The Cast of Characters....Wild Will and More.

Since I am not good at describing what the characters of my stories look like I shall show you.

This is Wild Will. No this is not really him. Its just a look alike. This picture was taken over a year ago. And yes I do look at rottweilers and say. "Hey look its Wild Will." Those who do know who he is look at me like I am an idiot. Or think Gosh I wonder what Melissa means? Or Who the Hell is Wild Will?



This is Adventure Joe...Actually its just a koala at the zoo. Now when I see koalas. I think about him too. And just like Wild Will I am sure I get a simular response.

These next few pictures are what the characters of the two previous stories actually look like. I kid you not.



This is Chris...



This is Amy... Amy I hope this picture suits your fancy. If not I shall change it in a heartbeat or when ever I feel like it.



This is Antonia. She looks more beautiful in real life. Pictures just don't do her justice.



This is me... yes its sad. I put myself in the story. But you can do what ever you want when you are the writer/creator/controler of the Wild Will universe.



Raul a.k.a Yogi. Its a tie I can't decide who Raul should look like. Ha ha ha! *coughs* The first picture is the actual Yogi the second Picture is Raj.



Carma? I guess she looks like my friend Carol?

Missing from list

John: because I haven't found a picture that would look like him.

Frostbite: because yet againg I have no picture. I actually imagine Frostbite to look like Bear from the Big Blue House except he is white and holding a chainsaw.

The Amazing Bum Dancing Animal Patrol: Hell if I know? What are they suppose to look like? You decide!

The story that no one will understand unless you are Amy or Chris or Me or Wild Will... Part 2

A Flat To Myself (You're So Chris I bet you think this story is about you!)

