Only FERGUS!! knows about this story.

After a rather brief interlude...part 2 is now complete.... Warning it is a bit long.

A Multimedia of Problems Part 2: It’s all in the name

It’s a bright sunny morning Melissa was in class. Today a certain someone was on her mind, that someone was Multimedia Guy. You may have thought that he had been made up in order to bypass the cleverly confusing problem solving menu, but in fact he was real. And even though Chris, Melissa’s crazy friend mentioned the fact that it’s odd that no one sees Multimedia Guy but her. She still had a love problem. But it wasn’t Multimedia Guy it was someone completely different all together.
Melissa’s friend Chris was the one with a problem today. He wanted to help Melissa with Multimedia Guy, whom he secretly knew, but he had a class at the same time that he usually showed up. Actually his real problem was Melissa was too mean to Jill…I mean Joan. After he read a previous story about her in which Joan meets her demise on a hill, just like Jack and Jill and is almost eaten by a rottweiler named Ruthless Roy. He was over powered by a fit of rage, but then again he was going through caffeine withdrawals
He dials 1-888 I-HAVE-A-PROBLEM
The operator comes on.
“Welcome to problem solvers network Australia. What can we do for you?”
“If you have a cleaning problem, such lack of cleaners for your kitchen press 555, if you have a average every day problem, such as crap television shows interrupting the shows you want to watch, press 337, if you have a thin problem, such as people accusing you of having perplexia, press 5000.If you have a loathe problem press two.”
Chris forgot everything on the menu so he pressed two.
Wait! Did Chris just call a different problem solvers network?All the way across the country, all the way to Sydney an orange light flashes signifying a loathe problem.
“Hello this is Fergus, how can I help you?” said a big brown dog.
Chris hears the dogs name and bursts into giggles.
“What’s so funny?” Fergus asked.
“That name!” Chris replied.
“What name?”
“Your name!”
“Why is my name funny?”
“Because it is.”
“Soooo do you have a loathe problem?” said Fergus.
“I thought this number was for love problems?”
“That’s a different number sir,” Fergus replied. “May I ask who I am speaking with?”
“This are Chris,” said Chris.
“Fergus!” said a voice. “Captain Winky said I couldn’t be a waitress because I am fat.”
“God damn it Carol! How many times have I told you stop listening to Captain Winky and just be a waitress?” said Fergus. “I’m sorry that was terribly rude of me Chris.”
“He he FERGUS!” said Chris between fits of giggles.
“Just a minute,” said Fergus.
“Captain Winky! You’re a dickhead!” said Carol.
“You’re a dickhead eh!” said Captain Winky, who had just arrived back to the office illegally logging as he is a beaver. “And a big stinky poo poo face in the pants!”
“Nooo,” said Carol. “Peoples faces can’t be made of poo!”
“Carol it’s a figure of speech,” said Fergus.
“You’re a figure of speech,” said Captain Winky.
“Shut up! I’m on the phone mate,” said Fergus.
“Soooo Chris,” said Fergus. “What is the problem?”
“Well,” said Chris. “My friend Melissa is being mean to my other friend Joan. I are loathe that. I are just want them to be friends. It freaks me out when Melissa are mean!”
“I see,” said Fergus. “Were on our way.”
Wow that was fast thought Chris. Usually it takes hours for problem solvers to leave the building and where was Wild Will today? Had he been replaced by some other canine?
Who is this Fergus? Chris bursts into giggles again, just thinking about the name. Fergus! Fergus! Fergus!
Melissa shows up from class. “Hey Chris what’s so funny?”
“Fer-gus! He he!” said Chris.
“I’m sorry what?” Melissa replied.
“That name…”said Chris.
He grabs some paper and writes something down in the form of an acrostic poem.
Furry
Egotistical
Racists
Go
Under
Siege
“Ummm…Fergus?” Melissa asked after decoding the cryptic poem.
“He he yes it makes me laugh myself stupid,” Chris replied.
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
Moments later the problem solvers arrive.
“Wow! That was fast,” said Chris. “Hey where’s Wild Will?”
“Wild Who?” said Fergus.
“Melissa?” said Carol.
“Carol?” Melissa replied. “What the heck are you doing here?”
“Well obviously I’m a problem solver,” said Carol.
“I thought you wanted to be a waitress?” said Melissa.
