A story only Chris and I will understand and possibly Amy, maybe Antonia

The Horror of Love…
(You’re so Kinwai…this story is definitely not about you.)

It was a dark Friday night. Chris and Melissa, two mismatched star crossed friends, walk down the dark path. Chris and Melissa were looking for Antonia. They were supposed to meet her and Kinwai at 7:30 at the bar, but she was mysteriously absent. Melissa feels like this is a beginning of a horror movie.
“You know Chris this reminds me of a horror movie because its dark and all,” she said.
“Yeah well, what would we kind of stuff would we talk about if we were in a horror movie and about to be mercifully dilapidated,” said Chris.
“Oh no its Freddy Kruger,” said Chris.
A Freddy Kruger look-alike jumps from behind a tree.
“Oh no, I won’t be sleeping tonight, better get my crucifix,” Melissa replied.
The friends keep walking unaware famous horror movie psychos were not around because the writer does not steal other characters.
“Whoo its Chucky and hey look its Jason,” said Melissa.
“And there is Michael Myers,” said Chris.
“Ahhh,” said Melissa.
“What? What is it?” said Chris. “Oh wait its only Joan and she is holding a knife.”
“Ahhh,” Melissa screamed. She runs away.
Joan is suspended in mid air after jumping from a near by bush.”Hi Mel!” said Joan in an annoying high pitched voice. “I mean sorry Mel…issa.”
“You want brownies?” she asks holding a pan of brownies.
“Umm…no thanks,” said Melissa. She is still running.
“But I baked them just for you,” she whined.
“I don’t want any,” said Melissa.
“But, Mel…issa?” said Joan.
“Noooo,” said Melissa.
“I’ll have brownies,” said Chris.
“Oh CK,” said Joan. “I knew you would.”
She cuts a chunk of brownie. Chris runs to catch up with Melissa. He eats the brownie, his face is smudged with chocolate goo.
“Where are you going?” said Joan.
“Uhhh…to hang out with friends at the bar,” said Chris.
“You’re not invited,” said Melissa. “A.E.S.M. members only.”
“Oh come on Melissa,” said Chris.
“Fine! Then you will have to change the name to the A.E.S.E.M,” Melissa replied. She storms off in a huff.
Chris sighs. “Geeze you really hate Joan, don’t you?”
“No I don’t hate her. I just don’t like her,” said Melissa.
Awkward silence, two eyes on four, four eyes on two, two of the eyes are angry eyes, the angry eyes being Melissa. Joan stands on the path silently.
“Umm…Joan I would run,” said Melissa.
“Why?” whined Joan.
“Because Wild Will is coming to threaten to eat you,” she replied.
“Ummm…Melissa doesn’t Wild Will, show up later?” said Chris. “This seems really inconsistent.”
“Urgh the writer accidentally wrote Joan in the story and now I, I mean the writer is trying to get her out of the plot,” said Melissa.
“How do you know?” said Chris. “Unless…”
“Unless what?” said Melissa.
“Unless you’re the writer,” said Chris.
“What! I’m not the writer.” She tosses the notebook and pen into the middle of the road. A car rides over it.
And sure enough Wild Will shows up and chases Joan away. Yay! I mean mwhahahahahaha!
“Wow the writer is really mean,” said Chris.
“Shut up!” said Melissa. “I mean, lets look for Antonia.”
“What about Joan?” said Chris.
“What about her?”
“Uh never mind,” said Chris. “Nooninooninooninoo!”
“Wow that’s such a trade mark,” said Melissa.
“Thank you,” said Chris.
The two friends make their way past the vast university buildings and the library. They finally arrive at the bar.
“Its Antonia!” said Chris.
“Say something Antonia,” said Melissa.
Chris looks at Melissa…
“What?” said Melissa.
“Nothing,” Chris replied.
“Ohhoho,” said Antonia, with excitement. “Wow you are here.”
“Hello Kinwai,” said Chris inconspicuously.
“Hi Chris,” said Kinwai. He is holding a digital camera.
Melissa sees the camera and as she a camera fiend, she brings out her own. I bet I can out take pictures with my camera, mwhahahahahahahahahhaa! Melissa thought.
“Can I take some pictures,” Melissa asked.
“Sure sure,” said Antonia.
She poses for Melissa. They each take pictures of each other. Chris joins in. Kinwai also takes pictures. Unfortunately for him his camera broke. It was all because of Antonia’s beautifulness.
Meanwhile across town, in an Italian French Russian house. Amy sits forlorn, her mother wouldn’t let her go out with friends because of her aspirations to be a bum dancer and lesbian firefighter. Actually her mum wouldn’t let her got because she stayed out to late the previous night. These are the many joys of being under 18.
Her mom never new about her secret ambitions, which didn’t include the previous fore mentioned careers…but actually she wanted to be a hard hitting journalist and animal patrol member, she had a beef with a certain rottweiler. Also she wanted to be a Bollywood star, but her problem, I mean story shall come later.
She sits in her room forlorn, plagued by cheerio’s, not the sausages and radioactive atomic men, pretending to be Raul, but are actually spies of Raj, who are stalking her and attempting to “capture a snap.”
And now back to the four friends, which includes three founding members of the A.E.S.M. The fourth person is merely Kinwai, for some reason he is unofficial, blame that one on Amy and Chris for not remembering and Melissa for having to ask the others who didn’t remember.
The group sit in the dark bar. Loud electronic music plays, bimbo blondes sit across from them.
Melissa can sense Chris’s madness from his lack of Coke a Cola. She gets up and walks to the counter. She buys a jug of coke. It costs her $5. No problem for Melissa. Ten minutes from now a chainsaw will be heard, but that’s ten minutes from now and an important part of the plot is about to begin.
While Melissa is being ripped off. Kinwai whispers to Chris inconspicuously.
“Chris,” said Kinwai, “can you do me a favour?”
“What would that be?” said Chris. “Can you convince me it is good?”
“Umm…,” said Kinwai. “Steal Antonia’s passport. I don’t want her to go away.”
“Neither do I,” said Chris. “But umm… how do I steal it?”
“Steal what?” said Antonia.
“Your hair,” said Chris.
Antonia pats her head. “What do you want with my hair Chris?”
“Umm…nothing…hey look, its Melissa with Coke,” said Chris.
Melissa arrives with a jug of Coke and four small glasses.
“Wow this jug only fills four glasses and tastes like crap,” said Melissa.
She shakes her fist in anger. The ice cubes spill on the black wooden table.
The four friends feel awkward, everyone is looking at them, including the blonde bimbos or so it seems.
“Hurry up and drink your Coke,” said Melissa.
“Sure sure,” said Antonia.
“What for?” said Chris.
Chris and Antonia begin playing with the spilt ice cubes. Melissa joins in, followed by Kinwai. Currently he is deep in thought, contemplating on how he will make Antonia stay.
All of a sudden a chainsaw can be heard.
“Ahahahahahah,” said a polar bear named Frostbite. “I have come to destroy this bar that charges too much for pop, I mean soft drinks and lets in blonde bimbos.”
Melissa checks her watch. It has indeed been 10 minutes.
“Hey guys,” said Chris. “You want to go to McDonalds?”
“Sure sure,” said Antonia.
“OK,” said Melissa.
“Alright,” said Kinwai.
The four friends escape the polar bears wrath, little did Chris know, he soon would be crossing paths with Frostbite and yet again that’s another story.

