Kate she stops and looks at Melissa and Carol. “That rottweiler are lied to me!”
“Why?” said Melissa. “Oh shit is Wild Will here?”
“He are said this story was about me.”
“Oh good you noticed,” said Melissa. “I mean I am not the writer.”
“Yes you is,” said Kate.
“Is it because Carol is here?” said Melissa.
“Yes, the story are about her!” said Kate.
“No the story are making fun of her,” said Chris he walks out from the kitchen holding a can of soft drink. “Oh hi Melissa, I hope you don’t mind but I came over while Joan and Kate were making brownies and helped myself to some lemonade.”
“Chris, put the knife down,” said Melissa.
“Why Melissa? I have no idea what you’re talking about. You are convinced me it are was good,” said Chris. He looks at the knife and hides it behind his back.
“Making fun of me,” said Carol. “Melissa I thought we were friends.” She storms out of the flat, pushing past a very confused Antonia.
“So Melissa how come this are story are not about ME!” Kate bellows.
“Why it is about you!” Melissa replies. “Why do you insist that its not?”
“Well Justin never are made it to the sun and Antonia is here. Therefore this are story is not about be,” Kate replied. “It’s about Antonia.”
“No,” Melissa sighed. “It’s ABOUT you. I already wrote an Antonia story.”
“Ah ha!” said Kate. “So you admit you never wrote a story about me. Nor is you writing one now!”
“But Melissa is writing a story about you right now,” said Chris. He points at Melissa who at this very moment is writing ferociously.
“What I’m not the WRITER!” said Melissa. She throws her notebook across the room. It flies by Kate’s hand knocking the shoe from her grasp.
“Mel-issa!” said Kate. “You hurt George.”
“Who is George?” said Chris. He picks up the note book and inspects it thoroughly.
“See this story are about you,” said Chris. He points to a paragraph that says.
“This story is about Kate. In which she is written about and is the central character. The end by Melissa.”
“Oooh,” said Kate. “This are proves nothing. Oh and the shoe are named George.”
Antonia stands at the door way still confounded on why she had appeared. Then as quickly as this thought appeared in her mind she disappears in a puff of smoke.
“Mel-issa!” said Kate. “What’s with characters spontaneously combusting?”
“You mean Antonia?” said Melissa. “She didn’t combust she disappeared in a puff of smoke.”
“I are see,” Kate replied. “So why are this story not about me?”
“It is,” said Melissa. “See I’ll prove it too you.”
Just as Melissa mentioned this, the previously afore mentioned pathetic lump known as Justin was almost attacked by red fire ants.
“Uh I are see,” said Kate. “Why is the fire ants crawling away in a such a hurry?”
“It’s probably the smell. Nothing a little deodorant would cure,” said Melissa. “I’ll just go and get some from upstairs. I know I’m to mean… and Joan may possibly be reading this and I’m not THE WRITER!” She runs up the stairs.
“Yes you is,” said Kate.
“Melissa this has to stop,” said Chris. “First Antonia disappears and we get it you do not like Justin or beavers. JUST STOP IT!” He looks at Melissa angrily.
There was a knock at the front door. Chris answers it holding a knife in his right hand. Five angry ethnic type people stand at the door way. A Japanese-Canadian boy, an Italian-Korean boy, a blonde American cheerleader type, a typical Aussie bloke and a beautiful Norwegian or Swedish girl.
“WE WANT TO TALK TO THE WRITER!” said a girl with blue eyes and blonde hair. She had a very non-nerd like appearance.
“Fancy that,” said Chris. “Oi Mel-issa!”
“I’M NOT THE WRITER!” Melissa replied.
“Yes you is,” said Kate.
Melissa stomps into the living room. She knew who they were although she wouldn’t readily admit it to her friends because that would me she is the writer.
“The Extraterrestrial Interracial Club and Alyssa?” said Melissa.
“Yes the E.I.C.A,” said the girl. “I’m Alyssa.”
“Yes she’s the illustrator,” said a boy behind her with a foot ball shaped head. “I’m Lachlan.”
“I am,” said Alyssa agreeing to being the illustrator.
“Lachlan?” said Kate. She is confused. What’s he doing here she thought.
“Yes well beside me is Christina from Norway or Sweden, Naoki a Japanese Canadian and Antonio from Italy,” said Alyssa. “And I am from America.
“Get out of my story,” said Melissa. “I mean…Kate’s story. Also the story doesn’t have an illustrator. It’s all in my head…NOW BEAT IT!”
“Beat it, beat it, don’t you make me repeat it,” Lachlan sings.
“You like Michael Jackson?” Melissa asked.
“No I hate him,” said Lachlan. “It’s just when you said that I kind of got into the moment and that’s not tops!” He points his thumbs in downwards position.
“Amy does,” said Chris. “Hey you must be Amy’s polar opposite.”
“Oh yeah and Antonio must be Chris’s,” Kate points out.
“Nooooo that would be Christina,” said Melissa. “It’s as follows Lachlan: Amy, Chris: Christina, Antonia: Antonio, Kinwai: Naoki, her: me.