“I’m too fat to be a waitress, REMEMBER!”
“Ummm….right well it’s nice to see you again.”
“Wait you called the problem solvers too?” said Chris.
“Ummm…noooo,” Melissa replied. “Usually I call the ones in Canada because I keep forgetting the Aussie number.”
“Noooo you forgot your brain,” said Carol.
“Shut up Carol!” said Melissa.
“Wow this are explain everything. I called the problem solvers in Australia but it are sounds to me like you is expecting Wild Will.”
“No I wasn’t,” said Melissa. “ Anyways I can guarantee two of them aren’t Australian.”
“How do you know?” said Chris.
“Well…” said Melissa. “The girl there, be my friend from Canada and that there is a beaver a very Canadian mammal.”
“Hey I have dual citizenship!” said Captain Winky.
“Ohhh this is the infamous Carol?” said Chris. “I are have wanted to meet you for a very long time. We are should call Amy and let her know Carol came to visit you.”
“I am assuming Carol didn’t come to visit she came to solve your problem. What ever it may be,” said Melissa.
“Oh I see,” said Chris.
“Right, you must be Melissa,” said Fergus.
“Yes,” said Carol. “Obviously it Melissa, she is the ONLY Nerdy weird retarded NERD girl here.”
“Where is Alyssa?” said Captain Winky.
“Who’s Alyssa?” said Melissa.
“The illustrator,” said Fergus.
“What this story doesn’t have an illustrator!” Melissa replied.
“Why not?” said Fergus.
“Because she is the writer!” said Chris.
“What! I’M NOT THE WRITER!” Melissa yelled. She throws her notebook across the refectory. It hits a guy guy in the back.
“Oh no,” said Chris. “You just hit Multimedia Guy!”
“Noooo Melissa’s not the writer. I am!” said Carol.
All of a sudden there was a blast of steam. Wild Will, John and Adventure Joe had arrived.
“Yay! Adventure Joe is back!” said Melissa and Chris.
“Booo!” said Wild Will.
“Carol, you’re not the writer,” said John.
“Wait, how did you get back Joe?” Chris asked.
“Customs wouldn’t let me leave,” said Joe.
“Wait! Did this fat girl say she was the writer?” said Wild Will. “I’m insulted. How dare you imply that you are my mommy! I AM GOING TO EAT YOU!”
“Do you need a plate, cutlery a nice soup base?” Fergus replied. “I brought mine just in case I needed a snack.”
“Ummm WHAT!” said Wild Will. “I was just threatening I really had no intentions of eating her.”
“Yeah I’m too fat to eat,” said Carol. “Fergus tried but he said all my fat made him lose his appetite.”
“He he Fergus!” said Chris.
“Stop laughing at my name!” said Fergus. “Pray tell you’re lucky I don’t eat skinny people.”
“Yes he hates vegetables,” said Captain Winky.
“Really? Wild Will loves vegetables,” said John.
“Shut up!” said Wild Will.
“Let me guess,” said Joe. “He says I’m not going to eat you but, then he does?”
“Yeah why?” said Fergus. “You got a problem with that?”
“Yes! Because it’s deceiving,” said Chris. “Wait a second; you said you weren’t going to eat me!”
There was a scrapping noise. Captain Winky and Carol are both pushing a giant cooking pot.
Chris gulps. “Oh no anything but that! A moose wearing a sweater walks by.
“What are you afraid of Chris? The moose or the pot?” said John.
“Don’t worry Chris I won’t let him eat you!” said Chris.
“Carol, get my soup base,” said Fergus. “And don’t forget to add the moose this time!”
“Wow! You’re a pig,” said Joe. “You can eat an entire moose, plus Chris, plus that tree? What the!”
Captain Winky brings over a palm tree. He dunks it in the pot. “Damn palm tree it hurts my teeth eh!” he replied.
“I’m confused,” said the moose. “Writer what am I doing here?”
“Yeah Melissa, what’s with the moose?” said Wild Will.
“I don’t know what Winkai is doing here, but…wait never mind Winkai is a girl. Sorry I don’t know why the moose is here?” said Melissa. “By the way, I’m not the writer!” She throws her note book it again hits Multimedia Guy.
“OK that’s it,” said Multimedia Guy. He turns around. He sees the assortment of talking animals, Chris, the moose.