Chris, Antonia, Kinwai, Melissa and Amy walk down the dark path, towards McDonalds. Hey wait Amy isn’t there. She disappears in a puff of smoke. How odd thought Chris. What is going on here? he thinks.
“You know this reminds me of a horror movie,” said Melissa.” Chris and I were just talking about this before we met up with you.”
“Yeah and for some reason Joan jumped from out of nowhere and was suspended in mid air,” said Chris. “She offered us brownies.”
Antonia and Kinwai say nothing.
“Anyways,” Chris continued. “They tasted good, but Melissa didn’t want one because she hates Joan.”
“No I don’t,” said Melissa. “It’s the writer.”
“Why does the writer not like Joan?” Chris asked.
“Ummm….frick if I know. Why don’t you ask her?” said Melissa.
“OK sure,” said Chris.
“Who is Joan?” asked Antonia.
“Just another blonde,” said Melissa.
“Ah yes,” said Chris. “If this were a horror movie all of you would die, first Kinwai, the rest of you, followed by me, until its apparent I am the murderer.”
Kinwai stares at Chris. “Who me?” said Kinwai. He points to himself.
“Yes and right before you die, your holding a spatula,” said Chris. “And you say, ‘want pizza?’”
“Umm…OK,” said Kinwai.
“Yes and Chris says, meat pie!” said Melissa.
Chris sniffs. “Sniff sniff meat pie!” said Chris.
McDonalds was almost in sight. Chris is hungry, Melissa has blisters, Antonia is just happy to be with friends. Kinwai, who knows?
All of a sudden, they were interrupted by four normal university students. Melissa and Chris feel awkward. The writer contemplates how this story going and determines that this will be one long ass story, with no point, like most of the stories she writes.
Antonia explains that she is with her friends. The four university students feel as scared as Chris is staring at them and Melissa is just standing there writing in her notebook I mean doing nothing…no really.
While Antonia talks, one falls asleep; the others fall over, the remaining tow ogle Antonia. Kinwai feels jealous, but doesn’t appear so because he is good at hiding his feelings. One must wonder what goes on in the recesses of his mind, much like Chris, but we won’t go there. Although you can see something when you look in his eyes, a tiny flicker of light, the light of love, poor Kinwai.
Finally the four university students bugger off. Once they had arrive at McDonalds, Chris became a martyr and helped Melissa finish her mocha frappe, which she unintentionally bought. They sit outside at the silver metal table amongst curious onlookers.
“Melissa bought herself a frappe and she is unable to finish it and her pain is my pain,” said Chris, “and I have to sacrifice myself to save her from indigestion. I’m a martyr. Die you evil fiend.”
He stabs a straw into the cup. Ice slush sloshes out of the plastic cup.
“I want to make sweet sweet love to this frappe,” said Chris.
“Errr OK,” said Melissa.
“And I also want to make sweet sweet love to Gandhi,” said Chris between his frequent consumption of frappe.
“Well Gandhi doesn’t want to make sweet sweet love to you,” Melissa replied.
“Well Gandhi can go fuck herself,” Chris retorted.
He almost finishes the frappe.
“Don’t drink all of it,” Melissa wails.
“Oh no I’m falling in,” Chris screamed.
He grabs Melissa’s camera and dunks it in. The camera sparks and explodes.
“Oh no!” Antonia screams.
“That’s tops,” said Chris. He gives two thumbs up.
“No it isn’t Chris,” said Antonia. “You broke Melissa’s camera, shame shame on you.”
“Yeah sure it its tops Chris,” said Melissa. “Curse you.”
Kinwai was so deep in thought during this that he never even noticed any of the commotion. Why was Kinwai in such deep thought? As it was previously mentioned, He is in love with Antonia and his camera was broken. He has come to the conclusion that he needs a problem solver. A broken digital camera just won’t do.
Kinwai wanders off. The others pay no attention as Chris is busy being Chris and as of this very moment he is hiding under a table. Eventually after much psycho bantering between Melissa and Chris and Antonias sudden realization to the sudden disappearance of Kinwai, they leave, not just the messy table they were sitting at, but confused people.
Kinwai comes across a payphone He walks in he dials. He dials 1-800-I-NEED-HELP-RIGHT-NOW
The operator comes on:
“Welcome to problem solvers network. How can we help you?”
“If you want to solve a garbage problem, for example trash compactor problems, press 97233721, if you have a miscellaneous problem, such as broken digital camera, press 2726272628, if you have a fat problem, such as making frequent trips to the confectionary aisle at the supermarket press 3333 nine times, if you have a love problem press one.”
Now Kinwai definitely had a love problem, but he also had a miscellaneous problem, but he couldn’t remember the ridiculous code in which to dial so he pressed one.
Meanwhile across the Pacific Ocean, all the way to Montreal, the quarrelsome trio, Wild Will, Adventure Joe and John are fighting as usual. This time it’s because Wild Will is angry due to Joe’s discovery of his baby pictures.
“Ah ha,” said Joe. “I found Wild Wills puppy pictures.”
A picture of a cartoon can be seen.
“What the…” said Joe. “Since when is Wild Will a cartoon?”
“Hey where did you get that?” said Wild Will. “Tell me or I will eat you. Then I will throw the pictures into the fiery pits of dog hell. Mwhahahahahaha!’
“Umm…I found them,” said Joe. “Hey John come look at Wild Will’s baby photos.”
“Awhh,” said John. “There you are first being created.”
John points to a nerdy 18 year old girl writing in her note book, then to Wild Will sitting on a big yellow school bus.
“And there I am threatening to eat someone for the first time,” said Wild Will. He grins evilly. “Those were the days.”
“Oh look there’s your mom,” said John. “She is writing you down for the first time.”
“Mommy,” said Wild Will. “I love my Mommy.”
John and Joe look at Wild Will. This is a side of Wild Will I have never seen before, John thought.
“Well she is my Mummy too,” said Joe. “She created me as well.”
“Noooo,” said Wild Will.
“Why would my Mommy do this to me? Out of all the cruel and demented story lines,” Wild Will sobbed.
“Don’t worry Wild Will. She is my mom as well,” said John.
“Yeah only because she is basing you on her old journalism instructor, who is 6”5, except you don’t have a mustache or and Irish name,” said Wild Will.
“Wilson is an Irish name,” said John.
“In honour of her crazy math/science teacher?” said Wild Will.