Chris was acting very strange today, very strange indeed. It had not been three minutes since the quarrelsome trio a.k.a Wild Will, John and Joe had left, that Chris decided to make way for a flat to himself. He loved this wonderful Italian, Russian, French house, so much in fact he wanted it to himself.
The reason for his insanity: not enough Coca Cola and too much masturbation.
Melissa runs to the phone and just like Amy decided. I mean Amelia decided. Wait! Aishwarya Patil Padama India decided a quick solving answer was needed. Melissa called the problem solvers network.
She dials 1-800-I-NEED-HELP-RIGHT-NOW
The operator comes on.
“Welcome to problem solvers network. How can we help you?”
“If you want to solve a garbage problem, for example to much garbage lying around your bathroom press 879324, if you have a miscellaneous problem, such as an eccentric flatmates who is about to kill you press 977322528, if you have a fat problem, press 6000 seven times, because you are a fat loser, if you have a love problem press one.”
Now normally Melissa would be smart enough to bring a note pad to copy down the insanely long code for the miscellaneous problem, seeing as that’s what it was, but Chris was attempting to murder her. She didn’t want to waste time. So she pressed one.
Across town… a far way across the Pacific Ocean all the way to Montréal, a pink light flashes, signifying a love problem.
John, Joe and Wild Will had just returned from the latest solving case, only to find that another had begun.
“Ugh… another love problem,” said John. “Seriously the network is a problem, if they would just fix the menu.”
He stomps like a mad banshee, flailing his limbs, his massive 7”3 figure, makes the floor shake. It crumbles. He falls in.
“Ahhhhhhh,” he screams. He hits the ground floor.
Wild Will appears over the hole.
“John?” he asks. “Where are you?”
“I am visiting with Bob,” John gulps.
“Oh no Bob,” said Joe. “Don’t worry mate, we’ll get you out.”
Silence ensues, they fear the worst.
“Don’t worry it’s the room next to Bob,” said John.
“Don’t tell him the glass is breakable,” said Joe.
“I wasn’t planning on it,” said John.
The reason for the sudden fear, Bob was a man eating Alien made of celery. He was in a sound proof room, but he read lips.
“Don’t move, don’t talk, hide under a desk or he will eat you,” said Wild Will. “And in the event that he does eat you. I will eat him.”
“Wild Will you are a vegetarian,” said John.
“Grrr…what did I tell you about telling my secret?” said Wild Will. “I will eat him because he is made of vegetables. Perhaps I should eat you because you’re a jerk with no balls.”
“Hey!” said John. “Since when am I No Balls?”
“Urgh… John shut up!” said Joe. “Better you then me.”
Carma stands behind the phone and taps her fingers impatiently.
“Wow Carma, you’re really patient, doctors must love you,” said Joe.
“Ah what a clever joke No Balls,” said Wild Will.
Joe furrows his eyebrows. At least I have a joke.
“Well?” said Carma. “Are you going to answer it or not?”
Meanwhile Melissa has been waiting on the phone for the last 20 minutes not that she was worried. It gave her time to think of a love problem. Chris was busy poisoning lemonade and being haunted by Antonia.
“Hello,” said Wild Will. “He answers the phone after a lengthy game of staring. Joe sits in the corner crying.
“What? It’s not my fault,” said Wild Will. “Just because a kangaroo and a koala happen to be marsupials doesn’t mean they can be together.”
“Wild Will, you’re on the line,” said Carma.
“Ummm… is anyone there?” said Melissa.
“Ah yes,” said Wild Will “What is your problem?”
“You are?” said Joe.
Wild Will looks at Joe.
“Iucking Fidiot. I wasn’t talking to you,” said Wild Will.
“Yeah, well for your information kangaroos and koalas can be together, their offspring is called koalaroos. So piss on you,” said Joe.
“You made that up,” said Wild Will.
“Ahhhhhhahahahahaha…” a girl screams.
“Hello, are you there?” said Wild Will.
“I almost wasn’t” said Melissa.
“What’s your problem? If in fact it is a love problem,” said Wild Will.
“Ten bucks says it’s not a love problem,” Johns voice echoes from below.
“You’re on mate,” said Joe.
“Didn’t I tell you not to talk?” said Wild Will. “I am going to eat you.”
“Which currency is it?” asked Joe.
“Does it matter?” asked Wild Will.
“Uh Canadian…no wait Russian…no wait Canadian…actually Australian, no Canadian,” said John.
“Australian,” said Joe.
Wild Will rolls his eyes. He leaves Joe and John to fight over currency. They’re nothing but a bunch of iucking fidiots, he thought.
“Well I am not sorry for keeping you waiting,” Wild Will laughs evilly.
“Yes thank you for not wasting my time,” said Melissa sarcastically.
“Are you being sarcastic?” said Wild Will. “Maybe I will eat you, then hang up.”
“No I wasn’t. I actually have a problem and it involves love,” said Melissa.
“Well in that case, tell me,” said Wild Will. “I am angry and hungry… perhaps I will eat you.”
Silence….
“Hello?” said Wild Will. “Is anyone there?”
“Ah sorry, my flatmate was chasing me with a knife,” said Melissa.
“That’s a problem,” said Wild Will, “a miscellaneous problem.”
“Well yes but, that’s not the main problem, its one of many,” said Melissa.
“Alright,” said Wild Will. “Tell me what it is already or I will eat you.”
“Well,” said Melissa. “I have a crush on this guy at university. He is in the same class as me. My friends and I call him Multimedia Guy. Anyways, my flatmate Chris, who is in love with Coca Cola is jealous and is attempting to kill me.”
“Oh wow that is a problem,” said Wild Will. “A stupid one, mwhahahahahaha! We will be on our way, Miss…”
“Melissa Canadian,” said Melissa, “a.k.a Gandhi.”
“OK Gandhi, just hide behind something impenetrable to sharp objects like a brick wall or really hard wood,” said Wild Will. “I have to get my team ready.”
Wild Will hangs up the phone.
“Mwhahahahahaha! John you owe Joe 10 bucks,” said Wild Will.
“No I don’t,” said John.
“John you said $10 says its not a love problem,” said Joe, “which it turned out to be, so you owe me $10 Australian or $7 Canadian.”
“Ah I don’t have the money,” said John, who had managed with great difficulty to climb back up to Wild Will’s office.
“Pay up you mug,” said Joe. He puts out his silver paw and initiates the pay me move.
“Ah but the bet is not over Joe. They could be smart enough to make up a love problem in order for us to come, because the menu is f**ked up,” said John.
“Doubt it,” said Joe. “Loser!”
“Lets wait to see what the problem is, then take it from there,” said John.
“How about we go solve the problem or I will eat you iucking fidiots,” said Wild Will.
“You’re a jack ass Wild Will,” said Joe.
“You’re a master debater, that’s why you have no balls, ahahahahahahaahahah!” said Wild Will.
“John laughs with him. “Ahahahahahahaahahah, Wild Will you are priceless.”
“Since when do you suck up?” said Wild Will.
“Since its you who agrees its not a love problem.”
“I never said that you wanker,” said Wild Will.
“C’mon guys, lets have a sticky at the situation so I can go home and cool my heals,” said Joe. “John’s a wanker!”
The three anti amigos make their way to the silver platform, where they strap on their jet packs.
They arrive once again at the Italian, Russian, French House.
“What the hell? Didn’t we leave here a few hours ago?” said John.
“Ah ha, this is an Australian Queenslander house,” said Joe. “I know because I am from Queensland Australia. It just looks Italian, Russian and French because ethnic people live there.”
“Ah, that’s right the A.E.S.M.,” said John.
“The what?” said Wild Will.
“The Alien Ethnic Society and Melissa,” said John.
“Oh yeah,” said Wild Will. “Let’s just walk in and be rude. They don’t understand the concept of answering the door properly.”
Joe sighs. God he is a s dumb Rottweiler, psycho, dumb ugly dog and dumb, he thought. I wish Wild Wills owners had fixed him.
“Joe lets go,” said Wild Will. “John you break down the door.”
“Isn’t that illegal?” said John.
“Yes but it’s rude,” said Wild Will. “Don’t argue, just do it.”
“Fine, fine,” said John.
He charges like a Rhinoceros and bursts down the door. It slams to the ground. Chris stands there silently, holding a giant spoon in one hand and a knife in the other. He looks at John, then Joe, then Wild Will.
“Want lemonade?” he asks.
The staring game begins, two eyes on six. Six eyes on two, Chris versus Wild Will and company.
“Ummm… no thanks,” said John.
“Lemonade is for losers,” said Wild Will, “and look who is offering it to us. Coincidence?”
“What?’ Joe looks at Wild Will. “You know the last couple of days you’ve been less mean, like your psycho comments are forced.’
“Blame that one on the writer,” said Wild Will.
Melissa pops up behind the knife proof couch. Holding a note book and a pen.
“What, I’m not the writer,” she replied.
“Are you the one with the problem?” said Wild Will.
“No, but I am,” said Joe. “His name is Wild Will, who is dumb, stupid, dumb and also stupid rottweiler.”
“I AM GOING TO EAT YOU,” said Wild Will, “you herbivorous, eucalyptus eating little fuckwit, with no balls.”
“Wow that’s much better,” said Melissa.
“Go stuff yourself,” said Joe. “Hey Chris can I borrow your knife?”
“Melissa I am scared. Why is there a talking dog, koala and some giant guy here?” said Chris. “I wasn’t trying to hurt you Melissa. Amy convinced me it was good.”
“What are you babbling on about?” asked Wild Will.
“That’s tops!” said Chris. He gives a thumbs up and makes a distinct facial expression. “P.S. Wild Will.”
“No its not,” said Joe.
“Yes it is,” said Melissa.
“What is it tops, Chris?” said John. “Is it the A.E.S.M, The lemonade, your incredibly sharp knife?’
Everyone looks at John.
“Iucking Fidiot,” said Wild Will. “What exactly is your problem?”
“Chris,” said Melissa.
“What about Chris?” said Joe.
“Chris who,” said John.
“Chris Woo,” said Chris.
John looks at Chris inquisitively. Chris feels slightly awkward.
“Nooninooninooninoo!” said Chris.
“That rhymes,” said John.
“Obviously,” said Joe. “Wild Will, sucks.”
“You’re stupid John,” said Wild Will. “Joe sucks monkey balls.”