“What the?” said Multimedia Guy.
“Ummm hello…said Chris. “How are you Multimedia Guy?”
“Ummm….OK I guess,” said Multimedia Guy. He sits and ponders for a minute. Why did he call me Multimedia Guy?
“Hi,” said Melissa. “I can explain this Chris and I called problem solvers each with our own respective problems. Umm…yes that’s it.”
“Melissa wants to make sweet sweet love to you,” said Chris. “That’s her problem Multimedia Guy.”
“Look my name isn’t Multimedia Guy its…”he said.
“Roo roo roo,” said Wild Will. “I don’t like Fergus!”
“Fergus!” Chris starts to laugh.
“Stop that!” said Fergus.
“Oh I am so embarrassed.” Melissa runs away.
“Melissa come back,” said John. We haven’t solved your problem.”
Melissa runs into none other than Joan.
“Hi Mel!” said Joan.
“Its Mel-ISSA!” said Melissa.
“Oh sorry Mel,” Joan replied.
Melissa cringes. I give up! She thought.
“Gee Mel you look worried are you OK? Did you want brownies,” Joan said, with a look of Joan like concern.
“Ummm…this big brown dog is about to cook Chris up and eat him and I’m embarrassed because the guy I like knows about my hidden affections, which doesn’t involve making sweet sweet love by the way,” said Melissa.
“Oh no!” said Joan. “Lets go save him!” She shouts.
“You know Joan you could be less obvious,” Melissa replied.
“Sorry Mel…”
“Listen its MEL-ISSA!”
Joan and Melissa arrive back at the refectory…Wild Will and Fergus were in the middle of a heated argument. To Melissa’s relief Multimedia Guy was gone.
“Nooooo! Don’t eat CK!” Joan yells in desperation.
“OK,” said Fergus. “Can I eat you then?”
“Well aren’t you a sick minded doggy,” Joan replied.
“Psst…Joan,” Melissa elbows Joan and whispers…“Not that kind of eating.”
“You mean?” Joan replied.
“Yes cannibalism,” Melissa said.
“Nooooo Fergus doesn’t eat cannon balls,” Carol said.
“Well actually its only cannibalism if you eat your own kind,” said John, “for instance if Fergus ate Wild Will.”
Wild Will looks at John angrily.
“OK how about I eat you,” said Wild Will.
“Ah rottweiler!” said Joan, remembering Glumps, Ruthless Roy chasing Justin and her down a hill and Wild Will making her cry.
Melissa contemplates, perhaps she is too mean to Joan and perhaps they should be friends.
“Joan I’m sorry if I am mean too you. Its just sometimes I don’t like you,” said Melissa.
“That’s OK,” said Joan. “Sometimes I don’t like you either!”
“Fine then!” Melissa snapped.
“Wow you are solved my problem,” said Chris.
“We did?” said Fergus.
“Well they agreed to be friends,” Chris pointed out.
“They didn’t solve nothing,” said John. “Fergus was just trying to have lunch. P.S. Wild Will is better so there!
“Well maybe we know how to solve problems with out really doing anything eh!” said Captain Winky.
“Me hungry! Me want food!” said Fergus.
Meanwhile Chris is giggling in the corner.
“What’s so funny Chris?” Melissa asked.
“That name!” Chris replied.
“You! What’s so funny about my name?” said Fergus.
“Is it because I’m fat?” said Carol.
“Oh please!” said Joe. “Its because the big brown dogs name is actually pretty funny…he he…” Joe points and laughs.
“Mwhahahahahaha!” Wild Will laughed.
“Ha ha ha ha,” John laughed.
“Why is everyone laughing at me?” Fergus asked.
“Well I’m not,” said Melissa.
“Me either!” said Joan.
“Well I’m not laughing because I’m fat,” said Carol.
“What! I’m not laughing because I’m a beaver, which is better than all of you because I can build stuff and you can’t,” said Captain Winky.”That didn’t make any sense you piss ant little fucker,” said Wild Will. “Grrr…. Melissa why have these annoyances appeared in the story?”
“Umm…What! I’m not the writer!” said Melissa.
“Umm…yes which is why you are writing ferociously in that there notebook,” said Chris.
“Oh yeah…Carol can you help me out?” said Melissa.