“Guess what Joe? When you were invented you sounded like Guy Sebastian,” said Wild Will. “Mwhahahahahahahha!”
“Noooo,” said Joe. “I don’t know what is worse sounding like Guy Sebastian or Rove McManus.”
Writers note: There was a dove character that sang like Guy Sebastian, but Wild Will shot him with an air riffle. Unfortunately the writer didn’t think it was nice to write about animal cruelty, whether it was human vs. animal, animal vs. human or animal vs. animal. Wild Will laughs evilly at the memory of this. The tale of the doomed dove shall be told later, as of now a pink light flashes signifying a love problem.
“Oh dear God, not another love problem,” John whined.
Carma stands behind the desk.
“You know one of you is going to answer this don’t you?”
“Why don’t you answer it?” said Joe.
“Umm...that isn’t in my job description,” she replied.
“Actually it is,” said John.
“Yeah answer the phone or I will eat you,” added Wild Will.
“Puhlease!” she said.
“John, get Ruthless Roy for me,” Wild Will ordered.
“No not Ruthless Roy,” Carma cried.
“Then answered the phone,” said John.
“Fine, but I’m warning you, I’m sick of being the useless character that does f’ all,” Carma said.
“Hello Wild Will’s office Carma speaking,” she answered.
“Hello this is Kinwai,” said Kinwai.
“A problem solver will be with you in just a moment, please hold.”
“Here you go Joe,” she shoves the phone in the poor koala’s face.
“What?” said Joe. “I’m not answering it, here you go John.” He slides the phone to John, as he is perched on Johns shoulders.
“Hmm…” said John, “no way.” He throws the phone at Wild Will it makes a thud as it hits him in the face, so much for the writer’s stance on animal cruelty.
“Grr…” said Wild Will. “Fine, but your get the next one John.”
“Fine,” John sighs.
“Hello,” said Wild Will. “This is Wild Will, what do you want?”
Yes Kinwai is still on the line. He is really patient doctors love him.
“Hi this is Kinwai.”
“What’s you’re problem?” said Wild Will.
“You are,” said Joe.
“Not you No Balls, the guy on the phone,” Wild Will replied.
“Umm…actually I’m not sure, my camera is broken and the girl I love is leaving soon.”
“Does this girl love you?” said Wild Will.
“No, she is in love with some other guy.”
“Then give up and find some other girl, mwhaahahahahahah!”
“Wait,” said John, overhearing the conversation. “Is this an actual love problem?”
“Yes,” said Wild Will. “But he seems more concerned with his camera.”
“I think I can help and we may not even have to travel over there.”
“Really?” said Wild Will. He scratches his chin with his massively evil rottweiler paws.
“OK,” said Wild Will. “You have a go, you’re speaking with Kinwai.”
“Hello Kinwai,” said John. “This is John. I’m understanding that this is an actual love problem?”
“Yes and my camera, it is broken,” said Kinwai.
“The girl you love is leaving. I think your Kodak Easy Share digital camera is hardly the problem.”
“How did you know what kind it was?” Kinwai asked.
“Lucky guess?” said John. “Listen, she is from Hong Kong as well right?”
“How did you know we’re from Hong Kong?”
“Shut up! I’m psychic,” John replied.
“What’s this girls name anyway? Is it Antonia?”
“Yes,” said Kinwai. “How did you know?”
“The writer told him,” said Joe. “How else?”
“The writer, who would that be?” said Kinwai.
“That’s classified,” said John, “which means I don’t know but I want to sound like I actually do.”
“Umm…OK,” said Kinwai.
“So anyways dude, what you have to doe is steal her passport,” said John.
“That’s it?” said Kinwai.
“Well you could buy her some flowers,” said Joe.
“Or lock her in your cupboard,” said Wild Will.
“You’re sick,” said Joe. He furrows his eyebrows. “If I had a shoe, I’d throw it at you.”
“I do,” said Carma. She hand it over to Joe. He eagerly throws it at Wild Will. It bounces off his box shaped head.
“Owe!” said Wild Will. “You’re going to the sausage factory, you piss ant little fucker.”
“Wild Will we have someone on the line, watch your language,” said Carma.
“Weight watchers,” said Wild Will. He laughs evilly. Carma bursts into tears.
“Urhg, you guys keep it down,” said John. “I’m busy here.”
“Sorry about that Kinwai,” John continues. “As I was saying if you take her passport then she can’t leave the country.”
“I already thought of that!” said Kinwai. “It’s a matter of distracting her.”
“Ummm hmmm…” said John. “You could use some friends to distract her.”
“I guess,” said Kinwai.
“Ummm…distract her by some sort of diversion. Are you right?” said John. “Or do you need our assistance?”
“No!” said Kinwai.
Kinwai was much to smart for this. To smart for this story in fact. So he hung up in anger. Staring across from him were his friends, Antonia, Chris and Melissa.
“What are you doing Kinwai?” said Antonia.
“Hmm…yes Kinwai, what are you doing?” said Chris. “Was it Amy? Did she convince you it was good?”
Melissa says nothing she knew what Kinwai was doing.
“Umm…calling for pizza?” said Kinwai. “But it will take too long so I change my mind.”
“Uh huh,” said Melissa. The quartet walk back to Antonia’s.
A problem unsolved or so it seemed at the time. Kinwai and Antonia walk side by side. All of a sudden an ominous rottweiler appears from the shadows. Good old Wild Will. John sent him as a quick diversion on suggestion from Adventure Joe…who needed time to poison his vegetarian dog food.
Chris and Antonia see this as a malicious man eating attack. They run away, followed by Melissa. Kinwai was more concerned about his camera.Chris falls over into a ditch screaming. Melissa loses her breath because she thought about her friend Carol and Melissa remembered that she was fat. Antonia stops in her tracks she sees Wild Will rise in the air with his jet pack.
“I left you a going away present Antonia,” said Wild Will. “Mwhahahahahaha.”
“That’s not very nice,” said Melissa. “Well I’m not cleaning it up. Hey wait it’s a digital camera.”
“Bye Mommy,” said Wild Will. “By the way John said ‘Good luck Kinwai’ and I’m giving you a camera as a memento.”
“Since when are you so nice?” said Melissa.
“Hey, yeah since when am I so nice?” said Wild Will. “Oh well I must go vegetables to eat, people to threaten.” He blasts off, all that is left is a fiery trail.
Antonia is mystified by the flying talking rottweiler. Melissa is amused by Wild Wills antics and Chris is in a state of shock, because kangaroos and koalas can’t procreate. It was during this bizarre commotion, that Kinwai quickly steals Antonia’s passport. It was weeks latter, until she realised this.