The house goes silent. The light flickers. Melissa looks around with fear.
“It’s nothing to worry about, its just the electricity,” said Melissa
“No its not,” said Wild Will. “It’s Appi and Raul announcing their return.”
“Really?” said Melissa. She walks towards the door.
“Mwhahahahahaha,” Wild Will laughs evilly. “Made you look.”
“Wow that was such a good joke, I almost laughed,” said Melissa, “Almost.”
“Are you being sarcastic again,” said Wild Will. “I eat sarcastic people.”
John rolls his eyes. No he doesn’t he a freaking vegetarian.
“Wild Will are you not a vegetable eater?’ said Chris. “I eat celery Wild Will, you convinced me it was good.”
“Yes I do,” said Wild Will. “Melissa is made of vegetables.”
“No I am not,’ said Melissa.
“Yes you are. I shall prove it,” said Wild Will.
“Owe,” said Melissa. “He bit me.”
“Ewww…guck human, ah yuck,” Wild Will spits, “gucky human.”
“OK biting my friend is just not cool,” said Chris. “You’re a sissy vegetarian, loser, who has been neutered.”
“Hahahahaha, sissy vegetarian. I like you mate,” said Joe.
“What? As opposed to chasing your friend around with a knife and poisoning their lemonade?” said Wild Will. “And you dare to call me names. You wankster.”
Wild Will advances towards Chris. “Chris Woo, I am going to eat you,” said Wild Will.
Meanwhile John is attending to Melissa’s wound, in which John notices Antonia silting at the top of the stairs.
“Antonia is that you?” said Melissa.
“Yeeeeeesss,” said Antonia.
“Are you dead?”
“Nooooooo,” she replied.
“Then what are you doing up there?” said Melissa.
“And talking so ghost like,” added John.
“Chris stole my passport,” She replied.
Chris walks robotically towards the stairs.
“Shut up!” he said. “That was Kin wai.”
“I am in need of medical attention and Antonia needs her passport,” said Melissa
“Ah rightio,” said Joe. Not at all paying attention to the situation, but contemplating on stealing the giant wooden spoon, I mean knife in Chris’s hand.
“Right,” said John. “I’ll call the dentist.”
“The dentist?” said Melissa. “I have deep flesh wounds from a dog who potentially has rabies. What is the dentist going to do?”
Antonia shakes her head disapprovingly.
“Sorry I meant doctor,” said John.
“Rabies?” said Wild Will. “I don’t have that. I am just a psycho.”
“No you’re neutered,” said Chris. “Nooninooninooninoo!”
“Ahahahahahahhahahahahahah!” laughed Joe.
“When?” said Wild Will.
“It was the dentist,” said Chris.
Wild Will looks down between his legs. Joe takes a peak as well.
“Oh my I can’t believe I never noticed before,” said Wild Will, “maybe because they are still there, you iucking fidiot.”
“Ah nuts… you destroyed my hopes Chris,” said Joe.
“You perv! Stop looking at my balls,” said Wild Will. “Or I will eat you, you perverted little shit.”
“What are you doing John,” said Wild Will.
“Calling an ambulance,” said John. “P.S. the amazing bum dancing animal patrol.”
“Oh no,” said Joe. “You wanker, why the heck did ya call them for.”
“We’re screwed,” said Wild Will. . “John, you’re lucky I am a vegetarian.”
“The police are sending them not me,” said John.
“I thought you said you called the ambulance?” said Joe.
“Don’t worry Joe, Wild Will, I have a back up plan,” said John.
They stand in silence… Chris stares at them…
“Hi Wild Wild,” said Chris “P.S. Wild Will.”
“P.S. Chris,” said Wild Will. “Wild Will, is watching you.”
“Oh really not if I can help it, ahhahaahahaahahah,” said Chris. He hides behind the couch. John looks on with disbelief. Like the couch is going to stop Wild Will, he thought.
“Quick, quick bring him Coca Cola,” said Antonia, sitting beside Melissa. Its odd to note that she was unaffected by the fact that there was talking animals in the house. All she really wanted was her passport.
“Will this help with his apparent madness?” said John.
“Sure, sure,” she replied.
The ambulance arrives, Wild Will and Joe hide behind the couch with Chris. Sadly Chris doesn’t get his Coca Cola.
“Hello Wild Will,” said Chris.
“Hello Chris,” said Wild Will evilly.
“Ahhh!” said Chris. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
The paramedics storm in. They carry Melissa out on a stretcher. Antonia follows.
“Melissa, where is Amy?
“With Raul,” Melissa replied.
Melissa is carted off to safety.
Moments later the amazing bum dancing animal patrol arrived. The patrol sirens can be heard. “Bom, bom, bom, bom, bubba, bubba, bom, bom, bom, bom, bubba, bubba, bom, bom, bom, bom.”
John stands in the empty house. Two officers appear at the door way. They walk over the trampled door. They start to dance.
“Is there at vicious, evil looking rottweiler around here?” asked one of the officers.
“No,” said John casually. “And he is not vicious or evil, he is just a psycho.”
“You’re darn right,” said Wild Will from behind the couch.
“He’s behind the couch,” said Joe.
“Shut up No Balls!” said Wild Will.
“What was that?” said the officer. “By the way have you seen a koala? His girlfriend Kate is looking for him.”
“Isn’t Kate a kangaroo?” asked John.
“No she’s a wallaby.”
“He’s behind the couch,” said Wild Will.
“Get stuffed,” said Joe.
John stares around inconspicuously. The two officers stand there with their nets and ropes ready.
“That’s at talking couch,” said John. Hoping they will fall for his ploy.
“Really,” said the other officer, “It sounds like the infamous Wild Will and his reluctant side kick Adventure Joe.”
“Umm he goes by Joe now,” said John.
“Really,” said the second officer. “Perhaps you won’t mind if we take a gander behind that couch.”
“You look like Wild Wills left hand, right hand man, John Dunny” said the first officer.
“Actually, it’s just some kid with a knife imitating them,” said John. “And my last name isn’t Dunny, its Wilson.”
“Don’t waste our time,” said the first officer. “We’ve been after this problem maker for months.”
“He’s a problem solver,” said John.
John begins to feel nervous… it appears that Wild Will, will be caught and adventure Joe, sent packing. When all of a sudden, a chainsaw can be heard in the background. It was no other Wild Will’s elusive friend Frostbite the polar bear. He appears at the door holding a chainsaw.
“I’ve come to destroy this Italian, Russian, French House.”
“It’s a Queenslander,” said Joe
“I don’t care,” said Frostbite. “Ahahahahaaha!”
Frostbites real intentions were to distract the amazing bum dancing animal patrol so Wild Will and maybe Joe, mostly Wild Will could escape. And just as Frostbite had hoped the amazing bum dancing animal patrol were on their way after him as he was also on their most wanted list.
After a few moments and it they were certain that it was safe, Joe and Wild Will appears from behind the couch.
“Quick lets get out of here,” said John.
“Good idea,” said Wild Will. “It’s lucky Frostbite showed up.”
“Yes, yes it is,” said Joe.
“How did he know to come?” asked Wild Will.
“I called him,” said John.
“Ah John you are useful after all,” said Wild Will. “Mwhahahahahaha!”
The quarrelsome trio get ready to leave.
“Wild Will, I don’t think we solved Melissa’s problem,” said John.
“Yes we did,” said Wild Will. “She was being hunted by her murderous flatmate so I bit her, that way the paramedics would come.”
“Wouldn’t it have been easier if you just told her to dial 000,” said Joe.
“Shut up Joe” said Wild Will, “you kangaroo loving fiend.”
“Let’s go John,” said Wild Will, “before I eat you.”
John rolls his eyes. He follows Wild Will out the door. Joe scampers behind them. John was happy he made $10 and he was useful, for now aways.
The house grows silent. Chris pops up from behind the couch.
“Ahhhh a flat to myself,” said Chris. “Now I can do whatever I want. Like drink coke and masterbate and walk around naked.”
Chris joy was about to end. A chainsaw can be heard again as well as manically laughing.
“Ahahahahahahaahahah!” It was Frostbite.
Chris gulps. Figures thought Chris. If only learnt how to share, this never would have happened.
Frostbite lumbers in the house, chainsaw in tow.
“I’ve come to destroy your Queenslander house that looks very Italian, Russian and French, maybe even Canadian or Chinese.”
Chris stares at the giant bear.
“You want lemonade?” said Chris, still holding a giant wooden spoon and a knife.
“Nope,” said Frostbite.
He saws down the railing, followed by the stairs.
Chris stands while the house is torn to bits.
Sometime later… Chris’s house was torn and demolished to bits.
Did he too need a problem solver? Was he satisfied that he still had the house to himself, even thought it wasn’t there anymore? Yes he was happy. No he didn’t need a problem solver.
Chris and Frostbite sit on the rubble of what once was the Italian, Russian, French house that was actually a Queenslander. They each have a Coca Cola. Chris’s madness slips away.
“I never knew you were in those commercials,” said Chris.
“Ah yes I was,” said Frostbite. “But, it was those damn Canadians and their seal hunt that ended it.” He shakes his fist in anger.
“Really are you sure you didn’t eat any seals?” said Chris.
“Nooo,” said Frostbite. “It was the Canucks I tell you.”
“What are Canucks?” Chris asked.
“Canadians,” said Frostbite.
Awkward silence…
“Don’t you find the climate in Australia a bit hard to bear?” said Chris. “I mean from what you’re used to?”
“Duh,” said Frostbite. “I am from the Calgary Zoo.”
“You’re from Canada? Alanis Morissette is my idol,” said Chris.
“Meh, she’s alright,” Frostbite. “I’m Barenaked Ladies fan myself.”
“Ever meet Santa Claus?” said Chris, changing the subject.
“No,” said Frostbite. “Have you ever seen the Six White Boomers?”
“You killed Santa didn’t you?” said Chris. It’s apparent he is not really listening to him.
“Nooo!” said Frostbite. “Why would I do that? He gives presents.”
“Wild Will gives presents,” said Chris.”
“Yes but not the same as Santa,” said Frostbite.
“Look, there is one of Wild Will’s presents over there!” said Chris.
“No, that’s me,” said Frostbite.
Awkward silence:
“Want to demolish and destroy houses with me?” asked Frostbite.
“OK sure,” said Chris.
And off they went to destroy homes and bungalows, never to be seen again, only the distance sound of a chainsaw was heard. Wild Wills nemesis has emerged.