“Oh OK,” said Carol. She takes the notebook and eats it. “Melissa’s writer secrets are protected forever in my fat.”
“Hey it’s nice how you trust me,” said Chris.
“You can have this pen,” said Melissa. “The all knowing writer pen.”
“Ummm…OK,” said Chris. He takes the pen and swallows it.
“Ha!” said Melissa. “I protected Chris from rottweiler turning into disease.”
“Right considering I never bit him you loser! Writer!” said Wild Will. “Oh yeah Melissa’s the writer.”
“What! I’m not the writer!” said Melissa. She takes her notebook and lights it on fire.
“Ohhhhh fire!” said Captain Winky.
“What! Melissa, Captain Winky is a pyromaniac!” said Fergus.
“Ummm…Right I wasn’t expecting that,” said Melissa.
“Noooo Captain Winky is spontaneously combustible,” said Carol.
“Whoops!” said Melissa.
Captain Winky explodes.
“Hmmm…that are interesting,” said Chris. “Wait were are Wild Will?”
There was an agonizing scream. Wild Will drags Multimedia Guy the group.
“Melissa! I solved your problem,” said Wild Will.
“Umm…I never called you with a problem,” Melissa said.
“You called yesterday?” said John.
“Yeah because I couldn’t bike up a hill because I’m fat!”
“Noooo I’m fat!” said Carol.
“Yes but didn’t you say you had the inability to concentrate because of this?” said John.
“Melissa did you waste our time?” said Wild Will. “I AM GOING TO EAT YOU!”
“Oh go eat yourself you vegetable retard NERD weird dog!” said Carol.
“Don’t insult my rottweiler character Carol or I’ll write mean stories about you,” said Melissa.
“But, Melissa you already do,” said Chris.
“That’s if I was the writer, which I’m not,” Melissa said.
“Hey look it are Multimedia Guy,” said Chris.
“My name isn’t Multimedia Guy its…” Multimedia Guy started.
“What’s that Captain Winky just exploded and none of the characters are aware of this?” said John.
“Uh oh yeah oh no Captain Winky exploded!” said Joe.
Silence. Six eyes on 12eyes.
“I’m confused What’s going on here?” asked Joan.
All of a sudden 18 pairs of eyes on Melissa.
“Ummm…Joan, these are my friends Wild Will, Adventure Joe, although he prefers to be called Joe and John,” said Melissa. “They’re problem solvers you call them when you have a problem and anything and everything will be solved.”
“That’s stupid,” said Joan.
“Nooo your stupid,” said Carol.
“Noooo….friends don’t threaten to eat you or obliterate your secret crushes,” said Carol. “Oh no! the guy whose name isn’t Multimedia Guy is turning into a rottweiler…SUMO!”
“Oh no anything but this!” Multimedia Guy yelled. Carol lands on him. The ground shakes.
“Wait! What the!” said Melissa “What are Kate, Jack and Amy doing here?”
“Am I being weird?” said Jack. He looks around nervously.
“I don’t know what I am doing here. I was at a news desk in Canberra, when all of a sudden I ended up here standing beside Kate and this guy I have never met!” Amy replied.
Kate is wearing a pink tutu and holds a very large shoe. She stares blankly and says nothing.
“Carol! You solved a problem that was meant for me!” said Wild Will. “I AM GOING TO EAT YOU!”
“Melissa how could you?” said John. He gives a disapproving look.
Joe glares at Melissa. “I am ashamed of you!”
“You mean you planned to squish Multimedia Guy?” Melissa asked.
“Oooooh Multimedia Guy is your Aussie husband for sure,” said Amy.
Kate whispers into Amy’s ear…”You’ve been gone to long.”
“Oh?” said Amy.
Kate continues to whisper to Amy. She points and laughs at Jack. Jack stands beside them confounded.
“Ewww….”said Amy. “He’s the ugliest guy on the face of the Earth!”
Chris walks up to Amy.
“He also eats babies,” he whispers.
“He WHAT!” Amy replied. “OH MY GOSH MELISSA!”
John is startled by Amy’s sudden outburst. However he still continued on his anti-Melissa rant.
“No I was supposed too!” said John. “We have another problem. We’re out of here!”
Wild Will, Adventure Joe and John blast off on their jet packs.
“You know what,” Wild Will called. “I am so angry with you I never even left a present for you.”