© Melissa Canadian 2006 All rights reserved.

The story that no one will understand unless you are the writer. Or possible Amy or Chris or Antonia or Me or Wild Will... Part 4

Wild Will and Melissa the Writer vs. Justin and Joan P.S. Ruthless Roy

Jill was a short blonde girl, the kind that made you jealous. It wasn’t because Jill was pretty. It was because she had style and confidence. This caused a problem for Maria because she only saw Jill’s bad qualities. Jill was extroverted, loud, lively, the parallel opposite of Maria. Maria was tall, kind of frumpy, sarcastic and witty, with a mean streak.
Then there was Jack he was the male version of Jill. He annoyed Melissa I mean Maria by he constant points about the Australian way, which really wasn’t the way. It was peanut butter on stale bread.
Now Jack liked Jill. Maria unfortunately kind of liked Jack, but not really. Jack and Jill made Maria’s life miserable. Jack and Jill had to go she needed a problem solver. A problem solver helped, listened and anything and everything was solved.
It was late Saturday afternoon. Maria was slumped in the chair by the telephone. Jill lay on the couch beside her while Jack attempted to be nice to Melissa I mean Maria out of politeness, but his intentions were for Jill. Today was the day Maria had enough. She picked up the telephone. She dials inconspicuously as not to let Jack and Jill know what she was up too.
She dials 1-800-I-NEED-HELP-RIGHT-NOW
The operator comes on.
“Welcome to problem solvers network. How can we help you?”
“If you want to solve a garbage problem press33998723, if you have a miscellaneous problem to press 2798665, if you have a love problem press one , if you have a fat problem press 3000 three times..”
Obviously Maria had a miscellaneous problem not a love problem, but she was too lazy to press 2798665 so she pressed 1. Across town a pink light flashes, “beep, beep, beep”
“Oh no it’s a love problem,” said Carma a chubby girl with brown hair and eyes.
“Grr…,” said Wild Will, a beastly Rottweiler. “I hope I don’t have to eat a blonde again, you know how they upset my stomach.”
“Oh Wild Will, just threaten to eat her. She’ll get the message.
“’Nah I’ll send Ruthless Roy.”
Ruthless Roy was Wild Wills little brother. He was ten times more vicious and when he says he’ll eat you he actually will.
“Beep, beep, beep.”
“Answer the problem already,” said Carma.
“Fine,” said Wild Will. “Don’t order me or I will eat you.”
“Oh Wild Will you’re one of a kind,” said Carma she flashes a smile.
“Put the speaker on,” Wild Will commanded.
“Hello,” said a child like voice.. “I have a problem.”
“What is it?” said Wild Will. “You better not be another eight year old.”
“I’m twenty one,” she replied. “My problem is I am kind of sort of having problems with my flatmates they are getting on my nerves.”
“Elaborate,” said Wild Will.
“Well one is in love with himself and the other she won’t shut up. She talks when I am talking, when no one is talking, when everyone is talking and its always about total shit.”
Carma rolls her eyes. Good grief she thought why doesn’t she just move out?
“She already did,” said the writer. “This story takes place before she moves out, before her friends go insane.”
“What?” said Carma she looks around the office.
“Ummm…. Disregard that last comment,” said the writer. “The voice you are hearing is just a figment of your imagination. Oooooohhhhhh, P.S. Ruthless Roy.”
“Wow that is a problem,” said Wild Will. “I’ll be on my way. By the way who am I speaking with?”
“Melissa I mean Maria.”
Wild Will hangs up the phone he turns to Carma. She sits at the desk forlorn and bored.
“Page Ruthless Roy. Tell him I am waiting for him at back entrance,” said Wild Will.
“What about John and Joe?” asked Carma.
“Screw them!” said Wild Will. “John has taken Joe to Vancouver so Joe can learn to speak Canadian.”
“Oh, can I come,” said Carma.
“No Carma you have to be bilingual,” said Wild Will. “I’m going to Australia. You can’t go there speaking Canadian can you?”
“But I am sick of waiting here at the office,” said Carma.
“Well what happens if my friend Frostbite shows up or Reds parents,” said Wild Will. “Someone has to tell them about the giraffe.”
“You’re a jack ass,” said Carma.
“What? Two minutes ago. I was one of kind, now I am a jack ass?” said Wild Will.
“You’re a one of kind jack ass,” said Carma.
Wild Will starts to get annoyed. “Fine! I’m a one of a kind jack ass.” He trots out and laughs evilly, “Mwhahahahahahah!”
Carma stands there at the desk. She pouts.
“WILD WILL I QUIT!”
“FINE!” said Wild Will from the hallway, “but before you go tell Ruthless Roy to meet me at the back entrance.”
Carma sighs.
“FINE!” she screams.
A moment has passed Carma is still fuming, yet she calls Ruthless Roy.
“Heloooo,” said Ruthless Roy.
“Wild Will wants you to meet him at the back entrance,” said Carma. She hangs up the phone. She has done her part. Now she shall leave never to be seen again….or so she thinks.
“Why does Wild Will want me?” said Ruthless Roy.
There was silence.
“Hello?” he said.
Still silence. Now Ruthless Roy wasn’t stupid so he figured he should hightail it to the back entrance.
He arrives at the back entrance. Wild Will is waiting for him.
“Hello,” said Wild Will.
“What is it this time?” Ruthless Roy growled evilly.
“Love problem I think it calls for Lunch disposal.”
“Wonderful,” said Ruthless Roy.
Wild Will and Ruthless Roy strap on their jet packs and blast of the silver platform. The sky zips by them, flying around buildings as they wiz by. The Rottweilers arrive at an ugly bungalow. They knock on the door they figure rudeness was necessary for a love problem. The reason: Wild Will and Ruthless Roy knock on the door is because people have to stop what they are doing to answer it, which the rottweilers interpreted as rude.
“Hello?” said a voice. The door creaks opens.
“Hallo you’re so pretty,” said Wild Will.
“Yes so very pretty,” said Ruthless Roy.
Jill burst into tears and then screams. For Wild Will ugly meant pretty and pretty meant ugly, but that wasn’t the reason. The reason Jill was crying and screaming? To her rottweilers whether they talk or not, meant death pain and humiliation. She once had a bad run in with a rottweiler named Glumps, who bit her and ran off with her pet rabbit Toby.
“Curse you Glumps,” she screams.
“May we please come in?” said Wild Will rudely.
The door slams in their faces.
“Ahhhha, rotty’s are evil and rude and scary ahhha,” said Jill.
“Alright, that was not nice. Let us in,” said Wild Will.
The door opens. It was Melissa, I mean Maria. She stands there gleefully.
“You must be Wild Will?” she said.
“Melissa?” said Wild Will. “Not again. I have had enough of you and your A.E.S.M. friends.”
“For purposes only known to the writer and her A.E.S.M friends, my name is Maria.”
“Why?” said Wild Will.