© Melissa Canadian 2006 all rights reserved.

This is Wild Will...

© Melissa Canadian 2006

This is Wild Wil I drew him when I was 17. Well I figured since the last few stories have been about Wild Will I should show you what he looks like. Since Being in Australia. I have thought of lots of plots and story lines for him. I think I will post the column I wrote about him. He is my hidden aggression. I also like Rottweilers. If I ever get a dog I am going to get one, but I don't think I will name it Wild Will. That would be weird.

Words are a powerful weapon... an outlet for anger

There is a story about when this was written. This story was written an hour before my old flatmates Justin and Joan started dating. They had gone out for a drive and I knew what was happening. They treated me like I was stupid. It was obvious they liked each other. It pissed me off that they excluded me and treated me like the third wheel, It was like my new Aussie friend was being stolen from me. So I guess I decided to get back at them through writing.

This story is about Joan to an extent. Joan is Jill, Justin is Jack and I am Maria. No I do not like Justin. I kind of did but not in the romantic way. In the friendship kind of way, Amy asked me that once she read the story. Read and enjoy!

Warning its not finished.

If Loves the Problem Press One

Jill was a short blonde girl. The kind that make you jealous, which caused a problem for Maria because she kind of sort of liked this guy and this guy obviously liked Jill. In 2005 one would simply stifle their jealousy, but in New2005 any problem could be solved with a telephone call.

Maria was a tall brunette, kind of frumpy. Jill was loud hyper, lively the parallel opposite of Maria. This made Maria’s fury even worse. She needed a problem solver. A problem solver helped, listened to anything and everything was solved.

It was a late Saturday afternoon. Maria was slumped in the chair by the telephone. Jill lay on the couch beside her. While Jack the guy she kind of sort of liked, attempted to be nice to Maria for the sake of politeness, but his intentions were meant for Jill.
Today was the day that Maria had enough. She picked up the telephone. She dials fast and inconspicuously as to not let Jack and Jill know what she was up too. She dials 1-800-I-NEED-HELP-RIGHT-NOW. The operator comes on.

“Welcome to problem solvers network. How can we help you?”
“If you want to solve a garbage problem press33998723, if you have a miscellaneous problem to press 2798665, if you have a love problem press one , if you have a fat problem press 3000 three times..”
Obviously Maria had a love problem so she pressed 1.
Across town a pink light flashes, “beep, beep, beep”
“Oh no it’s a love problem,” said Carma a chubby girl with brown hair and eyes.
“Grr…,” said Wild Will, a beastly Rottweiler. “I hope I don’t have to eat a blonde again, you know how they upset my stomach.”
“Oh Wild Will, just threaten to eat her. She’ll get the message.
“’Nah I’ll send Ruthless Roy.”
Ruthless Roy was Wild Wills little brother. He was ten times more vicious and when he says he’ll eat you he actually will.
“Beep, beep, beep.”
“Answer the problem already,” said Carma.
“Fine,” said Wild Will. “Don’t order me or I will eat you.”
“Oh Wild Will you’re one of a kind,” said Carma she flashes a smile.
“Put me on unspeaker,” Wild Will commanded.
“Hello,” said a meek voice. “I have a problem.”
“What is it?” said Wild Will.
“I am kind of sort of having problems with my flatmate. She is getting on my nerves.
“Elaborate,” said Wild Will.
“I kind of sort of like this guy and I don’t know how to know if I like him because I am jealous.”
Carma rolls her eyes. Good grief she thought.
“Alright, I am on my way,” said Wild Will. “Page Ruthless Roy, tell him I am waiting for him at the back entrance.”
A few moments passed.
“What is it this time?” Ruthless Roy growled evilly.
“Love problem I think it calls for Lunch disposal.”
“Wonderful,” said Ruthless Roy.
Wild Will and Ruthless Roy strap on their jet packs and blast of the silver platform. The sky zips by them, flying around buildings as they wiz by. The Rottweilers arrive at an ugly bungalow. They knock on the door rudeness was necessary for a love problem.
“How rude,” said a voice.
The reason it was rude to knock on the door because people had to stop what they were doing to answer it.
The door creaks open.
“Hallo you so pretty,” said Wild Will.
“Yes so very pretty,” said Ruthless Roy.
Jill bursts into tears. In the future pretty meant ugly and ugly means pretty.
“May we please come in,” said Wild Will rudely.
“Ugh…Rotty’s are always rude,” said Jill.
“Alright lets get this over with,” said Wild Will. “Maria like Jack, but Jack likes Jill.”
“Jill also gets on Maria’s nerves,” Ruthless Roy.”
“Umm OK,” said Jill.

© Melissa Canadian 2006

The story that no one will understand unless you are Amy or Chris or Me or Wild Will...

In search of a name

(You’re So Amy I bet you Think This Story Is About You!)

Amelia McQuinn, had a problem. She was most loved resident of Rockhampton, Queensland Australia, most people knew she wanted to be a Bollywood star. She was an Australian who was a part time bum dancer and lesbian firefighter, except she wasn’t a lesbian or a bum dancer, but a university student. Actually the problem had nothing to do with career, race or schooling. People often mistook her for being Indian, which she took as a gracious compliment. The real problem was she didn’t have a stage name. She could sing the most beautiful songs. So good in fact babies never cried, glasses never broke, dogs stopped howling and the elderly stopped running in fear. These were many of the compliments and praise she has received, now and in the future.
Just like Maria took down the duo Jack and Jill. Amelia called the problem solvers network. She dials 1-800-I-NEED-HELP-RIGHT-NOW
The operator comes on.
“Welcome to problem solvers network. How can we help you?”
“If you want to solve a garbage problem, for example a missing wheelie bin press3379237923, if you have a miscellaneous problem, such as missing limbs or murderous flatmates press 50093270, if you have a fat problem, for example you become stuck in doorways or are made fun of because of your weight press 5000 nine times, if you have a love problem press one.”
Now obviously Amelia had a miscellaneous problem, but she couldn’t remember the numbers to dial so she pressed one.
Across, the Pacific Ocean all the way to Montreal, a pink light flashes, signifying a love problem or at least that was what it was thought to be.
“Ugh…another freaking love problem, that makes it the 500th this week,” said Carma.
“Shut up you fat lard,” said Wild Will. “Or I will eat you.”
“You better be nice to me or I will call the network and dial 5000 nine times.”
Carma was middle sized weight, and was deep conscious about it. It was only this week it offended her because it was her period. Normally she would be flattered by Wild Wills comment. “I know,” said John. “They should fix the network, so the choices are comprehensible. That way they wouldn’t keep pressing one.”
“Change the menu?” said Wild Will. “Do you know how much that would cost? We’re problems solvers, not problem makers.”
“I see,” said John. “Are you going to answer it?”
“No he isn’t because he is a big stupid, beastly, psycho, rabid, talking, rottweiler,” said Joe.
“Shut up Joe. I am not rabid. I am just a psycho,” said Wild Will. “And you are just a girly koala with no balls.”
Joe stops eating his eucalyptus and looks between his legs.
“What the…” said Joe.
“Hey Joe, is that a pouch?” said Wild Will.
John rolls his eyes…
“Ahh… the evil scientist put me in a shelias body.”
He looks inside his pouch.
“Oh wait its just fanny pack,” said Joe. “And there they are, my twig and berries.”
“Eww!” said Carma. “Umm…. John, Wild Will are you going to answer the problem?”
“Make Red or Joe do it,” said Wild Will, “or I will eat you.”
“Umm… Wild Will Red was eaten by a giraffe yesterday,” said John.
“Oh yeah,” said Wild Will.
Meanwhile, Amelia has been waiting on the phone patiently, considering she has been waiting for 30 minutes or more.
“Wow this is just like calling the government or Australian Idol.”
On the phone: the operator says, “We are busy, hang up now. No seriously hang up, you love sick fiend!”
Ten minutes have passed, John answers the phone, after a lengthy game of Scategories.
“Umm… sorry to keep you waiting,” said John.
“No worries,” said Amelia. “I realize you have many problems to solve.”
“Right,” said John sounding confused. “Well, do you really have a love problem?”
“Well no,” said Amelia.
“Well then, hang up and try again.”
A falsetto male voice comes on, “I’m in love with my can of Coke a Cola does that count?”
“It sounds like a garbage problem,” said Joe. “In fact all problem cases we get are garbage.”
“Ah No Balls, you’ve done it again,” said Wild Will.
“STOP CALLING ME NO BALLS!”
“Look Joe, I think what Wild Will means is you’re a pansy, a girly man. It has nothing to do physically with your testicles,” said John.
“Umm… right,” said Joe.
“Is anyone going to answer her problem?” said Carma.
“What is her problem?” asked Joe.
“You are,” said John.
“What was that?” said Amelia.
“Nothing,” said John. “I guess being in love with a soft drink is a problem so we’ll be right over,” said John.
“Wow, really problem solvers,” said Amelia. “Want me to save some bed sheets for your monkeys?”
“There not our monkeys anymore, they went on strike” said John.
“Oh, said Amelia.
“By the way who are we speaking with?” asked John.
“Amelia McQuinn.”
“Rightio, John and Wild Will, will be on their way. While I sit, sleep and eat,” said Joe. “Good night.”
“What! you will come with us, or I will eat you,” said Wild Will. “Do you think I pay you to do nothing?”
“You might as well,” said Joe.
“John snap up Joe and let’s go,” said Wild Will.
“Ha, Joe and go rhyme,” said Carma.