“Yeah well I never even wanted one anyways!” Melissa yelled.
“Wait, by present does he mean,” Chris whispers to Melissa. “poo poo?”
“Yes,” said Melissa. “He was going to leave a rottweiler surprise.”
“Wild Will?” Melissa said. “Don’t be angry.”
“Ummm….Melissa, Wild Will are gone,” said Chris.
“Noooo,” Melissa cried.
“Ummm….this is weird!” said Jack.
“Yeah this is weird,” said Kate.
“Oh so you do speak!” said Melissa.
“GO AWAY I HATE YOU!” Kate replies.
“What?” Melissa asked, confused by the sudden outburst.
“No you him.” Kate points at Fergus.
“Who Fergus?” Melissa asked.
Chris bursts out laughing.
“Chris! Stop laughing at the big brown dog!” said Kate. She begins to beat Chris with the shoe.
“Owe! Stop it!” said Chris.
“It are the only way to stop you from laughing,” said Kate. “Sometimes you have to hurt the ones you hate…I mean love.”
“Kate!” said Melissa. “Why the sudden violence?”
“I just said why Mel-issa,” Kate replied.
“What did I do?” Fergus asked.
“Umm well you have been remarkably silent,” said Melissa.
“Mel?” Joan said. “Am I still needed here?”
“Mel-ISSA!” Melissa replied. “No its all good you saved Chris from becoming soup.”
“Yay!” said Joan. “I’m going home to make beaver brownies.”
“Ohhhh can I come too?” said Kate.
“OK let’s go!” said Joan.
Kate and Joan walk off from the refectory hand in hand, signing joyous tunes.
“Melissa?” said Chris.
“Melissa?” said Chris. “What are going on here?”
“Yes, Melissa what is going on here?” Fergus asked.
“Melissa,” said Carol. “Why am I here? I’m supposed to be a waitress character and you know it.”
“I thought you said you couldn’t be a waitress because your fat?” Melissa replied. “Besides that’s a different story.”
Amy and Jack stare blankly. Confused looks appear on their faces.
“Uh Melissa…” Amy started.
“Go back to Canberra!” Fergus shouts. He points at her.
“OK back to Canberra I go,” she disappears in a puff of smoke.
“Ummm…this is weird,” Jack said.
“Yes Jack this are weird,” Chris replied.
All a sudden a beanstalk appears. A sign on it says. “All people named Jack must climb me.”
“Well it appears this is your cue to leave,” said Melissa.
“That’s discrimination,” said Jack. “Just because my name is Jack doesn’t mean I should climb it. Is it because I’m weird?”
Melissa sighs. “Just climb already or I’ll get Wild Will to come and eat everyone you care about.”
“Yes he are a mean dog,” Chris added.
“Yes and he doesn’t like people who eat babies,” said Carol.
“I don’t eat babies!” Jack said, sounding surprised.
“God damn it! I’m the writer and I want you to climb the beanstalk,” said Melissa.
“What for?” Jack asked.
“Because I’m amazingly clever, your name being Jack and all,” Melissa replied.
“Wait!” said Fergus. “You’re the writer?”
“What? Did I just say I’m the writer? Because I’m not,” Melissa said, sounding frantic. “I’M NOT THE WRITER!”
“Noooo you’re a NERD retarded weird girl,” said Carol.
“Carol, that’s a completely different story,” Melissa said.
“Oh yes did you know dolphins and whales used to have legs?” said Chris.
“Dolphins and whales didn’t have legs because their ocean dwelling,” Carol replied.
“Chris, that’s a different story,” Melissa said. “One that you wrote.”
“Oh Chris is the writer?” Fergus asked.
“Noooo Melissa is,” said Carol.
Melissa glares at Carol menacingly.
“Noooo I mean Jack is.”
“What?” said Jack, still standing by the beanstalk, “if I wrote stories like this that would be weird. Am I being weird?”
“Nooo Jack your climbing a beanstalk,” Chris said.
All of a sudden Jack had the urge to climb the beanstalk.
Five minutes later a chainsaw can be heard.
“Ah ha ha ha ha!” said Frostbite the Polar Bear.”
“I’ve come to destroy the refectory and this beanstalk?”
He inspects the plant, looks at Melissa, Chris, Fergus and Carol.
“What? Ummm…Am I in the right story?”