“Because the writer said so,” said Melissa. She is holding a notepad and pen. She looks at it.
“What I am not the writer.” She tosses the notepad and pen, a dozen vicious rats come and tear the notepad a part. The pen rolls under the wicker couch.
“Psst. Writer,” said Ruthless Roy.
“Yes,” said the writer, who was really Melissa, but is known as Maria.
“What’s the A.E.S.M?”
“The Alien Ethnic Society and Melissa,” said Melissa.
“OK writer what is Jill’s real name?” said Ruthless Roy.
“Joan,” said Melissa.
“Ah ha,” said Wild Will. “Now I know why you wrote short blonde and annoying.”
“Ummm…I’m not the writer,” said Melissa, known as Maria.
Joan I mean Jill can be hear sobbing in the background.
“Ahhhha rotty’s scare me.”
“Stop calling us rottys. We’re called rottweilers,” said Wild Will, “or I will eat you.”
“Aren’t you a vegetarian?” said Maria.
“Who told you that?” said Wild Will.
“The writer…I mean John,” said Maria.
“John?” said Wild Will. “He is such a useless character.”
“Since I am talking to the writer…” started Wild Will.
“I’M NOT THE WRITER!” said Melissa I mean Maria.
She throws the note pad and pen across the room. They bounce of the wall, the note book kills the rats.
“Alright, lets get this over with,” said Wild Will. “Maria likes Jack but, Jack likes Jill.”
“Jill also gets on Maria’s nerves,” added Ruthless Roy.
“That’s exactly it,” said Maria. “Except I don’t like Jack”
“Who would?” said Wild Will. “By the way is Jack’s name Justin?”
“Uh…yes, but for reasons only known to the writer, his name is Jack.”
“So why is he wearing a shirt that says Justin?” said Ruthless Roy.
“Because he is umm,” said Maria. “Gosh I have no idea why. I don’t remember writing that…I mean he is an idiot.”
“No I’m not an idiot. My name is Justin,” said Jack.
“No its Jack.”
“Justin!”
“Jack!”
“OK why is it Jack?”
“Because the writer says so, she is the creator of this universe and she can do what ever she wants including naming you Jack and Joan Jill. One more peep out of you and I’ll make so Ruthless Roy eats both of you and have an insane polar bear come and destroy this obscenely ugly house with a chain saw.”
“Not the writer eh?” said Ruthless Roy.
“Noooo,” said Maria. “She’s a…hey look over there!” She runs over to the table and starts to write on her laptop a horribly hilarious scene in which Jack and Jill meet their demise on a hill and Ruthless Roy comes after them.”
“Hey writer!” said Wild Will. “Can you un-create Joe?”
“Noooo, I like Joe,” said Melissa, yes Melissa not Maria.
“Can you un-create Chris?” said Wild Will.
“Noooo, he’s a real person and my friend so piss off!”
“What’s going on here?” said Jack, ah forget it Justin.
“Make the rottys leave,” said Joan.
“Noooo,” said Melissa. “I’m the writer. I’ll do what I want too. I mean I am not the writer.”
“What a second…are you making fun of us?” said Justin.
He reads Melissa’s story over her shoulder. She slams her arms over her laptop protectively.
“Haven’t you ever heard of privacy Mr. I read peoples journals and MSN conversations,” said Melissa. “That’s right Joan. He read your journal. Mwhahahahahahahaha!”
Ruthless Roy and Wild Will look at Justin. Geeze he is dumb thought Ruthless Roy. Iucking fidiot, thought Wild Will.
“Noooo,” I didn’t,” said Justin.
“Mel…why are you writing a mean story about us? I thought you were are friend,” said Joan.
“Stop reading my note book,” said Melissa. “I’m not the writer.”
She pushes her laptop off the table it lands with a clunk on the stone floor. It bursts into flames.
“Really, it’s pretty evident that you are,” said Wild Will.
“Shut up!” said Melissa. “Or I will find a way to write Chris in the story.”
“You write him in and I’ll eat you,” said Wild Will.
“Mel…” said Joan.
“ITS MELISSA It’s only three syllables its not that hard to say. I don’t want to be called Mel,” said Melissa. “No keep quiet or I have you turn a wild bore with no sense of smell and a love of curious cats.”
“Yeah,” said Wild Will. “Call her Melissa or Ruthless Roy will eat you.”
“Yeah,” said Ruthless Roy. “I will eat you.”
“Listen,” said Justin. “Aussies abbreviate names. Everyone calls people named Melissa…Mel.”
“Yeah and most Aussies are smart enough to listen when someone says they don’t want to be called Mel,” said Melissa. “Like Amy and Chris.”
Chris, Melissa’s elusive friend waltz’s in the door.”
“Hi Melissa,” he said.
She starts to go up the stairs.
“Nooooo Chris!” said Wild Will. “He torments me, my rottweiler soul howls in pain.”
“CK, CK!” said Joan.
“Uh Chris, what are you doing here?” said Melissa. She looks around inconspicuously.
“Who is Chris?” said Ruthless Roy.
Melissa shows Ruthless Roy a story about Chris in another notebook.
“Oh OK,” he replied.
“Umm I don’t know. Hey look over there.” Chris runs out the door.
Ruthless Roy looks at Melissa. “I’m confused why did he just show up?”
“I don’t know,” said Melissa. “I am just showing how powerful I am as the writer.”
“So you are the writer,” said Wild Will.
“Yes I am the writer,” said Melissa. “But don’t tell anyone or I will erase you from existence.”
“All hale the great writer,” said Ruthless Roy.
“Stop it,” “said Melissa. “I get embarrassed when people praise me.”
“Umm…I’m a rottweiler,” said Ruthless Roy.
“Ah yes them too,” said Melissa.
“Would you hurry up and end this story,” said Wild Will. “I’m hungry I eat writers. Grrrr…”
“Noooo, you don’t,” said Melissa. “Wild Will does not eat writers because without a writer there be no Wild Will.”
“Fair enough,” said Wild Will, “Mommy.”
“OK I will end the story but not before I tell Joan that…” said Melissa. “Wait a second did you just call me Mommy?”
“Tell me what?” said Joan.
“That no one likes you. Ahhahahahaha,” said Wild Will. “How’s that Mommy. Am I being meaner now?”
“Uh yes perfectly mean,” said Melissa. “Thank you Wild Will. I mean my surrogate character in the form of a rottweiler.”
“Yes they do,” said Joan. “I have heaps of friends.”
Joan looks like she is on the brink of tears.
Awkward silence.
“I don’t believe you,” Joan shouts. She cries uncontrollably, while Justin is stands in the room dumbfounded.
“OK, so how does this wonderfully mean story end Mommy?” said Wild Will. He grins happily.
“Ummm…like this,” said Melissa. “Justin. Joan. Run!”
“Why Mel why?” Joan whines in a high pitch. The rottweilers howl in pain. Sorry rottweilers that’s just how it has to be.
The sinister Ruthless Roy has had enough of Justin and Joan. So he and Wild Will chase them to a hill. They go tumbling down a hill like Jack and Jill and Ruthless Roy goes running after them. The end. Oh yes and Frostbite, Wild Wills elusive polar bear friend came to destroy the ugly house with a chainsaw. He brings a friend, a friend named Chris.
“Noooo,” said Wild Will. “You stole my friend.”
“Yes, yes I did,” said Chris. “The writer convinced me it was good.”
“Curse you Melissa the Writer,” said Wild Will. “I am going to eat you.”