"Obviously," said John. "Perhaps Wild Will would not of said it if it didn't"

Wild Will looks John. Such a strange bloke he thought, not to mention an iuking fidiot.
“No,” said Joe. “Maybe you should…”
“Shut up,” said Wild Will. “Or …”
“I’ll eat you,” said Joe, finishing Wild Will’s sentence.
“How about you get your own catchphrase?” said Wild Will.
“How about you die,” said Joe.
Wild Will glares at Joe, he is lucky I am a vegetarian.
“Put me down John I am not coming,” said Joe.
“Yes you are,” said John.
“No I’m not. Put me back.”
“No, shut up.”
“Put me back or I’ll bite you.”
“Oh how original. I say I’ll eat you and you change it to I’ll bite you. That’s copyright infringement,” said Wild Will.
“Is not,” said Joe.
“You know you could’ve put us out of our misery if you actually ate him and you weren’t a vegetarian,” said John.
The quarrelsome trio made their way towards the stairs.
“You gave away my secret,” Wild Will’s voice echoes. “Now I will eat you.”
“Oh please,” said John.

A few seconds later...
“Ahhhh, he bit me,” said John.
“Told you I would,” said Joe.
After much unneeded arguing, John, Joe and Wild Will make their way to the silver platform. Wild Will straps on his jet powered pack. While John and Joe each take a jet powered rocket. They zoom through the air, clouds and buildings wiz by.
They arrive at a beautiful Italian, French, Russian house. The initials A.E.S.M were stamped on the large wooden door.
A.E.S.M what does that mean? Thought John.
They knock on the door. Unfortunately, Wild Will is always under the impression that rudeness was necessary for a love problem.
“Oh wow, they came already?” said a serene voice.
Umm… were being rude thought Wild Will. Perhaps she is not busy and is prepared for our visit. It’s about time our solvees did that.
Ahha not everyone is insane, she must be Australian because she took it as politeness thought Joe.
What does the A.E.S.M mean? Thought John.
“G’day,” said Amelia, a green eyed brunette with long wavy hair.
“Hallo you’re so pretty,” said Wild Will, intending to be mean and hurt Amelia’s feelings.
“Oh well thank you. You look quite handsome yourself,” she replied.
“What?” said Wild Will.
“Oh wow, the cola really has affected you,” said Joe.
“Maybe it’s the A.E.S.M.,” said John.
Joe and Wild Will look at John inquisitively.
Iucking Fidiot, thought Wild Will.
“Ah do come in,” said Amelia. “You just came during my daily meeting with my fellow A.E.S.M members.
“Ah excellent,” said Wild Will. “We were being rude after all.”
“Oh no, not at all,” said Amelia.
“Geeze Wild Will you didn’t insult her,” said Joe.
“Shut up Joe or I will eat you,” said Wild Will.
A moment of silence. Amelia smiles. Four pairs of eyes stare at six pairs or eyes. The four pairs being the A.E.S.M members.
John stares blankly. Amelia sings and dances. Joe hums along. Wild Will stares angrily.
“What is the A.E.S.M?” asked John.
“I thought you would never ask,” said Amelia. “It is the Alien Ethnic Society and Melissa.”
“Umm… OK said John.
“Hey who are these morons?” said Wild Will.
The two members of the A.E.S.M., one a cynical Russian Canadian, the other and eccentric Eurasian Australian stare blankly at Wild Will. How odd thought the Russian Canadian girl.
“Oh forgive me for being rude,” said Amelia. “That there is Melissa, we call her Gandhi and that is Chris, we call him Tori Pocoshrew.”
“How’s it going eh?” said Melissa.
“Nooninooninooninoo,” said Chris.
“There is another member, Antonia but she is not here,” said Amelia.
“Oh what, did Wild Will eat her?” said John sarcastically.
“No she is a distance member,” said Melissa.
“Hmm… right,” said John. “So you’re problem is you’re in love with Coke a Cola?”
“No that’s Chris’s problem,” said Melissa.
“That’s tops,” said Chris. He gives a thumbs up and makes a weird facial expression. Melissa attempts to copy him.
“Right, but Amelia called us,” said John. “What’s her problem?”
“Hell if I know,” said Melissa.
“Oh stop wasting our time or I will eat you,” said Wild Will.
“That’s tops,” said Chris.
“It is, is it,” said Joe.
“Yes, yes it is,” said Melissa.
“Shush you guys,” said Amelia. “OK here is the problem. I’m in love with India and I want to be a Bollywood star.”
“I don’t see a problem with that,” said John.
“I do,” said Wild Will. “She wasted our time. I think I will eat her.”
“Actually it is a problem,” said Melissa. “She changed her name from Amy McQuire to Amelia McQuinn, in hopes she would sound Indian, when really she sounds British.”
“Ah a pommy,” said Joe. "That is a problem."
“So, what’s the problem?” said John.
“She needs an Indian name so she can be a Bollywood star,” said Melissa.
“Don’t forget Raul,” said Chris. “Note to Wild Will, nooninooninooninoo. P.S Wild Will nooninooninooninoo!”
“Raul?” said John.
“Her favourite name,” said Melissa.
“Oh, I just love the name Raul,” said Amelia, formerly known as Amy. “If I have kids I will name them all Raul.”
“Well we can all agree that Raul is a very good name,” said John. “There is no problem with that.”
“What is Bollywood?” said Wild Will. “Tell me or I will eat you.”
“Its Indian film, it’s beautiful. They sing at odd moments and have corny dialogue,” said Amelia.
“Amelia, Raul is a terrible name,” said Wild Will. “Mwhahahahahaha!”
“What do you reckon Wild Will can you help Amy… I mean Antonia, no wait Amelia?” said Chris. “You’re my hero Wild Will, you convinced me it was good.”
“What’s good?” said John.
Awkward silence. The six pairs of eyes stare at the other six pairs of eyes, the six pairs being John, Wild Will and Joe.
Joe wispers something into Wild Wills ear. Wild Will laughs appreciatively or perhaps evily. Joe scampers off. “I’ll be right back.”
The door slams behind him. Car tires screech in the background. It is now left to four on six. A few minutes later. Wild Will and John vs. the A.E.S.M.
“I have an Indian name for you,” said Wild Will, after much thought. "John and I came up with it."
“It isAishwarya Patil Padama India, Aishwarya after the famous star, Patil and Padama after Harry Potter characters and India because you love it, which is beautiful,” said John.
“Wow, you’re a genius,” said Amelia… I mean Aishwarya Patil Padama India.
“Yes and for short you can be called Appi because it sounds similar to Amy,” said John.
“Wow, brilliant,” said Appi. “I’ll put in a name change this afternoon.”
The door burst open. Joe scampers in; followed by the most beautiful, gorgeous Indian boy you have ever seen.
“I found Raul,” exclaimed Joe.

"What took you so long, No Balls?" said Wild Will.