“Yes,” said Melissa.
“Wait! I know you. You’ve been getting friendly with my wife. Lachlan’s Mum,” said Fergus.
“You’re married to a human?” Jack called from the beanstalk. “That’s weird!”
“Noooo that’s bestiality!” said Carol.
“Hmmm…” Frostbite inspects the beanstalk. He saws it down. Jack comes falling down, followed by Jill.”
“What the?” said Chris. “You killed Jack!”
“I’m not dead!” Jack declared happily.
“No you’re just weird,” said Chris. “Melissa, this madness has to end. I’m going to help Kate and Joan make brownies.”
He storms of angrily.
“And I quit problem solving!” said Carol.
“Why?” said Fergus. “You were doing just fine.”
“My fat gets in the way,” said Carol. She walks off into the refectory and carries out a red plane.
“I’m going back to Canada!” said Carol.
“Wow! You sure exhibit superhuman strength,” said Frostbite.
“Yeah my fat makes me strong,” Carol said proudly. She pats her stomach.
“Carol, that’s a toy plane. A Lego man wouldn’t even fit in there,” said Melissa. “Look, since you’re here do you want to come and hang out at my flat?”
“Melissa! I’m not that way,” Carol exclaimed.
“Ummm I think I am going to go home now,” said Jack. He saunters off…Jill following him. Jack turned around.
“Stop following me! You have the wrong guy. You’re weird!”
“But your name is Jack!” Jill cried.
“Melissa,” said Fergus. “Can I come back to your flat with you? I live in the same area.”
“Ohhhh you’re that Fergus,” said Melissa. “Fine whatever I don’t care.”
“Can I come to destroy…I mean visit too?” Frostbite asked.
“No go back to Canada!” said Melissa.
“Fine then,” said Frostbite. “But, you haven’t seen the last of me though aha ha ha ha!
“Carol, Melissa and Fergus stand in silence.
“Lets go home now,” said Melissa. “I need a way to apologize to Wild Will and Chris. And I want brownies.”

© Melissa Canadian 2006

A story you wouldn't get even if you were a doo doo head...

Sorry about the absense...I have been busy with university but now that its done for the year I have time for more stories. Yay! I finally finished this one. Its a prelude to another that I am writing. This story sees the absense of Adventure Joe...he comes back in the next part and the addtion of a character called Carol.

A Multimedia of Problems Part 1: The created turns on the creator

It was a rainy morning. The grey overcast looms above. Melissa the writer… I mean bike rider is on her way to work as a Russian linguistic specialist as she is Russian Canadian, but actually she was working at a subs and sushi joint and would have rather stayed home and watched television all day. She feels rather energetic due to the enormous hill she has come across. Melissa loses her breath, her energy subsides. She determines she has a fat problem. This calls for a problem solver.
She dials 1-800-I-NEED-HELP-RIGHT-NOW
The operator comes on.
“Welcome to problem solvers network. How can we help you?”
“If you want to solve a garbage problem, such as collecting pop cans in hopes to go to South Australia press 90090027, if you have a miscellaneous problem, such as an eccentric friend who attempts to kill people, press 2727262697 , if you have a fat problem, such as a love of sweets and lollies press 7000 12 times, if you have a love problem press one.”
Now it was previously mentioned that Melissa had a fat problem, so she does attempt to dial 7000 12 times, but loses count after four tries. So she redials the number and presses one.
All the way across the Pacific Ocean, all the way to Montréal a pink light flashes, signifying a love problem. A new secretary named Rosie, the French Poodle answers the phone.
“Allo, velcome tu ze problem solverrrs office of William.”
“For the last time,” said an ominous rottweiler. “Its Wild Will. You’re fired.”
“He will be right with you,” said Rosie “Hold please.” She glares at Wild Will. “You only fire me because I am French.”
“What? I live in Montréal the most French city in Canada,” said Wild Will. “You see that plant over there that’s a French Lilly and I’ve been to an Italian, Russian, French house.”
“That’s actually a Queenslander,” added John.
Wild Will looks at John. “What’s the matter John?”
“I miss Joe,” John cried.
“Fine,” It appears that the problem is in Australia, so will find another ball-less koala and name him Captain Bottle pop Chris,” said Wild Will. “And he will hunt down Chris and agree with everything I say and make salad for me.”