© Melissa Canadian 2006 All rights reserved.

The story that no one will understand unless you are Amy or Chris or Antonia or Me or Wild Will... Part 3

Antonia French and the 12 Dozen Singing Koalaroos
(You’re so Antonia I bet you think this story is about you.)

The sirens blare, the ambulance races down the street. Melissa lies on the bed. She was bit by a psycho, rabid, demented, talking dog rottweiler.
“Owe, my leg,” said Melissa. “Her right leg was swollen and bleeding from the evil Wild Will.
Antonia looks after Melissa, but she is more concerned about her passport and the fact she may have drank Chris’s poison lemonade.
They arrive at the hospital. The doctors were puzzled by Melissa’s condition. She was starting to grow fur and threatening to eat people.
Dr. Harrison the smartest doctor present, decided that she should stay overnight for observation, while he met with other doctors to discuss her condition. It was also arranged that security made sure that evil dread journalists, who are about as trusted as used car sales men, didn’t find out.
While the doctors cared for Melissa, Antonia calls Kinwai and berates him for stealing her passport.
“Oh c’mon Antonia it’s only because I love,” said Kinwai on the phone.
They start to shout at each other in Cantonese, while confused people in the outpatients look on curiously. After much debate Kinwai agreed to give Antonia her passport back.

Antonia decides to visit Melissa while she waits, which she thinks will be forever, this is because Antonia has had contact with Melissa that they are now in quarantine, due to the fact that Melissa just, like a werewolf would is changing into not only a dog, but a rottweiler. So actually she never had a choice in the matter.
They sit together in silence. Melissa is lying on the hospital bed, while Antonia sits in the grey hospital chair beside her.
“Curse you Wild Will,” said Antonia. “You have brought great pain on my friend.”
“Whoo! Look I have a tail,” said Melissa. “And it wags. Yay!”
“Why?” said Antonia. “Why must my friend turn into a dog?”
“Because the writer wants her too,” said Melissa.
Melissa is holding a notepad and pen. Antonia looks at her and tilts her head in confusion.
“What?” I’m not the writer,” said Melissa. She throws the notepad and pen to the floor.
“Why would I turn myself into a dog?”
“Well,” said Antonia it appears that you are turning into a rottweiler.”
“A rottweiler? Is it really that obvious? Noooo…I mean right on!” said Melissa. “I have fangs, big ugly sharp fangs.”
Antonia feels frightened. What has become of Melissa and where is Amy? Surely she would be here for her friend in need.
“Melissa,” said Antonia. “Where is Amy?”
“With Raul,” said Melissa. “Raul Raul, I want to eat Raul.”
“Noooo,” said Antonia. “That would be bad.”
Melissa eyes some chicken which was brought in previously by a disgruntled straight forward nurse, named Louie, also known as Melissa’s flatmate.
“Can I have that piece of chicken over there?” said Melissa.
“Sure sure,” said Antonia. She delicately takes a piece of chicken off the white plate that sits on the brown tray. She hands the piece of chicken over to Melissa.
Perhaps this will make her feel better, thought Antonia in Cantonese.
“Blech,” said Melissa. “Chicken meat, chicken, yuck, must have vegetables!””Oh no,” said Antonia. “This is very serious.”
This calls for a problem solver. And just like Melissa out smarted the evil murderous Chris, Antonia called the problem solvers network. She picks up the phone in hospital room.
She dials 1-800-I-NEED-HELP-RIGHT-NOW
The operator comes on.
“Welcome to problem solvers network. How can we help you?”
“If you want to solve a garbage problem, such as a plethora of serviettes and popsicle sticks press 937217, if you have a miscellaneous problem, such as a missing passport or you’re friend is changing into an animal press 2727262687, if you have a fat problem, such as an addiction to McDonalds press 7000 twelve times, if you have a love problem press one.”
Now Antonia knew it was a miscellaneous problem. And she remembered to write the obscenely long code down, by grabbing the previously discarded pen and notebook, distastefully banished by the writer… I mean Melissa the writer… I mean Melissa who is not the writer. She writes down 2727262687, and then pressed the buttons accordingly with the menu.
All the way across the Atlantic Ocean, all the way to Greenland a purple light flashes. A polar bear, not Frostbite, is sitting knitting (ironically enough)Frostbite a toque, which is a Canadian hat. He is surprised by the sudden flashing of the light.
“An actually problem? What am I going to do?” He picks up the phone promptly.
“Allo Allo,” said the polar bear, he has an Italian accent. “This is Gregorio Stupendo.”
“Hello this is Chris French, no sorry I am Antonia French,” said Antonia.
“How can I assist you today Antonia French?”
“My passport is missing due to a love sick friend and my Russian Canadian friend is turning into a dog.”
“What kind of dog?’
“A rottweiler.”
“How did this happen?”
“A talking rottweiler bit her then laughed evilly, then threw up because she made him sick. I think he may have been allergic.”
“Is his name Wild Will by any chance?”
“Yes yes you got it right,” said Antonia. “How did you know.”
“Lucky Guess.”
“Can you solve my problem?”
“Nope,” said Gregorio. “I haven’t solved a problem in my life.”
“Then what was the point of calling then?” said Antonia. She curses at him in Cantonese.
Meanwhile Melissa was starting to acquire similarities to a rottweiler. A box shaped head, shot black fur and a tanned underbelly.
“Look,” said Gregorio, “I don’t know Cantonese, but your free to curse at me in Mandarin if you want. You know what, I’ll patch you through to people I know can help.”
“Sure sure,” said Antonia.
Not far way, in the country of Canada, in the province of Quebec, in city of Montreal, a white light flashes. Joe picks up the phone.
“Hellloooo,” said Joe.
“Allo Allo,” said Gregorio. “I have a problem for you.”
“Why do I want another problem? I already have one, his name is Wild Will.
“Actually that is the problem,” said Gregorio.
“I knew it,” said Joe, “stupid beastly rottweiler.”
Wild Will, over hearing the conversation, looks at Joe.
“Shut up Joe,” said Wild Will, “or I will eat you.”
“OK I am transferring you over now,” said Gregorio.
“No wait,” said Joe. But before he could protest Antonia was now on the line.
“Hello,” said Antonia.
“Hello,” said Joe.
“Can you help me? My Russian Canadian Friend Melissa is turning into a rottweiler.”
“You’re friend is turning into a rottweiler?” said Joe.
“I don’t see a problem with that,’ said Wild Will.
“I do,” said Joe.
“The more the merrier,” said Wild Will. “Mwhahahahahaha!”
“John walks in the office after a disastrous date with a woman called Love… I mean Carma…Yes John went on a date with Carma, who will now be know as Carma.
“How did this happen?” Joe asked Antonia.
“Tell her it is not a problem,” said Wild Will. “Rottweilers are good.”
“Well of course you would say that. You are one,” said Joe.
“What’s going on?” said John.
“I’ve got a girl on the line that says her friend Melissa is turning into a rottweiler,” said Joe.
“Is she hot?” said Wild Will.
“Melissa?” said John. “Isn’t she that girl you bit in order to save her from her murderous flatmate Chris?”
“Yeah the one who should have dialled 000,” added Joe.
“Oh yeah,” said Wild Will. “This isn’t the first time this has happened.”
“Do you have an anecdote?” asked Joe.
“Noooo,” said Wild Will. “Let’s go and see the hot girl rottweiler.”
“How do you know she is hot?” said John.
“Never you mind,” said Wild Will, “or I will eat you.”
“Sure you will,” said John.
“Will be on are way dear sweet Antonia,’ said Joe. He hangs up the phone.
The quarrelsome trio leave before they start fighting…before they have dinner…before Joe looks for his missing…ah never mind.
Back in the hospital in little old Rockhampton Australia, Melissa has almost completely transformed into a rottweiler.
“Noooo,” said Antonia. “I don’t want Melissa to be dog.”
“Neither do I!” said Amy, I mean Amelia, not wait Aishwarya Patil Padama India or Appi for short, who now goes by Amy again.
“Amy?” said Antonia. “You’re here?”
“Yes I was watching the news, when I saw our Italian, Russian French house in bits. They said a crazy polar bear destroyed it,” said Amy. “Oh Antonia I was so scared. The doctors called me and told me I had to be put in quarantine because of Melissa’s mysterious condition.”
“Me too,” said Antonia.
“Wait aren’t you supposed to be in Hong Kong?” said Amy.
“Aren’t you supposed to be in Canberra?” said Antonia.
“Aren’t you supposed to be married to Raul, the clone of Yogi?” said Melissa.
“Ah, he melted,” said Amy. “He just had to stand in the sun and drink grape juice.”
“Kinwai hid my passport?” said Antonia.
“Oh no,” said Amy. “He hid it on you? I reckon he must really like you.”
“Hey look at me, I’m a dog now,” said Melissa.
“Where is Melissa?” said Amy.
“Right there,” said Antonia.
“Oh no,” said Amy. “Kinwai hid your passport. He must really like you.”
“Yes but,” said Antonia, “Melissa is a dog.”
“Melissa is a dog?” said Amy. “Nawh I reckon she should stop putting herself down.”
“No dog as in dog, not ugliness,” said Antonia.
“Put me down?” said Melissa. “Appi! You wouldn’t do that?”