Joe starts to look between his legs, when John reminded him of their earlier conversation.
“You found Raul?” said Melissa.
“I am going to eat you Raul,” said Wild Will.
“Noooo,” said Appi. “Don’t eat Raul. I love Raul.”
“That’s not Raul. That’s Yogesh a.k.a. Yogi,” said Melissa.
“Ha ha Amy has a crush on Yogi,” said Chris.
“Appi,” said Melissa. “She changed it again.”
Amy, I mean Appi blushes. “Melissa, you’re not supposed to tell him till ‘the weekend,’” said Appi.
“Oh yes, the weekend,” said Melissa. “Sorry Amy I mean Appi. Can I still call you Amy?”
“Quit changing your name Amy,” said Chris, “or Wild Will will eat you.”
Wild Will furrows his eyebrows. No one can tell me who I can and cannot threaten to eat he thought.
“What was that,” said Wild Will he glares at Chris menacingly. “You stole my famous line, how dare you steal my line. Maybe I’ll eat you”
“Umm…” Chris gulps. “Nooninooninooninoo!”
“Chris doesn’t really look like a vegetable does he?” said John.
It goes silent again. Once again the staring ensues, mostly at John and Chris, mostly John.
“Gosh darn it. If you gave me a second to explain, it’s not Yogi, but merely a clone of him named Raul,” said Joe.
“Ah I see,” said John.

"I told Wild Will my idea. He liked it," said Joe.

"Yeah well, Wild Will like the name I came up with," said John.
“Oh Raul,” said Appi.
“Oh, Aishwarya Patil Padama India,” said Raul.
“Lets get married,” said Appi.
“OK,” said Raul.
They walk off together hand in hand, singing Bollywood tunes happily. The door closes behind them. Alanis Morissette waits out side in the front lawn to marry them.

“Keep him away from grape juice and excessive sunlight,” yelled Joe, “or he’ll melt.”

"What! I thought I was invited to her wedding!" said Melissa.

"Well you're not so there," said Wild Will. "Cry baby! I eat cry babies."

"Yeah, " said John. "Haven't you heard of spur of the moment."

"You know she didn't go on about the name changing business until she drank the lemonade Chris gave her," said Melissa.

"And your point?" said Joe.

Chris looks around inconspicuously He looks at Melissa. "Shut up!"

Awkward silence. Wild Will starts to sniff his butt. Joe sighs, hungry and travel worn. John looks around nervously.

"I think we solved the problem,” said John. “Good work Joe.”
“Good work John,” said Joe. “You no longer need to be distressed we put our problem solving skills to the test, Oh yeah Wild Will you suck.”
“You suck, let’s go,” said Wild Will. “Oh yeah, I left a present for you, Chris and Melissa, a memento for the A.E.S.M. mwhahahahahaha!”
“By present, do you mean dog doo?” said Chris.
“I’ll let you figure that one out on your own,” said Wild Will. “By the way, Joe sucks.”
John sighs. “Let’s just go already.
Melissa looks at them apprehensively, then looks at Chris. Don’t leave me alone with him she thought.
The eccentric trio exit the house, glad to be rid of this troublesome problem. Melissa runs to the door. They blast off the sidewalk with there jet fuelled rockets.
“Wait you didn’t solve Chris’s caffeine addiction or his love for Coke a Cola,” she cries.
She sits back down. Melissa and Chris sit in silence. Two pairs of eyes on two, a ball rolls down the stairs.
“Curse you Chris,” said a voice.
“What the hell was that?” said Melissa. “That sounded an awful lot like Antonia.”
“Who do you think it would be?” said Chris. “Amy convinced me it was good.”
“You killed Antonia?” said Melissa.
“No of course not, I have great love for you, it comes from my appendix” said Chris. He stands up there’s a knife behind his back.
Melissa runs to the phone. This calls for a problem solver.

© Melissa Canadian 2006

Never has the word Banana been used so much...The sequel to Beware of dog

Hello everyone... note to Amy I was not high when I wrote this grr..... Anyways this story was written a month after Beware of Dog. It was meant as a sequel and it isn't very good, in my opinion anyways. I apologize in advance for any errors, particularly the grammar. Oh well read and enjoy! It was inspired by my brother who took it upon himself to pretend his banana was a phone. All my stories have a story behind it. How fascinating…

Bananas Make Good Phones Too!