“Or you will eat him,” said John.
“Yes, yes, I will, as long as he is made of carrots and celery and broccoli,” Wild Will added. “By the way Rosie, I’m firing you because you can’t get my name right.”
“And you’re not actually French,” said John. “You’re for Redneck Alberta.”
“I was born in Alberta,” said Wild Will. “Just because they’re a little conservative you have to label them as rednecks.”
“I’m from British Columbia,” said Rosie, “from a French community in New Westminster.”
“John, you get a cannon and I’ll take a gander at this ‘love problem’,” said Wild Will.
“A cannon?” said Rosie.
“Yes a cannon,” said John. “You are being fired in the literal sense, straight for the sun.”
Wild Will looks at John you’re a strange human he thought, an iucking fidiot. Wild Will answers the phone.
“Sorry that I kept you waiting, NOT!” said Wild Will. “Now what do you want?”
“Umm… I have a problem and it’s a love problem,” said Melissa.
“Good,” said Wild Will. “What is it? Wait! Your voice sounds familiar.”
“No it doesn’t. It sounds completely unfamiliar,” Melissa replied.
“Hmmm…are you sure?” said Wild Will.
“Yes,” said Melissa. “Anyways my problem is I am in love with this guy named Multimedia Guy and I can’t move my bike up this incredibly long gigantic elephantine hill because of it.”
“What?” said Wild Will. “It sounds like a fat problem in disguise of a love problem.”
“Right, well…I need help up a hill,” said Melissa.
“And where is this hill?” said Wild Will.
“Umm…it’s the same hill Jack and Jill fell down while being chased by Ruthless Roy.”
“Justin and Joan?” said Wild Will. “I knew it was you Melissa, unfamiliar my ass.”
“Well can you freaking help me or not?” said Melissa.
“Well we have to get a new Koala for John,” said Wild Will. “So we might as well come and see what we can do.”
“Look I’m using valuable time here,” said Melissa.
“I said we were coming you bum dancing lesbian firefighter,” said Wild Will.
“What?” said Melissa. “Amy is the bum dancing lesbian firefighter, but she is actually a journalist in Canberra.”
“Yeah well, I’m the lead character, so I can say what ever I want,” said Wild Will.
“Says who?” said Melissa.
“The writer,” said Wild Will.
“No I didn’t,” said Melissa. “I mean I’m not the writer.”
“Yes you did,” said Wild Will.
Melissa sighs. “Fine Wild Will have it your way.”
Boom! A loud explosion can be heard.
“What was that?” said Melissa.
“Oh it’s just John firing our new secretary Rosie,” said Wild Will, “out of a cannon.”
“Oh dear God,” said Melissa. “Why would you do that?”
“You should know writer,” said Wild Will. “I mean Mommy...he he.”
Wild Will hangs up the phone, grinning happily firings of staff made him unusually cheerful. It was the satisfaction of being in charge or perhaps it was the loud boom.
“Come on John, we have a problem to solve,” said Wild Will cheerfully.
“What?” said John. His face was black from smoke. He was deaf from the loud boom.
“Damn it John, I told you to wear ear plugs you iucking fidiot,” he trots off.
“What?” said John.
Wild Will writes a message for by the use of paw paints as he is a dog and cannot use a pen. The sign says. “JOHN TIME TO GO SOLVE A PROBLEM.”
John gives a thumbs up, signifying he understood.
John takes out his ear plugs. He flicks them at Wild Will.
“Damn it John!” said Wild Will. “I went through all that trouble for nothing?”
“Yep!” said John. “I did wear my ear plugs. Who’s the iucking fidiot now?”
“Well it appears I am,” said Wild Will. “Therefore I am going eat you, rip out your heart and fire everyone you love out of a cannon.”
“That was unneeded and mean,” said John. “Its like saying I’m going to make glue out of your massively evil rottweiler paws.”
“Yes, well you won’t because I will have eaten you,” said Wild Will.
“So what are you not a vegetarian now?” John asked.
“Shut up!” Wild Will shouted. “We will discuss this later at a time that is inconvenient for you, but first we have to solve another problem.”
“Fine!” said John.
The giant monstrosity know as John and the ridiculous rabid rottweiler a.k.a. Wild Will walk to the silver platform, strap on their jet packs and blast off.