“Oh I see,” said Chris, “The A.E.S.M. is as the E.I.C.A. is to the A.E.S.M.”
“What about me?” said Kate. “Where are my alternate character?”
“Uh I don’t know,” said Melissa. “Doesn’t the E.I.C.A. have six members?”
“No we have five,” said Antonio. “Poor Karl.”
“Karl?” said Kate. “Who are he?”
“He was our sixth member, but he died in an air ballooning accident,” said Christina. She looks to the floor sadly.
“Kate, I got it,” said Chris. “This is a Melissa story because of the frequent change of tenses and it’s about you because of the bad grammar and Kate like language.”
“Yes and the inside jokes,” said Melissa. “Don’t forget those.”
“Yes and so badly illustrated,” Alyssa added.
“What! I thought I told you this story don’t have an illustrator. Nor a writer by my name,” said Melissa.
Carol wanders in, “hey did I just hear that were illustraded?”
“Illustrated Carol,” said Melissa. “No were not drawn up.”
“Yeah I’m not a cartoon,” said Carol. She looks at Alyssa angrily then shakes her fist in anger.
“Yes but I make all the strange things happen,” said Alyssa.
“No Melissa does,” said Chris.
“Yeah don’t take credit for her bizarre works,” said Kate, “even if this story isn’t about me.”
“But it is,” Melissa pleaded.
The group nine of people are suddenly interrupted by a shrill scream.
“Oh no Justin!” It was Joan, running to his rescue.
“Oh hi Joan,” said Chris.
“What’s with the knife?” Joan replied.
“I have no idea,” said Chris.
John, Wild Will, and Adventure Joe join in on the massive confusion.
John sees the E.I.C.A and then he remembers the problem solving gang already met their opposites in the previous story, Fergus: Wild Will, John: Carol, Joe: Captain Winky.
Ruthless Roy? He wasn’t in the previous story. Perhaps it was the moose he thinks.
Wild Will sees the madness engulfed in the room. He is disappointed in the appearance of Justin on Melissa’s living room floor.
“Ruthless Roy? John? How about a clean up?” Wild Will orders.
“Fine, fine!” said John. He lumbers over to Justin and begins to drag him of the room.
Adventure Joe sees the mess and thinks nothing unusual. This koala is used to this by now.
“Oi rottweiler!” said Kate. “You are lied to me. You are said this story are about me!”
“IT IS!” said Wild Will. “All the signs point towards it jackass!”
“Don’t call my friends names,” said Melissa. “Oh sorry about the last story by the way.”
“Its what I do Melissa,” said Wild Will. “Honestly have you forgotten? Have you noticed how mean I am?”
“Yeah really mean,” said Kate. “You are did threaten to eat me!”
“Melissa! I want to be in a different story,” said Wild Will. “Write me in a different one or I will eat you.”
“What is a Kate featured story not good enough for you?” Chris asked.
Melissa writes a paragraph or two in her notebook about Wild Will. She then shows it to Wild Will.
“A cameo appearance?” said Wild Will. “Whose idea was this?”
“Amy’s,” said Melissa.
“Wait, what are they doing here?” said Joe, finally coming out the silence.
“The E.I.C.A!” said Melissa. “Well, they…”
“GO AWAY I HATE YOU!” Kate bellows.
“Why?” said Christina. She is holding a spoon.
“Christina, put that spoon away,” said Alyssa.
Kate is not convinced the story is about her and if it is she’ll make sure it’s about her and that it goes her way or else.
“Because I don’t want you in my story!” said Kate.
“Why didn’t you say so,” said Melissa. “Wild Will?”
“What? Oh I see,” said Wild Will. He understands Melissa’s intentions. Wild Will growls evilly. The E.I.C.A. members gulp collectively in fear. Wild Will chase them into a ditch, which closely resembles a deep embankment. He trots back to Melissa’s house happily. This sort of activity made him unusually happy.
“Kate,” said Wild Will. “If this doesn’t prove this story is about you. I don’t know what will.”
“Banana’s” said Kate.
“What?” said Melissa.
“In the pants Chris’s pants,” Kate continued.
“Oh I see,” said Melissa.
Chris’s pants are suddenly filled with bananas.
“What! That’s not very nice,” said Chris.
“Chris, go make me a smoothy,” said Kate.
“Well, well, well, maybe I will,” said Chris. He walks off to the kitchen…the sound of a blender is heard.
“Ooooh Cool,” said Kate. “So anything I are want to happen you are will make happen?”
“Well if I was the writer,” said Melissa. “But that’s basically it.”
“Hmmm…” said Kate.
She is consumed by many possibilities and ideas. What fun, she thought and its all at the tip of a pen or fingers at the command of a keyboard.
“I want it to be THE END FOREVER!” Kate commands. “No more madness, no more Wild Will.”
Melissa had no choice in the matter. The universe of Melissa dissipates. It ceases to exist. Fortunately because Melissa wrote a cameo appearance for Wild Will in another story he is saved.
Melissa suddenly welcomes the real world.

© Melissa Canadian 2006