It was a sunny outside, the sky was blue. Everyone was outside for lunch since it was so nice. I was any normal day so no one would suspect that it would be one of the weirdest days possible.
“Ring, ring, ring,” Danny looks around. “What the, why is my banana ringing?” said Danny.
He puts the Banana to his ear.
“Moppy Topy it is me Fro-Boy,” said a voice.
“You got the wrong banana,” said Danny feeling foolish.
“Who is this?” asked Fro- Boy. “What is your name?”
“Daningonzolas McNamara.”
“What?”
“That is my name.”
“Oh, which banana is this?”
“The one I was going to eat,”
“No what does it look like?”
“Yellow with brown spots,”
“A giraffe?” said Fro- Boy “I called a giraffe?”
“No that what the banana looks like,” said Danny.
“Oh, I got the wrong one then, goodbye.”
“Well that was weird,” said Danny out loud.
“I heard that!” said Fro- Boy, “You hurt my feelings.”
“I am sorry, but” started Danny.
“Sorry does not cut it, when you call someone weird it is just plain hurt full,” said Fro- Boy, “and another thing.”
Danny sees Danah and hands her the banana (Fro-Boy is still talking)
“Oh, I like bananas,” said Danah happily.
“It talks,” said Danny.
“I like talking bananas,” she starts to eat the banana.
“Ah don’t eat the banana yet!” screamed Fro-Boy, “Not like this, Darn that Wild Will, he tricked me!”
“Mmm, that was good,” said Danah.
“Danny, who is Wild Will?” asked Danah
“He is Disco Drivers dog,” said Danny.
“Oh, now I remember, did I eat him?”
“I like dogs and bananas” she said as she walked off in to the school.
That was weird thought Danny as he sat school and finished the rest of his lunch.
A few minutes later, “ring, ring, ring,” Ruby Red saw her banana.
“Well that makes no logical sense,” she picks up the banana and throws it.
The banana hits Anna.
“Ring, ring, ring,” Anna screams “I don’t like bananas the evil banana people are trying to get me!”
Maria picks up the phone.
“Careful,” said Anna cautiously.
“Hello,” said Maria.
“Hi Moppy Topy it is me Fro-Boy, I miss you” said a voice.
“Oh I am sorry you got the wrong banana,” said Maria.
“Again?” asked Fro-Boy.
“Listen Fro-Boy, maybe you should just try another banana,”
“Which Banana is this?” asked Fro-Boy obviously not listening to Maria.
“The one Ruby Red had but threw at my sister when she knew darn well not too because she is afraid of bananas,” said Maria.
“Oh I am sorry to hear that,” said Fro-Boy, “what does it look like?”
“What does what look like?”
“The banana of course,”
“Oh it is yellow, brown, mushy, and bruised because it got thrown,”
Maria hears crying.
“Poor Giraffe,” sobbed Fro-Boy.
“There is no giraffe here,” said Maria.
“Oh, the banana,” said Fro-Boy, “My dad Moppy Topy has a giraffe.”
“Well there is no giraffe here and neither is Moppy Topy,” snapped Maria.
“Well sorry,” Fro-Boy retorted.
Just then Anna knocks the banana out of Maria’s hand. She then stomps on it.
“That should take care of the evil talking banana,” Anna said triumphantly.
“You are cleaning it up,” said Maria.
Ryan walks by and slips on the banana.
Maria asked, “Ryan are you okay?”
“Yeah,” Ryan replied.
“Ryan you have been the victim of slipping on an evil talking banana,” said Anna.
“Really?” questioned Ryan.
“Ring, ring, ring,”
“Ryan your banana,” said Maria.
“Hello?” said Ryan.
“Moppy Topy?” said Fro-Boy, “It is me your son Fro-Boy.”
“No time have to eat,” Ryan replied.
“No, wait,” said Fro-Boy.
But it was too late Ryan was eating the banana, which he thought was quite delicious.
Just then Maria had an epiphany.
“Oh I remember I dreamt that Wild Will gave Fro-Boy a banana to call his father Moppy Topy,” said Maria
“It is a shame you know how many bananas may be around the world,” added Ryan.
“Oh, thanks for reminding me,” said Anna.
“Sorry Anna,” Maria said.
Danny who had finished his lunch walked over to Maria, Anna, and Ryan.
“The weirdest thing happened today, I was about to have a banana for lunch but it rang,” said Danny. “Some cracker jack named Fro-Boy was talking on the banana,”
“Same here said Maria, “Let me guess he was asking for Moppy Topy?”
“Yeah he was,”
“Mine talked but I was so hungry I ate it,” said Ryan.
“I would not know what a banana tasted like, because Anna is afraid of bananas,” said Maria.
“Ha, Anna and banana rhyme,” said Ryan.
“No! I hate how they rhyme!” screamed Anna.
“Anna you want my banana?” asked Danah as she walked over to join her friends.
“No I do not want one1”
“Ring, ring, ring,”
“Oh the banana is ringing,” said Danah.
“You keep it away from me,” said Anna
“Hey this is Fro-Boy,”
“I did not know bananas had names,” said Danah, “Hi talking banana.”
“What? Oh, forget it,” said Fro-Boy, “Who is this?”
“Danah Brown,”
“The wrong banana again?” said Fro-Boy.
Ruby Red walks over to her Danah. Danah is about to eat the banana.
“Drop the banana and walk away,” Ruby Red commanded.
“Can’t I eat it?” asked Danah.
“No, the only thing I can suggest and I am right I always am I,” said Ruby Red “Is the banana is cursed.”
“Ruby Red do not be insane,” said Danny.
“I think there is more to it than that, Ruby Red,” said Anna.
“Maybe it is because Anna is afraid of bananas,” added Maria.
“This is just stupid,” said Danny.
“Bananas are not stupid, they are evil,” said Anna.
“Hey I know lets give that purple and red monkey, he will know what to do,” suggested Maria.
“Excuse me I am girl,” said the Monkey.
“I am very sorry,” said Maria, “I did not mean to insult you.”
“I did not say you insulted me, I just said I was not a boy,” said the monkey.
“Oh well I still am sorry,” said Maria.
“That’s okay Wild Will does that all the time,” said the monkey.
“Monkeys are not purple and red, said Ruby Red, “and they do not talk,”
“Then why is that monkey purple, red and is talking right now?” Danny pointed out.
“Danah do you still have that banana?” asked Ryan.
“Yes I do,” Danah replied.
Ryan grabs the banana and is about to eat it but Maria takes it.
“Hey, I was going to eat that!” whined Ryan.
“Too many bananas give you indigestion,” Maria told Ryan.
Actually bed sheets do the monkey thought.
“Here can you help Fro-Boy so he stops calling everyone?” Maria hands the monkey the banana phone.
“Yes if he is still there,” she replied, “Fro-Boy, you still there?”
“Yes, who is this?” he replied.
“C-Jay,” the monkey answered, “didn’t you follow the instructions Wild Will gave you?”
“No I did not,”
“No wonder Super Joey throws oranges at you!”
“Don’t bring him into this.”
“Hey Maria look there are two more purple and red monkeys,” Danny pointed them out to her. Sure enough there were two monkeys a long skinny one and a plump and short one.
“R-Jay, P-Jay what took you so long?” asked CJ.
“Well we were on our way but we came across Country Linen and Bedding,” said RJ, the tall skinny monkey.
“Yes purple sheets taste the best,” said PJ
They certainly did eat something it looked like they ate something. They looked like they had a feast.
“CJ are you still there?” asked Fro-Boy.
“Yes, hold please,” she replied. “PJ is Wild Will on his way?”
Not again thought Maria thought. Turns our Wild Will was coming back. It was enough cleaning up the present he left me.
“What is the matter Anna?” asked Danny.
“Look,” she said pointing.
There were five giant bananas and a giraffe.
“Anna Banana, Anna Banana,” said one of the big giant bananas.
“Stop it I can not take it anymore!” screamed Anna as she ran away.
“Don’t worry Anna;” called Danny, “Ryan and Danah eat bananas.”
Anna did not listen and kept running away back into the school.
There was a flash of blue light. It was no other than Wild Will and his jet pack.
“Alright lets get this mess cleaned up,” growled Wild Will.
“Here is Fro-Boy Will,” said CJ as she handed him the banana.
“Umm…you are supposed to call me Wild Will,”
“I like that name,” said Danah.
“You can not eat those banana’s,” Wild Will said.
Ryan and Danah were chasing the banana’s
“Those poor banana’s, are scared,” C-Jay said.
“Hey don’t eat those banana’s, they are highly iron efficient satelite banana’s!” Wild Will said, “or else!”
Or I am going to threaten to eat you, but not really eat you because I am a big stupid dog. Maria thought.
“Maria can you talk to them?” C-Jay asked.
“How did you know my name?” Maria asked.
“Wild Will mad, talk to friends before he eats them, P-Jay said, “honestly!”
“Ryan, Danah, come here for a second.” Maria called.
Still not listening.
“I will give you candy!” Maria yelled.
They come running over.
“Very good Maria I would not have thought of that,” C-Jay said.
“Alright hand me the banana before it rots,” said Wild Will, “Fro-Boy, you still there?”
“Moppy Topy is that you?” Fro-Boy asked.
“No sorry it is Santa Clause,” Wild Will answered.
“Oh, really well while I have you on the phone I want….” Fro-Boy started.
“It is me Wild Will, Mr. I wear wigs!”
“Will?”
“I just said it was! By the way it is Wild Will, Did I not tell you to say to the banana who to connect with?”
“I don’t remember.”
“Grr…… okay, first dial 1-800- disco, then dial 2002 yellow bus, floor cleaning supplies, then press 3392, when the say how can we direct your call, you say collect call care of Wild Will to Moppy Topy and his pet giraffe,” Wild Will explained, “Did you write all that down?”
“I was supposed to write it down?”
“Yes, you owe me prime rib wig boy,” Wild Will said sounding annoyed.
“No wonder he can not call the right guy, all those directions.” Danny said, “Even I am confused.”
“What do you think Ryan,” Wild Will asked, “Did I give to many directions?”
“Can’t talk eating,” Ryan said.
“Listen if Fro-Boy calls again just throw your banana at Anna and say Fro-Boy you are an Idiot!”
“How will that work?” Danny asked.
“Anna is scared of banana’s, so she will take them and smash them,” Maria explained.
“Very good,” Wild Will praised, “Just remember to clean up.”
“Thanks Wild Will. I like banana’s!” Danah chimed.
Wild Will looks at Danah. Strange girl he thought.
“Wild Will, I always wanted to ask you this,” Danny asked, “Why are you so wild Will?”
“So he finally gets it,” said Wild Will. “Maria did you like my present?” Wild Will grinned.
“No, not really, it killed the grass,” replied Maria.
“I knew it would,” said Wild Will. “I believe lunch is over, better get going or I will eat you.”“See you later,” said Wild Will. He flies of with his jet pack.
“He did it again. He threatens to eat you, but he flies off,” said Maria.
“For a crazy dog he sure doesn’t know what he is doing,” said Danny.
“Alright, surrender your bed sheets and pillowcases,” said CJ.
“The monkeys are still here?” asked Danah.
"There are no bed sheets or pillowcases at this school try some major retail store,” said Maria.
The monkeys walk off and the five (Sorry Ryan ate one.) giant bananas disappeared.
Things keep getting stranger in Mountain Bleu Ridge, thought Maria.
“All I know is as interesting as it seems bananas are not phones,” said Maria. “Danny, what are we going to do about the giraffe?”
“I don’t know, call Wild Will?” he replied.