Meanwhile, Melissa waits patiently at the bottom of the hill. It looms before her taunting her. “Ah ha I’m a big hill,” it says to Melissa while she ponders how she will mount it and be rid of the evil height and exasperation of travelling up it.
All of a sudden, John and Wild Will land beside her. They stand beside her silently.
“What’s a matter writer, I mean Melissa?” said Wild Will.
“I don’t have enough energy to make it up the hill. I think its because I’m fat!” Melissa replied.
“You’re not fat!” said John. “That’s fat!” He points to a short brunette girl in the shape of a barrel.
“What?” said the girl. “Melissa! What did I tell you about bringing me into your stories? I told you I was too fat to fit into them!”
“Oh hello Carol…I mean Melora,” said Melissa.
“What?” said John. “Are you making fun of people who are gravity, weight proportionately challenged?”
“You mean making fun of fat people?” said Wild Will.
Carol stands across the hill. She glares at Melissa in discontent.
“Melissa, I thought you were my friend. I think you should stop making fun of my fat!”
“But, Carol I wasn’t,” said Melissa.
“Unless I’m going to be a waitress character I see no point in you writing me in,” said Carol.
“Ummm….what? I’m not the writer!” Melissa throws her notebook it hits Carol in the arm.
“Owe,” Carol cried. “I thought this would get sucked into my fat, but it bounced off of it instead.” She picks up the notebook and begins to read it. “Oh I see your plans for this story,” Carol stated. “In this case I should not be offended.” She eats the notebook and belches. Carol walks off towards the service station.
“That was weird,” said John.
“Soooo Melissa about this hill,” said Wild Will. “I have a plan I will chase you up the hill in fear of me Wild Will because I am evil and I want to eat you.”
“But, Wild Will,” said Melissa. “You’re a vegetarian.”
“Yes but put that thought aside,” said John.
“Or how about you remember the time my bite turned you into a rottweiler,” said Wild Will
“What was the anecdote anyways?” said John.
“Pen ink,” said Melissa.
“That’s it?” said John.
“What do you mean?” said Melissa.
“I don’t know I thought that since your stories are so bizarre and complicated that you would have a more complicated anecdote,” said John.
“Shut up! I’m not the writer!” said Melissa.
“Umm… Melissa,” said John. “We know you’re the writer, but you can be assured we won’t tell anyone.”
“Right John,” said Wild Will. “Not tell anyone.” He grins evilly.
“OK How about you race John on that there tricycle over there,” said Wild Will.
“What?” said John. “That’s insane.”
“hmmm that’s scary,” said Melissa. “And it’s also a challenge. OK I’ll give it a whirl.”
“How exactly is this supposed to help?” said John.
“Well…” said Wild Will. “Melissa will be so ashamed of losing that I will be able to chase her like I first suggested.”
2001 A Space Odyssey music plays. A elephantine man on a red and white tricycle looms up the hill, followed by a girl on a green and white bike.
“What?” said Wild Will. “John actually beat you?”
Without any warning Wild Will chased Melissa up the hill.
“Squish!” Wild Will got a hold of Melissa’s bike tire. Air gushes out.
“Melissa, you’re supposed to ride away,” said Wild Will.
“I’m not scared enough too,” she replied.
John falls over on the tricycle. He crushes Melissa’s bike.
“Ah ha ha! You broke my bike. How am I supposed to get to work now?” Melissa whined.
“Ummm…your own two feet fat ass!” said Wild Will. “Mwhahahahahaha!”
“Great I could have just got the tire fixed but now my bike is butch. Thanks for not helping me,” said Melissa. She storms off.
“Melissa, come back will help you,” John called.
“It’s too late jack ass!” Melissa snapped.
“Oh no Melissa is being mean! Cure you pen ink!” said Wild Will.
“Ummm…Wild Will isn’t she like your MOM!” said John.
Wild Will shudders… “Oh yeah!”
“I’m so late for work now!” Melissa said while walking up the hill.
“Wait!” said John. “I have an idea.”
Two minutes later Melissa had a ride, John. He piggy backed her all the way to work Wild Will cracks a whip. “Mule mule, hurry hurry, “ he cackles.
“Oh would you piss off!” said John.
“Yes and to that I say. Roo roo roo roo roo!”

(c) Melissa Canadian 2006