“I changed it back to Amy. The lemonade Chris gave me disillusioned me,” said Amy. “It was terrible.”
“Oh no Chris,” said Antonia.
“The three girls, I mean two girls and the rottweiler look behind their backs still fearful of Chris and the previous incident.
“Relax he isn’t here,” said Amy. “It’s just the hospital beds and the diffibularators and the windows with a koala looking through it.”
“What is a diffibularator?” said Melissa.
“Ah koalas,” said Antonia happily. She jumps up and down. “They are so cute, cute, cute, cute. I love koalas.
A shadow appears behind the two girls, plus newly transformed rottweiler. Standing in the door way was John.
“Oh my, she is a rottweiler.”
“Is she hot?” said Wild Will.
“Uh yeah sure,” said John.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” said Melissa. “Are you saying I am ugly?”
“No I’m saying I don’t look at dogs that way,” said John. “It’s called bestiality.”
“Oh OK,” said Melissa.
“Haven’t we met before?” said Amy.
“Yeah,” said John. “Aishwarya Patil Padama India right?”
“No Amy,” said Amy. “I changed it back.”
Joe’s face is pressed against the window. He looks in. Ah Antonia, she is the most beautiful human I have ever seen.
“Oh no,” said Amy. “Kinwai hid your passport. I reckon he really likes you.”
“You’ve said that three times,” said Antonia.
“Yeah and you seem oblivious to the fact that your friend Melissa has turned into a rottweiler,” said John.
“Johnnnn,” said Wild Will. “Open the window. I want to see.”
“You’re not allowed in,” said John.
“Don’t argue, just do it.”
John sighs. He opens the window. Wild Will travels in with his jet pack. Joe climbs in and sits on the windowsill.
“Helloooo beautiful,” said Wild Will.
Melissa smiles her new dog smile. “Oh thank you,” she gushes.
“Not you,” said Wild Will, “Antonia.”
“Me?” said Antonia. She points at herself.
“Oh yeah, your friend Kinwai gave me your passport back. He told me to give it to you.”
“Oh,” said Antonia. “What a relief.”
“Yeah he would have brought it personally but he had an extremely hard time letting you go. I mean letting it go, the passport I mean,” said John.
Antonia inspects her passport. It appears to be intact and in fact her actual passport.
Silence ensues, six eyes on six, Amy, Antonia and Melissa versus John, Joe and Wild Will. All of a sudden music can be heard.
“La la la la la la,” a dog like creature sings. “Loo loo loo loo loo.”
“What he heck is that?’ said Amy.
“Koalaroos!” said Joe. “’They have come to sing for you, Antonia.”
“The twelve dozen singing koalroos?” said John.
Wild Will sighs, “What are those morons doing here?”
“Oh oh oh,” said Antonia. “Koalaroos! So cute cute cute.”
“Ah that’s right,” said Wild Will. “They look like deformed rats.”
“Hey! Those are my kids you’re talking about,” said Joe.
“So,” said John. “How are we going to solve Melissa’s problem?”
“Marry her and make rottweiler babies with her,” said Wild Will. “Melissa I was so over come with you when I first met you at the Italian Russian French house.
“You’re sick Wild Will!” said Joe.
“And you have insert: explicit word here,” said Wild Will.
“Do too,” said Joe. “Oh no my insert: explicit word here are gone.”
“Ah, should we blame this on the writer?” said John.
Melissa the rottweiler is standing over a notepad with a pen.
“What! I’m not the writer.” She pees on the notebook and burros it under the pillows like a dog would. “Why would the writer do such a mean thing to Joe?”
“Awh,” said Amy. “Kinwai hid your passport so you couldn’t leave its so romantic Antonia.”
“You’ve already said that,” said Wild Will. “I think I am going to eat you.”
“Noooo,” said Melissa. “Don’t eat my friend. I’m taken with you as well. Since I invented you, I mean met you at the old Italian Russian French house.”
“Really?” said Wild Will.
“Really?” said Antonia.
“Really,” said Amy. “Kinwai hid your passport.”
Everyone looks at Amy.
“Amy,” said Antonia. “John made Kinwai give me my passport back.”
“Wait! You know Kinwai?” said Melissa.
“Yeah we know Kinwai,” said Wild Will. “He called with a love problem a couple of months ago.”
“I didn’t make him give it back to you,” said John. “I told him that he should wait till he went back to Hong Kong.”
“That friendship is just as wonderful and beautiful,” said Joe.
“Urgh…I hate sentimental crap,” said Wild Will. “I told him to give up and find some other girl mwhahahahahaha!”
“Wild Will I love you,” said Melissa.
“I do too Melissa,” said Wild Will. “If you wasn’t for you writing about me I wouldn’t be here.”
The notepad slips off the bed. The pen rolls across the floor.
“What?” said Melissa. “I’m not the writer, nor did I create you.”
“Then what is the meaning of this madness?” said John. “Why does Wild Will talk? Why is Joe preoccupied with his you know what? Why am I 7’3?’
“Genetics?” said Melissa. “Wild Will you’re my cult figure.”
“Hey I said that!” said Amy.
“Shut up!” said Melissa. “Wild Will is my imaginary dog hero.”
“Imaginary?” said Wild Will. He licks himself, looks in the mirror across the room. I am not imaginary he thought.
“No worries Wild Will, that is rule 10 of the A.E.S.M statement of principles,” said Melissa. “Imaginary means make believe and since you are made and believed you’re not imaginary.”
“Oh I get it. I think therefore I exist,” said Wild Will.
“I guess,” said Melissa.
“What the?” said Joe.
“Right,” said John.
“Joe is copying Rove McManus,” said Amy.
“Rove McManus,” said Wild Will. “Sounds like a TV host. I eat TV hosts.”
“Maybe because he is one,” said Melissa. “And it would be appreciated it you ate him or at least threatened too or had John stomp on him, since he is just a little guy.”
“How the insert:explicit word here are we supposed to know he is,” said Wild Will. “We’re from Canada.”
“So I am,” said Melissa. “I just happen to be able to watch Australian Television, due to the fact that I am going crazy from studying here and spending obscene amounts of money. What else am I supposed to do on a Tuesday night?”
“Stomp on who?” said John. “Joe or Rove McManus.”
“Rove you idiot,” said Joe.
“Well you said little guy,” said John. By the way, what do I sound like? What do I look like?” said John.
“Leave that to the reader,” said Melissa.
Awkward silence… “Lee lee lee lee lee,” sing the koalaroos.
Amy has an epiphany Melissa is the writer, she is just too stubborn to admit it. This explains why she and Antonia are acting out of character. This must be a Antonia story it’s free of swears.
“Oh my goodness,” said Amy. “This is all figments of Melissa’s imagination? And Antonia really hasn’t lost her passport and she is really in Hong Kong and I am in Canberra free from boring old Rocky? And Melissa is all by herself writing utterly bizarre stories about Antonia, Chris and I.”
“Noooo,” said Melissa. “I’m not the writer.” She eats the note book and pen. Blue ink runs down her face.
A moment of silence passes and yet again six eyes on six, you know the drill.
“La la la la la la la la,” sing the koalaroos.
“Amy,” said Antonia. “I have my passport.” She shows Amy her passport. Amy grabs it and runs.
“Ahahahaha, now you can never leave,” said Amy. “You’ll never catch me. I am the gingerbread man I mean gingerbread woman or should I be politically correct and say gingerbread person.”
“Oh no,” said Antonia. “My passport!”
Melissa runs after Amy and snatches Antonia’s passport just before Amy was out of sight.
“Here you go Antonia,” said Melissa. She has the passport in her mouth. It was covered in dog drool, pen ink and Amy’s tears. Poor Amy!
“Oh thank you Melissa,” said Antonia. “You are so sweet.”
Antonia goes to grab it. Melissa backs up.
“Wait Antonia,” said Melissa. “If you want your passport back you have to A: keep in contact with Kinwai and all of your A.E.S.M friends and B: you have to take Joe with you.”
“OK sure,” said Antonia. “Why do I have to take Joe?”
“Because he annoys her sweet, lovey dovey rotty love doggy smoo,” said John. “Joe accent sucks.”
They all look at John.
“I mean I get to have Joe. He is so cute cute cute. I love his little Australian accent,” said Antonia.
“That’s basically it, without all the romantic stuff,” said Melissa. “Oh yeah it’s not Joe’s fault that he sounds like Rove McManus. It’s the writer and creator, which I am not.”
“Rove McManus, why do I have sound like him?” said Joe.
“Didn’t I just why?” said Melissa. “If you don’t smarten up I will un create you and write a billion Wild Will stories without you, if I were the writer that is.”
“What you’re pawning me off?” said Joe. “Oh yeah, you’re obsessed with Rove aren’t you?”
“Yep!” said Melissa. “Besides Antonia will be nicer too you…no more stupid problems…no more jokes about your masculinity…your choice in species…no more Australian television.”
“What if my friends don’t want me to go,” said Joe.
“What friends?” said Wild Will.
“Good bye Joe,” said John.
“Traitors!” said Joe.
Melissa lets Antonia have her passport. Antonia scoops up Joe from the windowsill.
“Now I have a souvenir,” said Antonia. And she walks out of the room Joe struggling the whole way.
“Nooooo!” said Joe. “I am being koalanaped and I sound like Rove McManus.”
“What’s your problem Joe? It was written about ten million paragraphs ago that you thought Antonia was the most beautiful human you have ever seen,” said Melissa. “And you had your annoying koalaroos sing for her.”