(c) Melissa Canadian 2006

Cave Canem (Beware of Dog) - my favourite story ever :)

Nothing is more boring than Monday, especially when you are on your way to school in a broken down yellow school bus. The bus driver takes the cake. She just groves her big red curly hair to the funky disco music, that is why almost everyone who knows her calls he Disco Driver.
Disco Driver has a dog a big scary Rottweiler named Wild Will. He is one mean dog with a Massive inferiority complex. Some kids have said she keeps Wild Will with her because she is afraid of the high school kids. I think she is just plain paranoid.
I was sitting in the front seat. I have too because Wild Will needs to eat my legs off. Disco Driver on the other hand likes to yell insults at me. She says I am terrible. I say she listens to terrible music. I was sitting their minding my own business, when I looked to see Wild Will driving. I knew he went to I am Going to Eat You University, But I did not know he was a bus driver too.
He turns his head to me and said “I am Gonna to Eat Ya, Maria!”
“I would like to see you try,” I replied.
I turned around to see the other students looking scared, After all it is a Psycho, Talking, and Demented talking dog. Now Danny was a different story, he looked like he could not care less. Probably because he did not notice Wild Will.
Wild Will is not a good driver, He keeps hitting road signs and he just hit a bus stop. The bus finally stops and Disco Driver walks on the bus.
“It’s so big!” said Danah.
It was the hair not anything else. Wild Will puts the gear in shift and starts to drive the bus again. Disco Driver starts to dance to dance around the bus.
“Cool hair!” exclaimed Danny while giving her a thumb’s up.
Danny starts to dance still ignoring Wild Will.
“Danny!” I shouted, “Talking, psycho rabid dog.”
“Hey I am not rabid,” said Wild Will, “I am just a psycho.
”This had to be getting weirder and weirder.
“Oh, no!” yelled Wild Will, “The bus is running out of gas.”
Ah huh I thought this will stop this madness, Of course I thought wrong.
“Don’t you worry Wild Will, I brought a portable gas pump,” said Disco Driver.
“Yay Disco Driver!” said Danah.
Wild Will stops and the Disco Driver dances her way down the stairs. A diesel gas pump appears out of now where. She starts to fill the bus up.
“Quick, Maria now is our time to escape,” whispered Ruby Red sitting from the seat across from me.
“Not so fast,” growled Wild Will.
“Wow that was brilliant,” I said.
Wild Will walks over to Ruby Red picks her
“I am sorry I did not think of anything better,” said Ruby Red as she was thrown out the door.
Disco Driver slowly dances back on the bus.
The bus starts again.
“Yay, Wild Will left Ruby Red behind,” said Danah sounding happy.
“STOP WILD WILL STOP!” shouted Ruby Red.
“Ruby Red is a fast runner,” Danny pointed out.
I saw Ruby Red running behind the bus. Wow, she really is a fast runner. Ruby Red was now getting red in the face.
“Run Ruby Run!” Wild Will laughed evilly
I think Ruby Red run out of steam considering she collapsed, her face was beat red.
All of a sudden Wild Will hits a tree than another stop sign.
“Tree killer,” shouted Nelda in from the back.
“I never killed a tree,” said Wild Will, defensively, “I was just moving it out of the way.”
“But animals live in trees,” said Nelda.
“I don’t see you living in a tree,” he replied.
Now if you thought things could not get any weirder, you are in for a surprise. A few minutes latter Ruby Red was on the bus again because she was rescued by Super Joey and Fro-Boy.
“Thank you Super Joey,” said Ruby Red.
“Have no fear Super Joey is here!” exclaimed Super Joey.
“Don’t forget about me!” whined Fro-boy, “I saved you!”
“Hey Fro-boy where is your fro?” asked Danah.
“Oh, just a minute,” he replied. He pulls out a curly wig and puts it on his head.
“There is that better?” he asked.
“You poser!” said Danny (finally paying attention to the current situation.) He throws and Orange at him.
“Ouch!”
“Everyone on the bus starts to though Oranges at Fro-boy.
“Hey, Stop that! I am allergic to oranges,” he cried.
His wig falls off. Then he puts it back on again.
Super Joey laughs “Fro-boy how about some orange juice.”
He mocked the young super hero.
Wild Will oddly enough stops at the school.
“Fro-boy it look to me like you are under appreciated,” said Wild Will,
How about joining me?”
“Alright then,” Fro-boy accepted, “but no oranges, deal,”
“Deal,” said Wild Will.
“Disco Driver I say Super Joey gets dished and dismissed,” said Wild Will.
Disco Driver picks up Super Joey and throws him off the bus.
“Yay Disco Driver!” exclaimed Danah.
“Super Hero thrower,” shouted Nelda.
“Well are you kids not going to school?” asked Disco Driver.
Everyone rushes off the bus as if it were haunted or worse. I would too. There is a Psycho talking dog, a crazy big haired bus driver and two weird Super Heroes.
“I am sure glad to get off the bus,” I said.
“I like the bus driver,” said Danah.
“Dogs don’t talk, you are all hallucinating,” said Ruby Red.
“Have a good day Maria,” said Wild Will.
“I will,” I said.
“No, I left you a present on your lawn,” he said with a crazy look in his eyes.
“Oh, darn I guess I will have to clean it up,” I replied.
“Wild Will, leaves presents?” said Danah, “I want one,”
“Not my presents,” he said.
“Hey, Wild Will, should we get going?” asked Fro- boy.
What he is still here I thought.
“Yes we should,” said Disco Driver. “Come on Fro- boy lets go.”
“Hey wait a minute,” said Wild Will. I saw him hand Fro-boy a banana and an apple.
“What are these for?” asked Fro-boy.
“The Apple is to throw at Super Joey and the Banana is a phone,” explained Wild Will.
“Oh, okay he chucks the apple at Super Joey.
“Ouch!” shrieked Super Joey. “That’s a hard apple.”
“That is not smart throwing fruit at people,” said Ruby Red.
“People who are starving could have eaten that,” said Nelda “Fruit thrower!”
“There is nothing to see here, all of you of to class now!” said Disco Driver.
Fro-boy and Disco Driver held hands and rose in the air
“Disco Hair Heroes a way,” they both said.
Fro-boy dropped his wig as he rose in the air. Super Joey picks up the wig.
“Why?” he cried, “Why?” He kept hugging Fro-boys wig.
“Hey get lost Super Joey!” said Wild Will.
“Oh, okay then,” he said as he walked off sadly, “you know what at least my hair is real.”
Half of the students had run from the bus by now. So I walked to the school alone tying to comprehend what had just happened. I just stood there if dogs really do drive buses and if I have to clean Wild Will’s present when I get home. No I thought he left it he should clean it up.
“The rest of you get to class or I will eat you,” said Wild Will.
“Oh great now he is a bus driver and a Cannibal,” said Danny.
“No, I am a Dogaball, “said Wild Will. “I went to school and learned dogablism, people relations, super hero psychiatry, and how to drive a bus.”
“Wow!” I said, “That is impressive.”
“You are darn right,” he replied. “Oh, before I go...”
Wild Will grabs my binder and eats my home work, so much for that excuse.
“I will be back,” said Wild Will, “with purple and red monkeys who eat bed sheets.”
“I like monkeys!” said Danah.
Wild Will flies off with his jet pack, so much for his warning about eating us.
“Maria, do you think Monkeys who eat bed sheets get indigestion?” Danny asked as we started to walk back to the school.
“I don’t know,” I replied, “I guess I will bring antacid just in case,”
“Maria! Wake up,” said Danny.
Wild Will was sitting in his usual spot ready to eat, at least he was not talking or driving the school bus, but there where purple and red monkeys.

(c) melisssa canadian 2006

Welcome - "A writer writes, always"

This blog is a collection of stories and essays I have written though out the years. My favourite quote is from the movie. Throw Mama Off The Train. "A writer Writes always" I wrote my first story when I was nine, but it was when I was 17 that started writing. Its how I define myself. If I had to pick one word to describe myself I would say Writer. Its weird because I remember before that I wanted to be an Astronomer. Blame that one on my mom because she watched Star Wars too much. Ha ha just kidding mom.