"Say hello to your mum for me!" Joes screams as he is being dragged down the hallway.
“How’s she going to get him on the plane?” asked John changing the subject. “What do I sound like? What look like?”
“Don’t know, don’t care,” said Melissa. “Don't you know what you look like? C’mon Wild Will, lets boogie.”
“Yes Melissa,” said Wild Will, “lets.”
The two rottweilers trot off.
“Who do I sound like?” said Wild Will.
“Don Cherry,” said Melissa.
“Don Cherry,” said Wild Will. “Right on!” Wild Will is happy, he sounds like the famous CBC sports guy, on Hockey Night In Canada.
“La la la la la la la la,” sing the koalaroos.
John stands there, puzzled. “Wait! Don’t leave without me,” said John. “Curse you Melissa you stole my friend.”
Dr Harrison walks in the hospital room. He looks in with curiosity.
“Where are Melissa and that beautiful Chinese French girl Antonia?”
Too bad he thought I had the anecdote. It is pen ink.
“La la la, loo loo loo, lee lee lee,” sing the koalaroos. “Theeeee ennnnddd. La la la”

© Melissa Canadian 2006 All rights reserved.

My story ideas are like nooninooninooninoo!

Normally I don’t share my stories until they are written but I felt today was an exception. I need my friends advice. Will I insult Antonia by the following story line?

Story plot for my story about Antonia: This happens after the story You’re so Chris. Melissa (that’s me), accompanied by Antonia is taken to the hospital, where Melissa is over come by a strange illness brought on by her previous encounter with Wild Will. Amy returns after she realizes her dream to be a Bollywood star was brought on by poison lemonade made by Chris. (Sorry Amy) John, Joe and Wild Will visit Melissa in the hospital in hopes they can solve her problem. Because animals are not allowed in the hospital Joe and Wild Will must wait outside. In order to comfort Melissa, Amy and Antonia, Joe calls on the help of the singing group The Twelve Dozen Dogs, who are actually koalaroos a fictitious animal, which is a combination of kangaroos and koalas. This is when they realize they are but all creations of a writer and its all because of the A.E.S.M.

Here is a mini story I wrote about Wild Will and the evil spinster lady at McDonalds. I was trained by the mean lady on front booth, the order serving part of drive thru. I feel like she hated me. But, I was told by another crew member that she isn't a very pleasant person. Obviously...seeing as she knows pretty much anything around McD's. I know I could ask her and seeing as it clearly annoys her when I am not as smart as her, I would ask her for help out of spite, just to piss her off. Mwhahahahaha!!! I thought of many stories where my made up rottweiler Wild Will comes through drive thru and threatens to eat her. That was my only solace.

I can still see the conversation now:

Spinster: Hi there, Hands order out of window, hands drinks out first, when it is supposed to be food first. She then sees a Rottweiler, looks around for the driver with her beetle squinty eyes.
Wild Will: Oh you did it wrong spinster lady.
Spinster: Your drinks were ready before your food.
Wild Will: That is wrong therefore, I am going to eat you.
Spinster: What you said was grammatically incorrect you should have said I will eat you.
Wild Will: If your so grammatically perfect why don't you go to school instead of working here.
Spinster: I like it here.
Wild Will: Well she doesn't like you here. Points at Melissa, then laughs evilly.
Spinster: Have a nice day!
Wild Will: No thanks, why don't you have a horrible day, since you make everyone else miserable.
Wild Will drives off spinster lady is confused as to why there was a talking dog in drive thru. Melissa smirks while thinking of this ridiculous situation.

I just thought about this but when I wrote my stories, for Frostbite I imagined the voice of Peter Helliar and for Adventure Joe I imagined the voice of Rove McManus. For Wild Will he is Don Cherry, the famous sports broadcaster in Canada. And well Chris is Chris, Amy is Amy, Antonia is Antonia and I am me… and so on and so forth. John is some guy I made up. So I have no idea what he would sound like.

Shut up or I'll saw you in half!

Oh yeah I know I am obsessed with pictures because I have 3, 756 pictures in 67 folders. But I think I am just as obsessed with writing: since 2002 I have written over 95 short stories. This doesn’t include stories or columns I wrote in college, nor before 2002 because I lost some of my stories from when I was younger. 18 out the 95 stories are about Wild Will.

Here is a conversation between Chris and Frostbite

Chris: You know, you sound awful Australian.
Frostbite: My zoo keeper was an Aussie.
Chris: An Australian Polar bear?
Frostbite: You’ve never heard of that before? My best mate is a polar bear. He’s Italian. His name is Gregorio Stupido.
Chris: An Italian polar bear?
Frostbite: Shut up Chris or I’ll saw you in half.
Chris: Horizontally or vertically?
Frostbite: Does is it matter?